Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr.Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.Jones do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The Old Farmer

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

The Wal-mart Refund

A lady goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?"

She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

Hi EveryOne, The Newborn has arrived at 5:20 pm IST (Indian Standard Time) today the 25th October2004. I am a Father now. Its a BABYBOY. Thank U all For the Blessings n Prayers.

Suzie, it takes a very special person to be a teacher of autistic children. Lots of patience, love, and understanding. Hats off to you!

Cheese 101, it's fantastic that your son has found the guitar to be a part of his life. Music is the best medicine for everyone. I have a friend who's son is still being diagnosed. One dr say this, another says that. They have him on Aderall I think? She's a single parent, and also has a younger daughter who isn't affected by autism or aspergers. I always give her mad props for having to deal with it without a partner. She lives at home with her mom, but can't always count on the support she needs. I'm going to ask her if she's read the books you and Suzie mentioned here. Thanks for sharing your story.

Jazzy, what has made this the best weekend ever? Send me a picture of you and Joe! lol! Funny, a few years ago when I watched WWE (WWF), my fav guy was...KANE! lol! I think it was the outfit. LOL!

Steven, "But I feel I theres just so much to know and do" That's the glory of music! The learning is infinite and there always something new right around the corner. Just keep climbing the ladder bro!

Eva, did the "dream spiders" visit you in your sleep? My encounters have lessened over the past few weeks. Hopefully it will stay that way till next summer! lol! bleh!!

Austin, what exactly was that "dance" Ashley Simpson did after they played the wrong song? LMAO!! Now if only people like Madonna could get caught during a concert. IMO, if you're going to sing, then friggin sing!

climber, it is horrible news. I can't imagine something like that happening. John Hendrick's wife lost her husband and twin daughters. My heart goes out to the famililies. Such a sad thing.

Clarky, oh, it's funny alright! lmao!!!

Zinc, a Joe show for your birthday! Lucky you!! Hope you had a fantastic time! We heard about the "Missing plane" towards the end of the race on T.V. We were also switching back and forth watching the Eagles trying to squeek one out. lol!

Bahduh, CONGRATULATIONS!!! Best wishes to your wife and son!

michelle

Seeing Joe Thursday and Saturday night was absolutely great !!

Two AWESOME shows.

He was great at Musiclab and at the meet and great after the show.

Will absolutely do this again next time he comes around.

Did the Eagles win?

962

DamnIMissNamm, I didn't see the fucking newspaper. Jesus, you really cluth at straws when somebody says something you disagree with don't you. I wouldn't be overly suprised if you turned out to be racist too, and homophobic.

Wow.... I don't know what cluth means but I will assume it means clutch from the context clues. 962, FACTS are FACTS and you should have at least some of them before you run off with diarrhea of the fingers. As far as the rest of your insult, once again you know nothing about my views on minorities or homosexuals, you have no FACTS to support that statement and personally I would just like to say YOU ARE WRONG. Doesn’t it mean anything to you to damage someone’s character? Why can't you disagree with someone and still show them a little respect?

To reach your level bro... Fornicate off and decease.

Clarky

cuthert - I've been thinking about the 'freedom' and 'war' question in general.. prompts me to ask a question.. could it be considered that freedom and long term prosperity of you nation are intertwined??? even loosely..??

I think your on to something here, look at the China compared to Hong Kong. I would say freedom and long term prosperity are directly proportional just as current and voltage...( I=E/R)Thank you Mr. Ohms. Where as Opression and LONG TERM prosperity are inversly proportional just look at the old USSR and Cuba.

Michelle- thanks! It's nice of you to say that, it isn't the kind of job where you expect or get much thanks- way too hectic, and really I'm just doing a job.

I read about that Ashley Simpson incident- what exactly happened? Did she just bugger up her miming?

Bahduh- many congratulations!! :-)

OpticalStudio- no problem! When I get paid on Thursday I'm ordering a copy - have spent too much cash this week!! I will look forward to listening to it though. I would appreciate info on that competition as well though, sounds interesting! T-shirts too- I really admire anyone who is out there playing music / recording etc!

Thank God, My tickets just showed up with the UPS man :)

guitarded boy

glad you got your tickets - it is a worry until they are in your hands

Zinc: I tried looking for you and Achoo, but by the time I gathered up the motivation, Joe came on. Also, I didnt want to drag my date around cause I was expecting some action and didnt want to piss off the bitch in her ;) She ended up happy that night and shared it :)

Michelle: The weekend....was perfect! I was happy my bro was not going with me because he 1) once called Joe a pansy guitarist (which made me want to kick his ass) 2) He's older and bossy and would keep me sober so that I should drive his ass around and 3) His girlfriend is an annoying cunt. I got to see Joe 3 times! That was a treat in itself! I got a date whom I had a crush on for around a year (she's a ditz but thats ok. I am not asking for her intelligence.) I had some nice chilled beers (something I had stayed away from for a couple of months), got done with the hardest part of my current research and was with a real fine woman who had no brains whatsover but is a demon in bed (for christ's sake her favorite song is a Mandy Moore one!). So there you have it! The best part was of course Joe! Wouldnt have traded those nights for the world!

