What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

One day Little Johnny got curious and asked his mother, "Where do white babies come from?"

His mother answered "The stork."

Little Johnny then asked, "Where do black babies come from?

"His mother replied, "Ravens."

Then Little Johnny asked, "Where do no babies come from?"

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,one by one "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room," she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

I posted this before - but it is a classic . . . Part One

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. <All guys are pretty good at this - DD>

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It isu uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. <I really wish everyone would do this!!!! - DD>

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. <When I worked for Lawyers, they all carried books to the bathroom - DD>

PROUD FARTERS: These are people that will fart anywhere - anytime. If sitting they will lean to one side or the other so they can squeeze the fart out. Stay away from these people many times they will blame you for the farts. Many times the people are proud of the loud noise, see Noisy Farters.

I posted this before - but it is a classic . . . Part Two

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

NOISY FARTERS: These are people that are proud of the noise a fart makes. They attempted to make as much noise as possible by squeezing or grunting.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. <Sounds like something Women would do.... - DD>

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear and Astaire,leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. <I used to work for this guy. OK Dwayne wasn't that bad... - DD>

This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

1.) Go to www.google.com

2.) Type in "failure"

3.) Press the I'm feeling lucky button (instead of the google search one)

4.) Laugh

What's brown and sticky?

MikeSB

Civgeek, hang in man just remember the first rule of Thermo & Entropy and Enthalpy.....

" Whenever u pass wind, the universe is changed forever"

Keeping thermo in that concept helps LMBFAO...

Cuth I just knew you'd enjoy that one... (Google)

mikesb

I didn't clock that you are from Canada when i suggested Sean from corrie. The Brits will know who i mean.

Sean is more faggy than the faggiest fag from the faggy fag factory.

No insult intended to any of our testosteronally challenged friends.

mikesb:

"1.) Go to www.google.com  

5.) Forward to others before the Google folks fix this!"

LMAO!!!

Noppa Bwahahahah

Is that your best side??? LMAO

Good Morning Satchland....... What a Beautiful Day It Is.

Today is our 26th wedding anniversary. Man I still can't belief it's been 26 years. I will tell you this. It's been a great run and I wouldn't change a thing. Looking forward to another 26 years.

OCT 14th......That means Mari is off to Europe to see Vai. Have a great time Mari. I'm so excited for you. Please come home safe. I can't wait to hear the details of your tour. Take care. Hugs to you.

Zinc...... How to Poop at work. That is a classic. I haven't stopped laughing and I'm finding this hard to write. I love it. Here's a related story. Well Sorta.... Remember my post about Guitar One's Oct. issue " Monster Chops ". Well these excersises have increased my left and right hand coordination tremendously. It has increased the strength in my right fingers also. This morning I was doing the morning ritual of crapping out last nights dinner. When it came time to do the paper work(no jobs complete till the paper work is done) This new found strength....you guess it......poked a hole right through the paper. LOL..... Man was I pissed......LOL....I was hating it.....LOL. Well now you all know .....I'm a righty wiper. Us righty wipers must unite. Make thicker paper is our battle cry. ....LOL....I was thinkin that could be a good name for a band. The Righty Wipers. LOL....Who here at T2J is a lefty wiper? Come forth....Show yourself. You are a rare breed and must be converted.....LOL.....

Cuth..... I didn't know you had a son who served in Iraq. I'm happy for you and your family he's home and safe where he belongs. Your quote....And here I was waiting for "but momma, who f*cks the stork?" That's should be a part of the joke. That was brilliant. I love it so.

Cuth the Ranter

No, I mean fag as in shirt tail lifter, ass bandit, rear gunner, turd burglar, plougher of the muddy furrow, malteser maker if you get my drift.

Keniko

Sincere congratulations on reaching 26 years of weddedness and may you have many more.

Keniko, congrats to you and the Mrs. on your 26th anniversary - and my condolences on your "breakthrough". LOL!!! It's a shitty job, but somebody has to do it. Long live 2-ply! Oh, and here's a thought... since your grip and finger strength has improved so much that you're already having mishaps, be careful when throwing your "junk" around. Don't wanna break it off now. That wouldn't make for another happy 26. lmao!!!!

Hey, you started it. LOL!!!

Don't everybody look at me!!! *blinks innocently*

cuthbert1776

Keniko

Not a lefty myself.

I will learn from your misfourtune.

I must remind myself - NOT - to shake your hand when we meet.