All the T2Jers who congregated at the Reno and SF shows, I'm jealous as hell lol I loved reading your accounts of how you all got on I hope you all enjoyed yourselves. Phil, have you got your head back onto this planet yet, my goodness, I was exhausted just reading all that! Al, typical I'm in Dublin this weekend on a cheapie hotel deal, and you're not gigging anywhere....

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

PAUL GILBERT GIG

Got to the Astoria at 4pm, funny enough two of the guys next to me were two that were next to me last time! I was 5th in line! The doors opened at 7 and there I was at the front again, stood talking to a couple of the VIPers...boo hoo...only 6 allowed and they got o jam with him and everything...but anyway the support act was very brave, just a guy and his acoustic guitar...his legs were shaking big time...but he was pretty good.

I thought was going to be disappointed without Mikey playing bass...but craig Martini was brilliant..soooo animated...he had the whole band rocking, he was duelling with Pauls guitar and he was like something from busted the way hewas jumping about...he was great.

The great think is that this time it was a variety of stuff from lots of albums...Jeff Bowders (I cant believe he mailed me!) did an amazing drum solo on Jackhammer, Emi did quite a few solos too, she is amazing and of course Paul was just soooo relaxed, I mean they have been gigging 6 months solid, so he was improving all over the place...and of course because of Jimi's drummer dying he did a tribute..."Red House" of course...but he played with his teeth for ages!....Oh it was fantastic best gig ever been too!

anyway after the gig I was milling and this roadie grabs my hand with both of his and presses a pic that Paul had been playing with into my hands, then when I am upstairs getting a t-shirt, the girl in the booth says "Oh we saw you really rocking out and singing all the words at the front"...and she reaches down under the counter and gives me a pick as well.

So then I decided to wait out the back....there were quite a few at first but it took an hour for them all to come out, it was quite amazing to see how the roadies got everything into the back of a pretty small van...anyway the fans dwindled to about 8 in the end, including an american guy who used to have lessons with Paul just after the Mr Big stage. Craig Martini came out first and signed my "Yellow Matter Custard" cover, then Jeff so I asked him why he had worn the hard hats at joes concert, he said they just found them laying around so he thought he would wear them, so I said, "but why the different colours, blue then yellow then white"...."how did you kow that?" he said surprised, "well coz I was following the tour" I said "WOW!" he said, but he had his hands full so he said he would be right back...but when he emerged from the van there were quite a few people inbetween us, coz where they came out was a general exit too, so lots of drunks kept piing up the stairs, then spent 5 minutes getting the head round why were waiting out the back, anyway he pointed at me and smiled and then went round the other side of the van, round the other people and gave me a big hug and a kiss and signed for me...including the 2+2=4. The of course Paul....I asked him if he got my bag of individually twisted goodies..."oh yeah I got that at Cardiff" he said, then I told him about changing my name...he wowed and signed for me...oh wait...before I saw Paul...his tour manager, lee, the guy on the left of this picture

http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2731366110084221824KGoUoD

he gave me a rolled up piece of paper and said "you were really rocking out at the front I think you deserve this...get Paul to sign it!"

Anyway....I didn't look at it coz this other fan was hassling me to see Paul coz his pen had gone dry, as he had stood there with the lid off for the whole hour and he wanted to borrow mine...so after I had talked to Paul the guy came up to me again and said "did you see what it was?" so I unfurled it....it was Pauls dressing room sign!....I gave lee a big hug...but I didn't have the cheek to ask Paul for another signature...may take it next time.

Next day was a wandering round london day....but with three embarrassments!

1. At the hotel, I decide I want a hot croissant, so put it in the toaster thing...but it gets stuck, coz at the front it looked big enough but if you bent down to look, after an inch it was half the width...so as I am getting it out the chef comes out and tells me they dont fit...yeah i know...give it to me and I will warm it for you...

he goes into the kitchen...then all this smoke starts pouring out of the toaster...and everyone in the eating area is staring at me....he comes back out...smoke still billowing..."Er...I think I broke it" i said hastily retreating to my seat with 50 eyes glaring into the back of me.

