A policeman stopped a guy for driving erratically. He peered intently into the driver's eyes and said, "Your eyes look bloodshot, have your been drinking?"

An elderly man was driving his Buick down the freeway when his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

Three Professors from Our Fair City go down to Mexico one night, get arrested, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Harvard School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go, too.

A group of naked men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.

"Hi honey, are you at the club?"

"Yes, dear."

"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovanni's and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."

"How much is it, dear?"

"They're giving it away. Only $5,000. Can you believe it?"

"But you already have fur coats?"

"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"

"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"

"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, but I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think?"

"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"

"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"

"How much is it?"

"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!"

"Okay, okay, go ahead and purchase it!"

"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"

"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"

"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and it would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"

"How much is it listed at?"

"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"

"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."

"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"

"See you tonight dear."

A panda walks into a restaurant. He sits down and orders some food. The waiter brings the panda his meal. After he eats, when the waiter brings him the check, the panda takes out a gun and shoots him.

As the panda is leaving, the owner of the restaurant asks him, "Why did you shoot my waiter?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out.

A couple of Tennessee hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

Wow.... Just getting back to reality. I needed to distance myself from the election and john q six pack's (who may have lived in multiple countries but hasn’t been off the 'tit' for two decades) looser remarks.

The AMERICAN public voted, Bush won. Get on with it.

Oh by the way, (are you listening 962) it really didn’t pay to "give a shit" about what the world sentiment was for the election BECAUSE IT HAD NO EFFECT. Is this not what I said before the election? After dropping out of site and following Joe from Nashville to New Orleans, I wanted to just lurk through this forum for a while and see the responses. I ran out of beer and afghani 1 rolled neatly in zig zags. But I can get more....

Life is great, let's have FOUR MORE YEARS OF IT!

Living large and LOVING life.

^^^^^ fuckin embarrased to be an american.

DamlMissNamm- it really didn't pay to give a shit?

Despite your arrogant attitude that no one outside America is allowed to have an opinion on it, we DO have an opinion. This is because what Bush decides (with his puppet Blair) regarding his foreign policy DOES affect people in Britain. I for one am not pleased he got back in - not for anything to do with America, don't worry, - but for Britain. I think you'll find this is a fairly common view over here- and also with 49?% of America too?

DammMissNamm
Wow.... Just getting back to reality. I needed to distance myself from the election and john q six pack's (who may have lived in multiple countries but hasn’t been off the 'tit' for two decades) looser remarks.

You sure have been to several countries...to guide your missiles into civilian houses. You were probably waving the confederate flag and singing songs in praise of Hitler while you were launching missiles.

The AMERICAN public voted, Bush won. Get on with it.

Sure, Americans voted. But I will not get on with it. Only idiots like you do not realise Bush is the reason America is earning a bad name. Leaving Tenessee is not going to a foreign country.

Oh by the way, (are you listening 962) it really didn’t pay to "give a shit" about what the world sentiment was for the election BECAUSE IT HAD NO EFFECT. Is this not what I said before the election? After dropping out of site and following Joe from Nashville to New Orleans, I wanted to just lurk through this forum for a while and see the responses. I ran out of beer and afghani 1 rolled neatly in zig zags. But I can get more....  

Life is great, let's have FOUR MORE YEARS OF IT!

I lived in different countries. You killed in different countries. I am sure you must be singing "the roof is fire" while launching missiles.

HEY!!! FOUR MORE WARS! WOOHOO!

DammMissNamm: You have all my ill wishes and curses.

Suzie: DammMissNamm is the posterboy of American ignorance and naivity.

Hey friends :-)) !!! Nice to see you all !!! I`m ill yet, cold weather right now and i`m very sensitive :-/. Damn!!! But soon i`m ok :-)) !!!

In first place i would like to send my Congratulations to all American People. We saw a very Democratic Elections!!! It`s time now to give the hands and fight for a better future for humankind, I BELIEVE!!! Go for it people. Our childs deserve a better future. The world is very complicated but with respect and attitude we can do better :-) !!! I BELIEVE !!!

