The late Pope John Paul II was standing at 'the gates' discussing things with St Peter.
Behind St Peter was a huge wall with an enormous number of clocks on it, and the Pope was inquisitive about these clocks.
Said Peter, "These are lie clocks. Everyone alive and dead has a lie clock, and each time they tell a lie one second is added to the clock. So when they come up here we know whether the person is also telling us fibs to get in".
The Pope thought this was a great idea, so he asked to see his clock. Sure enough, the hands were stuck on midnight never having moved.
The Pope had never told a lie in his life. A couple of clocks to the left were a clock with the second hand at 5 seconds past midnight.
The Pope pointed at it and enquired, and was told "That was Lord Nelson's clock, he told 5 lies during his lifetime to hide his affair with Lady Hamilton".
The late Pope was greatly impressed by this, so he asked where Britain's Prime Minister "Tony Blair's" clock was...
"Oh that's not on the wall. Jesus has moved that into his office... he's using it as a desk fan".
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Answer phone message:
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