Hi: We just enjoyed the wonderful show at the Michigan theatre in Ann Arbor. My first Satch experience was a year ago at the G3 (Palace). I just wanted to say that I also enjoyed the Platinum experience... well worth the money and more than I expected. John made us feel special! First question: are you human?? I wanted to ask you this as you signed my 10 year old's guitar... you are just amazing and very special to us guitar lovers. Keep up your visits, and I will look forward to another show! Second question: I was planning to buy a JS1000, and I friend of mine has the 2000... I played both and didn't feel much of a difference... should I wait and buy the 2000... is there that much of a difference?

DammMissNamm: I can see where 962 is coming from. It may be raw, but its real emotion. You see, America has not had the greatest history in the world. We have had several racial conflicts. When America goes to war, you think the poeple only look at our nationality? They look at race and wealth. Even though Bush may be saying that he is there for freedom, those people interpret it as for racial and economical reasons. And they have the full right to. The common stereotype of Republicans are Redneck, racist, homophobic, ignorant and blindly patriotic (the flag waving type). And if you look at it closely, there is a lot of truth to it. We can have another session of to prove all this. So when people fit the stereotype to a certain extent, you have some name calling. I am not saying you are all of those, but you have come off to me as extremely patriotic, war crazed and someone who fails to look into the negativity of the government they are rallying for. You also told people from other countries to not have a say in American politics. Naturally by this time Simon (962) has made assumptions about your character. Its just natural. You may not be all that he thinks you are but I am sure you get my point. I dont think you are a bad guy, I just dont agree with your politics.

Even Democrats have their stereotypes. Hippie bitches buying shitty long skirts from street vendors, excessive pot smoking, not shaving the southern hemisphere, being excessively PC, playing hacky sack, bad mouthing us metalheads and saying stuff like "how can you even understand that, its all noise!," dreads (eew), getting wasted and talking human rights and peace (f'in hate that when its party time) and the part that pisses me off the most...not practicing anything they preach. One of my friends, who is super anti corporate America, has no problem in buying beers made by Busch and Cheese produced by Kraft. So even liberals/Democrats have their flaws but Republicanism is a more serious one.

Zinc, the Eagles won in overtime 34-31 - squeek!

Suzie, Austin put up a link over the weekend that shows the whole performance...or lack of. Maybe you can search for it, or AUSTIN can post it again. They're showing it on all the morning programs here. I feel bad for her. She really looked silly, ree-hee-healy silly dancing around before she left the stage. At the end of the show when the whole SNL crew and guests are on stage, she looked so embarrassed and blamed the mistake on her band. Her band played on like champs the whole time, but she got flustered and walked off stage. How can she blame the band when she was the one lip-syncing? They were actually playing their instruments...err, at least it looked that way. lol! Anyways, no loss there *waving good-bye to her "career"*

guitarded boy, dude, I was even getting worried! So glad UPS showed up! lol!

Jazzy, I have 3 older sisters. I feel your pain. lol! Glad you had a great weekend. Joe was incredible, wasn't he!

Michelle: I think its the younger MN population! These are just stereotypes that people have come up over the years (there is truth to it in some respects). I know you wouldnt play hacky sack with a hemp bag out in the sun! lmao!

Even though Kerry is amazing, I cannot stand Queen Ketchup.

Bahduh: Congratulations on the "babyboy!" I hope you were not born as a full grown adult! Congrats again! Whats the baby's name?

What the fuck is hacky sack?

Yoda: Hacky Sack is a sport where you kick each other affectionately in the groin area. You hack the "sack."

jazzzzzzzy

jazzzzzzzy

I can see where 962 is coming from. It may be raw, but its real emotion.

I am not saying you are all of those, but you have come off to me as extremely patriotic, war crazed and someone who fails to look into the negativity of the government they are rallying for. You also told people from other countries to not have a say in American politics.

This is as baseless as your response to the bullshit 962 posted about Crawford Texas backing Kerry. It simply is shallow and reactionary (see a stereotype there?) Crawford Texas is a town of 700 people. In 1999 Laura and George bought a ranch 9 miles out of town and put Crawford on the map. In 2000 a liberal propaganda newspaper started in Crawford. (See any hidden agenda there?) I said people have a right to their opinion where ever they live. They have no right to affect the outcome of American politics.

Thinking is like playing the guitar; the more you do it the better you get at it.

Practice... Practice... Practice.

By the way, I still voted for Gore and also expressed that while I served under Regan I didn't agree with everything he did. I have stated this but you refuse to see past your own narrow stereotypes. That’s the beauty of youth, you can be so misinformed yet people have a tendency to forgive you.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

Remember, there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your drivers license.

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

An Actual Psycho Test

Read this question, come up with an answer, and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right -including me.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and she fell in love with him right there but did not ask for his number and no matter how hard she tried she could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

Give this some real thought before you answer.

(Scroll Down)

(Scroll Down)

Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly good for you.

Zinc Master

Guilty