DCK - Brother Mark, Happy birthday to you my friend :-) !!! Have a good day friend, how old are you now ?

MICHELLE - Hadji is sending licks for all of you. Hope you are feeling better baby :-) !!! I`m ill yet :-( !!! Take care baby and regards for all family :-) include the cats lol ;-) !!!!

PHRYDOM - Have agood time bro :-) !!! Good luck!!!

MATT KING - NIce tune friend as always :-)) !!!! How are you ?

MOWLIE 2000 - Nice cover, very well :-)) !!!

BAHDUH - How are you Indian friend :-) ? And your child?

JAZZZY - Sorry about your prefered candidate. I think that Mr. Bush will change is mind, he did lots of mistakes in the past but he can do better now, it`s time for redeem :-) !!! I wish you a great day and weekend :-) !!!

MICK87 - i wish you a good recovering ;-) !!! Nice to see my wonderful friend !!!!

ADRIANORB - Hola amigo, como estás? Hope very well :-)) !!! No problem about Portugal, we are waiting for in the future, no matter how long lol :-)) !!! Good weekend and say hello to all family :-)) !!!!

OVATION1 - Hello bro :-)) !!! How is the weather now in Japan? I saw there`s lots of earthquakes. Take care bro!!! Warm regards !!!

DO THE STU - Check out the site www.koalasurfboards.com ;-)) !!! How are you friend?

Sorry if i miss something important, my apologies!!!

See you later friends and take care :-)) !!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDAN RUDESS AND DCK :-))

Jazzzzzzy- read your post just before you must have edited it...? Did you mean to post ot someone else then as you changed it?

Suzie2000

You and jazzy just don't get it. I think you have the right to an opinion, IT STILL HAS NO EFFECT ON THE OUTCOME OF OUR ELECTION! This is the point that I have made.

Let me put it in very basic terms.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.

The courage to change the things I can.

And the WISDOM to know the difference.

Jazzy

While you were playing five nuckle chuckle to your favorite porn mag and developing your obviously poor view of women, I was protecting you and your liberal schoolmates.

Once again, no thanks necessary.

If you would be humble enough to be objective, you could get past your'e warped youth and develop a equal respect for strength and honor.

DCK: Happy birthday! I didn't know Death Cubes have birthdays haah!

Alexandre: Nice to see some people around here have resonable views of things

THIS FORUM IS GETTING REALLY UGLY!! I ALREADY THREW IN MY 2 CENTS BECAUSE I COULDN'T HOLD MY TONGUE, SO I WON'T SAY ANY MORE. COULD WE ALL PLEASE KNOCK IT OFF?

DamlMissNamm- please don't patronise. I do "get it," - you don't need to quote overused cliched phrases at me in an attempt to be smug. Why do you get so much satisfaction in rubbing your "success" in people's faces when you KNOW they don't agree with you?

Moonlighter365

I agree the New Orleans show rocked. I was right in front of Joe, and unfortunately the asshole that screamed I NEED A PICK MO FO, was standing right behind me. His name was tj and he has some serious issues. I caught a pick too, but I gave it to this really cool doctor standing next to me. I felt really fortunate going back stage two nights and getting all kinds of cool stuff, so I thought I would pass some good karma around. He was a really interesting guy. Joe was incredibly nice. He signed everything not nailed down. He even waited for a girl to go home four blocks and get her guitar to sign. I also think the change from Moroccan sunset to bamboo was the highlight of the show. I really like his new tune "If I Could Fly" and the improve was astonishing. I think he really likes to play that one. I am glad to hear you returned safe to Alabama and Rock ON!

Suzie2000

I was not patronizing you. I was responding to your remarks to me. You have and continue to just not get my comment. Have on opinion, try to respect someone else’s, but learn the lesson in futility, if you must, that your opinion has no effect on the outcome of the election. This has been and continues to be my position.

Don't hate the player hate the game.....

DamlMissNamm- can't you see that saying "Let me put it in very basic terms" is in itself patronising? Surely the only thing you can mean by this comment, is that I am not capable of understanding big words?