Part 2.....

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it man," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.... How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles.... I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock.

Hey Chad... glad to hear you're doing ok.. Gilbert Guitars used to be a good place to shop too back in the day, I've bought quite a bit off of them over the years, My Line 6 Spider amp, my Fender Blues Jr. which wasn't really a bad price $650.00 Canadian... it really is worth every penny for what I paid for it... and chances are I might end up buying something else from them one day but that doesn't mean that their prices are any good over all...

Music Pro I've bought stuff off of as well... my Yamaha GW10 guitar effect processor, a couple of guitar cases.. some guitar parts etc. etc. I've dealt with them so much they know me by name, Barrie the guitar builder... I used to jam once in awhile with the owner's sons at some point in between as well... They sell the Peavey JSX in both configs and I was considering trading both my Line 6 Spider and my Fender Blues Jr for the Peavey amp either in head and cab mode or combo.. I haven't decided on that yet...

anyways... another rough day at work... a sad reality of things to come...

might not be buying anything anytime soon...

peace

punkdude75: Right-on man, and you can pickup DramaGods from amazon.... Kinda pricey, no sound samples, but well worth it!!!!.... The reviews tell it all, lol....

Guitarmiester - Okay, here you go. I made two lists, one for guitarists and one for bassists. I know tone isn't as big of a thing for bassists as it is with guitarists, but oh well.

First, I'll mention the two Satch songs that immediately come to mind: Love Thing and The Souls Of Distortion. Joe's tone at the end of the Love Thing solo kills me every time. And what I said after hearing a sound clip of the chorus of The Souls Of Distortion for the first time is still true...I can hear the emotion dripping from Joe's fingers.

Anyway, onto the "real" lists now, in no particular order...

Guitar:
- The Edge (U2): New Year's Day (from War, 1983) - I love the tone throughout the song, but the very end of the solo is especially cool...I know everyone knows the bit I'm talking about.
- Joe Perry, Brad Whitford (Aerosmith): Live! Bootleg, 1978 (the entire album) - I love this album's mix (it was recorded professionally but mixed to sound like a bootleg); the band was pretty into drugs by this time, but they could still hold it together enough when they played live...the interplay between Joe and Brad is awesome
- John Petrucci (Dream Theater): Hell's Kitchen (from Falling Into Infinity, 1997): I especially like the guitar part before the solo, where he only plays a few notes and uses the whammy bar a lot.
- Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin): Ten Years Gone (from Physical Graffiti, 1975) - this needs no explanation
- Eric Johnson: High Landrons (from Ah Via Musicom, 1990) - EJ's tone is always killer, but his tone on the ending solo here is one of my favorites...and it still sounds great live, too
- Alex Lifeson (Rush): Bravado (from Roll The Bones, 1991); Middletown Dreams (from Power Windows, 1985) - I could describe these, but it's easier to tell you all to just listen to them
- Andy Timmons: Super 70's, Pink Champagne Sparkle (from That Was Then, This Is Now, 2002) - I'd do a good job describing these if I could, but I can't...there's just something about the tone here that reaches out and grabs me

And I know it's kinda weird to include acoustic songs on a list about tone, but what the hey. Steve Howe's (Yes) Mood For A Day from 1972's Fragile and Jimmy Page's (Led Zeppelin) Bron-Yr-Aur from 1975's Physical Graffiti are just awesome.

