Oh my god...I am ashamed to be British
Were you silly enough to be counted in any of the following...
• 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
• 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the Christmas lights were plugged in.
• 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all the pins from new shirts 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
• 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
• British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
• 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
• 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
• A massive 543 Brits were admitted to hospital in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
• 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
• In 2000, eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the loo.
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Signs
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Ever said something and wished you hadn't?
US PGA Commentator "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God !!! What have I just said ?!!!"
Metro Radio "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
And finally from a newsroom...
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
