The Top 20 Homeland Security Measures Adopted for the Holiday Season
20> Anti-reindeer missiles sit poised and ready on the White House lawn.
19> In honor of our Saviour, all Middle-Eastern looking guys with beards are detained indefinitely.
18> Macaulay Culkin is put in charge of the Department of Homeland Security -- at least until his parents come home.
17> "Racial Profiling for Dummies" hits bookstores in time for
Christmas.
16> Mandatory cavity search upon arrival at or departure from every household in North America means Santa can't sit down for a week.
15> New DoD memo states: "Muslims held in Guantanamo will be allowed to fast for Ramadan. This is completely different from the regular starvation diet they are accustomed to, so be sure to point out the difference to any troublemakers."
14> Fruitcake is officially declared a WMD.
13> The day after Thanksgiving, the phrase "Freeze, turkey!"
is heard more frequently at airports than in kitchens.
12> White House fireplaces kept burning to prevent chimney
invasions by religious fanatics. (Religious fanatics with
campaign contributions still welcome.)
11> Tim Allen is sent to Abu Ghraib, lest he start work on yet
another Christmas movie.
10> Making its first appearance at Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is the Osama bin Laden float. He is sporting a giant "Have you seen this man?" sign and seems to be giving America the finger.
9> Continental U.S. is declared a no-fly zone on Christmas Eve, except for the bin Laden family.
8> Rather than issuing the traditional pardon, President Bush
designates his Thanksgiving turkey an enemy combatant and orders it held without trial.
7> Standard-issue Abu Ghraib anal probes now decorated as festive candy canes.
6> A certain bearded foreigner is caught flying through
restricted airspace on Christmas Eve and sent to Guantanamo without a trial. Meanwhile, Halliburton gets the no-bid gift-delivery contract.
5> All strip searches at airports will now be conducted under the mistletoe!
4> When Dick Cheney is standing before the nation warning of impending doom, unrelenting violence and the imminent death of millions of innocent Americans based on info that may or may not be true, this time he'll be wearing a Santa hat
and elf shoe
3> Newly added threat-level alert colors: gold, myrrh, eggnog
and nutmeg.
2> Every child frisked and strip-searched by the FBI before being allowed to sit on Santa's lap. Volunteer agents Jeffrey Jones and Michael Jackson are on the case!
and the Number 1 Homeland Security Measure Adopted for the Holiday Season...
1> Outright ban on any nativity scene with 72 Virgin Mary
statuettes.
