Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.?????

A. A cherry float.

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A. Beat it - we're closed.

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?

A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?

A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

The Starter Pistol

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?".

Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Sunday Class

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

A Lease On Love

A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

it had never been occupied; that there was plenty of heat that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

Jazzzzzzzy :-)

Steven- so far so good with the computer!...

Zinc master...nice-v.entertaining....But here's something i found out recently, an you can all make ure own inferences from this...

...did you know that it takes 6 months in Texas to get a divorce, but only 15 days to get a gun....

take care people!!

Tahir

Stevee, thanks. The tattoo is an angel.

Lucy, thanks.

Joke Master, you'll be at 2000 in no time. lol!

Delfino, It's at 7-14-01 in the road section. It was one of the best nights ever :)

Steven, hello friend :)

I just saw a new video game that's coming out. It's a game where you can re-enact the shooting of JFK (swear to God). The player has a scope with crosshairs that you can aim at the cars as they go by in the parade. The player is up high shooting from a window. If you shoot Jackie, you lose points. Who makes this shit up, and even worse, who buys this shit?

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings.

Benign......................What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.

Colic.......................A sheep dog.

Coma........................A punctuation mark.

D&C.........................Where Washington is.

Dilate......................To live long.

Enema.......................Not a friend.

Fester......................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula......................A small lie.

Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.

G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.

Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.

Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.

Node........................I knew it.

Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative..............A letter carrier.

Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.

Rectum......................Darn near killed him.

Secretion...................Hiding something

Seizure.....................Roman emperor.

Tablet......................A small table.

Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor.......................More than one.

Urine.......................Opposite of you're out

michelle

Just spreading the fun around the world of T2J.

Numbers only count.

If we lived on Pluto, we would all be a lot younger, age wise.

If I remember correctly, and I may not, it takes Pluto 7 earth years to go around the sun. So, if you are 49 in earth years, you would only be 7 on Pluto.

ummm, Michelle....I pre-ordered that Video game.

haha! just kidding. Hey, its much better than buy a real gun. If living your fantasies out in a video game works, heh, why not?

Happy 2000 by the way. I am still stuck in the 1200th year BC....

Damn, Roman poked me again. I need to go and cook bread for Pope.

Redneck First-Aid

Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Specialty Burger too fast.

The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we otta hep?"

"Yep," said the second.

The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew speak?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.

Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer:

The monitor is up on blocks

Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them

The six front keys have rotted out

The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them

The numeric keypad only goes up to six

The password is BUBBA

There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU

There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive

The keyboard is camouflaged

And, the best way to tell if a REDNECK has been working on a computer is......

Delfino, there's another picture on 11-05-03. Forgot about that one. I also have one from this tour, but I didn't send it in to Jon.

Jazzy, "....I pre-ordered that Video game. " You didn't, but you will now! lol!

Zinc, since you reached pretty far for that number fact, I'm 280 in dog years. lol!

michelle

I do not understand this dog years thing. Do you multiply their human age by a number? If so, what number?

Zinc Master...LMAO after reading the Raggedy Ann & Pinnocchio joke !!! For as many jokes as you post, I can't believe I caught that one ! Thanks..

SupaaDave

glad you enjoyed that one.

A man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.

The man rolls over and answered...

"Hello?"

"What?"

"How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."

He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?"