2. Half of the underground is closed for engineering work,....so the reamining tube trains are packed...I squeeze on one...but my backpack doesn't make it...so I am stuck with me in and my bag out, so this guy is trying to force the doors...they did open fortunately!

3. In a very very busy camden market...suddenly this girl is shouting and waving at me..."are these your jeans"...my back pack had come undone and my clothes strewn about the place...could have been worse she could have been shouting "are these your knickers!"

sigh...oh well...tis life...tis funny!

I just came across this in our local newspaper.

Man caught with penis in pasta jar

19/11/2008 A MAN caught near Nobbys Beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 kmh car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday.

Police drew their weapons when they suspected Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, was armed.

Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.

Weatherley, of Promontory Way, North Arm Cove, attracted attention parked in a no-stopping zone before noon on October 26.

Police believed Weatherley was doing something with his hands in his lap and thought that he might have a weapon.

Weatherley saw the police and drove away, despite them flashing their lights.

The chase lasted five to 10 minutes, with a top speed of just 20 kmh, before Weatherley was stopped at Centenary Drive, Newcastle. He refused to leave the car.

Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to remove him.

They found a 750-millilitre jar around his penis and noted that Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling".

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

Weatherley pleaded guilty to offensive behaviour, resisting police and disobeying a police direction.

Magistrate Elaine Truscott asked Weatherley, who represented himself, why he behaved the way he did.

He said he resisted police because he was trying to make himself "decent".

slanshroom....The satch pedal for me is perfect for blues/rock. With the gain set a little over half way, I still get plenty of distortion. And the "more" switch acts like a second distortion channel for leads. Otherwise, with the gain set all the way to 10 the more switch is very subtle, almost un-noticable to me. But that may be because my hearing 'aint what it used to be after years of amplifier abuse.

It's COLD HERE!!!

So Joe (or a roadie) sets up his pedalboard before the show does he ever need to change the settings? and how does he do it? and also which pedal effects did he use to make surfing with the alien (2007CD)? I can never get that sound. >.<

Hows it going peeps..

Hi Michelle, Tracie, Cappy, mikesb, maritime, Igneousiceman, Slanshroom, Guitar77897, McKenna, SuperDave,..........If I left anyone out, please forgive me.

I AM STILL UNWELL!! My ears, nose, throat and sinuses feel like they are under attack by the meanest, nastiest bacteria on the planet!! Thank God, my supervisor at the library emphathized with me and said please come back when you are all better, rest up, and don't think about anything except getting well. But then she is the nicest, most thoughtful supervisor I have ever had. I'm hoping the antibiotics kick this nasty bug out of my system soon.

The United States of America is the wrong place to be chronically ill. Private insurance companies insist on charging more and more to patients who are already cash strapped. Patients are responsible for rising premiums, deductibles, co-pays and other out-of-pocket costs. Employers are providing less medical and dental insurance benefits to their employees. Need I say more. This isn't just my experience with my Steve and me. Some of this info comes from the New York Times. As I quote from an editorial, "By contract, Dutch patients reported far more favorable experiences with their health care system, largely because the Netherlands provides universal coverage (through individual mandates and private health insurance), a strong primary care system and widespread use of electronic medical records. It should be possible to achieve the same level of performance here."

This is a source of great sadness to me.....as my Steve and I sink ever closer to bankruptcy!!

No wonder I was awake 4 times last night and coughing terribly! I am living with my back against a wall and I'm fighting demons of disease, suffering and trying to make a living at a library where people love and respect me for who I am. I greet a husband after work who may be as knackered as I am. Is this life sustainable? God help me.....God help us all.

Tracie, I want to rejoice with you and your Chris and McKenna. Please accept my weary good wishes at this time. In a few days, I hope I can express my good feelings to ya better.

Gotta go rest peeps....... I am sooo knackered!!

GG2 you left out DoTheStu and Blue-Moon HOW COULD YOU FORGET THOSE TWO!?!?!?!

Guitarman77897--My apologies for making a "old" person's mistake! DoTheStu--This board wouldn't be the same without you! How could I forget--sick old woman that I am! I didn't forget Blue_Moon whom I called by his last name--McKenna!

I'd like to get some rest now........later peeps.