A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say Polish Remover"

----------------------------

Beer or Women....who will win?

1. A beer is always wet, a woman isn't.
1 point for beer!

2. Beer is horrible when it is hot.
1 point for women!

3. A cold beer satisfies you.
1 point for beer!

4. If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you. If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again.
Draw! (it depends on your point of view...)

5. 10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere!
1 point for women!

6. The older beer is, the better.
1 point for beer!

7. Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God!
1 point for women!

8. If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you're normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you're alcoholic.
1 point for women!

9. Removing the sticker off a beer is fun, but removing women's underwear is funner!
1 point for women!

10. For a beer you pay taxes.
1 point for women!

11. If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry.
1 point for beer!

12. You can always be sure that you're the first one "opening" a beer.
1 point for beer!

13. If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself.
1 point for beer!

14. You know exactly how much a beer costs.
1 point for beer!

15. A beer doesn't have a mother.
1 point for beer!

16. You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after.
1 point for beer!
FINAL SCORE: Beer beats women. (9 to 6)

If you're a women and are getting angry, think that a beer wouldn't.
Another point for beer! Final score: 10 to 6.

he he he

out of office messages...

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Kate’ instead of Dave.

----------------------------

one for the festive seaon...

the best ever CHRISTMAS CAKE!

Ingredients

1 cup of butter
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup of dried fruit
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
lemon juice
1 cup of brown sugar
nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Method:

Before you start, sample the whisky to check for quality.
Good, isn't it? Now go ahead.

• Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup etc.

• Check the whisky again as it must be just right.

• To be sure the whisky is of the highest quality, pour one level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.

• Repeat.

• With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

• Add one teaspoon of thugar and beat again.

• Meanwhile, make sure the whisky is of the highest quality.

• Cry another tup.

• Open the second quart if necessary.

• Add two are leggs, two cups of fried druit and beat 'til high.

• If fruit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.

• Sample the whisky again. Check for tonscisticity.

• Next, sift three cups of salt or anything - it really doesn't matter at all.

• Sample the whisky.

• Sift half a pint of lemon juice.

• Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts.

• Add one babblespoon of brown sugar, or whatever colour you can find, and wix mell.

• Grease the oven and turn the cake tine to 360 gredees.

• Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake.

• Check the whisky again and bo to ged.

-----------

Is a computer male or female?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated that hurricanes at one time were all given feminine names and that ships and planes are usually referred to as "she."

One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" Not having a ready answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, males in one and females in the other, and asked each group to decide whether a computer should be considered masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be considered masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

-------------------------------

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should be considered feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

-----------------------------

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible - Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air... dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

ho ho ho

Why is there an Angel on top of the Christmas Tree?

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs Claus told him that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. Then when he went to harness the reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys everywhere.

So, frustrated Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that someone had drank all of his liquor and there was nothing left to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of pieces all over the kitchen floor. he went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw from which it was made.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Have a good holiday one and all....see you in two weeks

Hugs Satriella xx

Satchiella - Computers are female! The damn things are witchy, witches are female. QED.

Cappy...no I have'nt...lol. And I could never afford Bose myself, even before I was laid off. I always wanted to try out the L1 system for guitar but I'm sure I could buy a new car for the same amount..

Sorry Millie...I always recommend Bose because their HQ & factory are in my hometown. My dad taught me how to drive a "stick shift" on Bose Mountain when I was 11 or 12.

I have heard mixed reviews of the Saturator pedal - for the most part, the reviews say its good but slightly over-priced and can get better quality for the money. Apparently low volume being an issue also. That said, its supposed to generate great tones and be pretty versatile.

Satriella - some funny stuff there. I enjoyed reading those :o)

Ronnie...the tonal range of the Satchurator is incredible. But the low volume issue is something I agree with. Last weekend I played at a (very small) local VFW for a 50th B-Day party and was not able to turn my amp up much past 2. I had to have the volume on the pedal cranked to the max to be able to hear my leads. Don't know what to do. I'm disappointed..

hi joe my name is pablo burfford i am from mexico city and i really want to thank you for the beatiful music you give us i am a guitarplayer too. and i hope some day write song like you can you send me some advises please some scalas or something that you consider important have a grat time and continue write this beatiful musi in the way only you know how to do my mail is merlyn_34@hotmail.com

Satriella...I can see why your boss is pissed at you (only joking) keep em coming I copy and paste them onto my email all my friends think I'm cool lol...want to know where I get these funny tirades!

GG2....you're welcome, there's forums for everything some of them have a particular 'energy' that I like...this being one of them.!

Good people here.

Just about to go through my MP3 to eliminate any embarrassing music as it's being used as a source of interval music on boxing night at a gig (small gig....only two people going for all those copyright guys out there lol) .....so Meat Loaf is going to have to go then if I want to stick it on shuffle.....

Hi there, I'm searching which effects Joe uses during Crystal Planet. Can't find it on the internet. Not that I can play the song nut I'm trying :-) Can someone help me ? thanks

SuperDave and Cappy--Thanks for the advice. Yeah, being cash strapped sucks! However, I got two great sisters, a mum, an "adopted" brother in OK, 2 nieces, 1 nephew, a super step mom-in-law and my hubby, Steve, all of whom are precious to me.

SPYROS 13--How are things in Greece? I heard about rioting and social unrest. Are things settling down?

To our new T2Jer from Belgium, Ledje--Welcome and thank you for your country's blessing the world with Brussels/Belgium chocolates that taste like heaven! They are on my Christmas wish list. Yumm!

;-D GoldenGirl2

Hiya Joe, enjoyed seeing you and Leslie West.

I would like to see George Lynch on the next G3 tour, so much I would fly to the event if necessary.

Thanks for your outstanding legacy,