This post is huge already, but I wanted to include a few bassists...so:

- Tony Levin (Liquid Tension Experiment): Osmosis (from Liquid Tension Experiment, 1998)
- Michael Anthony (Van Halen): Right Now (from For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, 1991)
- Geezer Bulter (Black Sabbath): N.I.B. (from Black Sabbath, 1970)
- Tom Hamilton (Aerosmith): Monkey On My Back (from Pump, 1989); Sick As A Dog (from Rocks, 1976) although Tom wrote the song on rhythm guitar and played that on the album...Joe Perry and Steven Tyler played bass
- Chris Squire (Yes): Roundabout (from Fragile, 1972) or The Fish (from Yessongs, 1973)

HI JOE,

I was just wondering......Steve's album The Ellusive Light & Sound had lots of stuff on their from films etc that his music had been in ...that reminds me....must watch Crossroads today....I was gonna yesterday but ended up watching The Blues Brothers.....anyway I wondered if you had done any tunes for films, adverts, programmes whatever, whatever and if so have you ever considered putting them together on an album?

hey js1200js1000 :ya Big T! u got me good i thought u were mad! anyways i was just fooling around! CANADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Eh????? i love this line!!! tell me what it means!1!

962: dude ure the MAN!!!

hey i meant not the static scales that stay in 4 frets but those which go from 1st to 15th fret!! ........ ok i know its hard to get it the way im explaining but like the::: Ionian G which goes from G 6th string 3rd fret to G 1st string 15th fret.......i wanted scales like that for every key and in blues and pentatonic..........i know u must be having them.. u r talking about the ones which r confined to 4 frets or 5 frets thats!!! Get the difference?????

ayways cya pal.......thx for everything! CANADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!eh!

Hey Fellow Satchites,

I watched The Blues Brothers again last night...ahh what a classic film...shame it looks so old now but every minute and every song is a classic...I just love Jake & Elwood (any of you US guys ever go to see them play?) and the way they dance is just great....especially when they with Aritha boy that makes me giggle....I alway think I'm gonna count the amount of cars they wreck but it is just impossible I tell you and the blues mobile is so cool...when they fly over the bridge "you don't like it" "No I don't like it" hehehe actually it's not just cars...buildings watches, phone boxes..it's just such a cool film..."It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a packet of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses"..."Let's hit it man!" luv it!

If you ever go to Universal Studios you have to see the blues brothers show it's so fantastic the guys are just sooooo like them...when we went they couldn't do the show at the regular place and had to do it on this kinda bandstand thing but there was loads of room...boy did I go mad...I'm doing all the dances and singing my loudest...I think everyone though I was bonkers aaaaaaaaaand thhey did Rubber Biscuit which I never thought I would here anyone do live...fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clarky - Sounds pretty cool and I've never met a real live T2Jer....trouble is I wouldn't know ....I mean if you said Hi I'm Paul...I'd be like "Who?" but if you said Hi I'm Clarky (962, Gotta Have Joe whatever) I'd be like "Whoa Claaaaaaaaaaarkyyyyyyyyyyyyy so good to see you man!!!!!"

njbeast - Great people not wanting you to get off sounds pretty cool to me...what a compliment!

Blue Moon - the scratchplate is veeeeeeeery nice \m/(^_^)\m/

Cheese101 - You mad thing you!! Your gonna be featuring on the darwin awards any time soon aren't you!!!
Frank Zappa observed, "It's not getting any smarter out there. You have to come to terms with stupidity, and make it work for you."

Hugs Satriella xxxxx zzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaapppppp

Ovation1, I'm surprised to see what you said about King Of Clubs being the first post-Mr Big record. It says it was recorded in 1998 (same year as Flying Dog).....I didn't realise Mr Big split up that recently! Anyway, not that I'm saying you're wrong, you know your Pablo better than I do! hehe.

Anyway, yeah the live bluesy, funky vibe on KOC is gourmet. And the way he's washed acoustic guitar parts all through it is really nice. I noticed that you can get "Alligator Farm" on DVD Audio so obviously I have to get that next! haha. Rock on bro!

Take a bit of Population 1 and a bit of the raw, honest, heavy vibe of Mourning Widows and then mix in some of the most beautiful songs/vocals you've ever heard, and you've got Love.

Oh, I forgot to mention, Nuno does take the opportunity to remind everybody that he's one of the world's finest players, and a decent amont of light is shed on the high-class band around him, too!

I think this was his Mesa Boogie Maverick tone.....thick with warmth and balls but actually fairly light on distortion. Also I don't know what Chorus he uses but I have never heard Chorus used better than the way Andy uses it. He uses it as a very subtle effect....it's just enough to thicken up his tone without the notes blending together.

The two people who's setups I'd ideally love are Andy's and EJ's, both have such excellent tone!

It's so hard to explain in just words though. You need to find patterns for the seven modal scales. Ionian, Dorian, Phrygian, Lydian, Mixolydian, Aeolian and Locrian. Those 7 patterns overlap each other, so the best thing is to take a bigish sheet of card, draw out an almost-full-size layout of the guitar fretboard and put the scale patterns onto it.

Hey Suzie - Just printed off your picture of Joe Thanks...paper...pencil and away we go!!!

http://www.satriani.com/2004/discography/Super_Colossal/

;-)

Great tones:

Satriani-Engines of Creation Chris Poland(Ohm)-Self Titled Amino Acid Flashback Steve Morse-in general Bumblefoot-Normal, 911 Adam Jones-Lateralus A perfect Circle-1st two albums Van Halen-5150 Holdsworth-Tony Williams Lifetime-Believe it

howdy everyone! - for those of you not keeping up on the leaking info out there, yes indeed, the new album is titled "Super Collosal" and is due to hit the streets on March 14th! the home page has gotten a small face lift today and there's a discography page with track listings and credits, along with links to pre-order your copy today. we've got a lot in the works coming up-- video podcasts, audio streams, not to mention that the NAMM webcast is gonna drop reaaaaal soon!

also, i finally got some photos from the studio session which i've uploaded into the photos section. check 'em out :}

i've been discussing this issue of leaked news with joe and mick and they are committed to getting the info out on satriani.com first, but there just always seems to be something that goes awry and gets slipped out w/out our knowledge. welcome to the music business! that said, we are going to make an effort to wrangle things better in the future so that it really will hit satriani.com first!

njbeast - if you still haven't received your prize, please let me know. sony was responsible for sending them out and they apparently were waiting on more posters to come in and held up everything for that. but the cd/dvd should have gone out weeks ago and the poster shortly thereafter. worst case, i have some spares here that i can send out if it's just not happening on their end!

Not that any1 really gives a sh*t but i'm leaving this site now . Ive got sum prity heavy stuff going on at the moment and comin on here makes it worse 4 all u other guys and gals . Anywayz the time has come 2 say a fond farewell , I will drop in now and then but not like i have been recently .

Satriella ,

I'll speak agen soon , u hav bin a gud m8 !

Webmaster

nice home page!

yay praise the webmaster cool new look thanks!!!!

It's so good to see a theme for a strange world, called super colossal, shoot just like lightning or redshift riders in a cool new way, across one robot's dream & movin on to a love eternal made of tears while a crowd chant's love eternal in ten words to JOE SATRIANI!

Joe thanks soooooooooooo much for the album I love it already!!!!!!!!!

PEACEANDGUITARS - Noooooooo where you going?? Come back....we love you to bits in here...Oh I wish I could help you....you shouldn't be going through whatever it is on your own....talk to someone...believe me....find someone and talk...it helps so much....if you isolate yourself you will just make it worse....are you hearing me peaceandguitars!! for heavens sake don't let life get you down that much it's not worth it....your just allowing whoever is causing you to feel like this to hurt you even more....come on...you can't leave now....come on your one of the few that talk to me in here...come on now!!!!!!

JOE

"My ultimate goal is to continue playing forever," Satriani says. "I hope to never be tired of it and to always be searching to express the life I lead by taking those experiences and turning them into music. Hopefully, the guitar will be my ongoing instrument of expression."

Our ultimate goal is to listen to you forever joe and believe me we will never get tired of listening to you...thank you so much for your expressions through your guitar!