Satriella
Satriella Walker Sudbury, Suffolk United Kingdom
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You can get the books of it too....they just make you shake your head sometimes and wonder how people could be so stupid....although...this coming from a gal who skirt was smoking the other day coz I was standing too close to the fire...hmmmm best I shut up I think!
New guitar site...
http://www.italkguitar.com/
TV double entendres
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed:
"Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match,inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away:
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:
"There's something big growing between my legs."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
ooooo er!
Hugs Satriella xx
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Wed Feb 18 '09 5:22:36 am
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Satriella
Satriella Walker Sudbury, Suffolk United Kingdom
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The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses from 16 year olds.
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. {do dishes}
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.
-----
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Wed Feb 18 '09 5:29:59 am
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pepesy
peyman salehi esfahan, shadab iran Plays: Guitar (2024 years)
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hi joe i am peyman and i am from iran.i rigested just few days ago.after all i have play giutar for a year but i can not play it as well and ofcours i peractic too hard.would you pleas tell me how to over come this problem?plz.
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Wed Feb 18 '09 5:34:01 am
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Satriella
Satriella Walker Sudbury, Suffolk United Kingdom
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ibanez_god - hahaha people are daft sometimes!
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Answer phone message:
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. "I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
2. "I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
3. "How about never? Is never good for you?"
4. "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
5. "I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way."
6. "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."
7. "I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message."
8. "I don't work here. I'm a consultant."
9. "It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying."
10. "Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again."
11. "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid."
12. "You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."
13. "I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn."
14. "I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth."
15. "I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
16. "Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."
17. "The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
18. "Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
19. "What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"
20. "I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant."
21. "It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off."
22. "Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."
23. "And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?"
24. "Do I look like a people person?"
25. "This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."
26. "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left."
27. "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
28. "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
29. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."
30. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
Edited Wed Feb 18 '09 5:36 am
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Wed Feb 18 '09 5:34:53 am
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Zinc Master
Zinc Master Crown Point, IN USA
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2 Interesting Updates
Yngwie Malmsteen / Angels Of Love is a new 7 track release due March (USA) and April 1 (Japan) featuring "new unplugged instrumental ballads." Tracks: 1. Like an Angel 2. Save Our Love 3. Prelude To April 4. Sorrow 5. Memories 6. Miracle of Life 7. Forever One.
Rumor of the week for fans of 90s rock is a reunion of Faith No More for a European tour (no word of US dates).
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Wed Feb 18 '09 6:15:21 am
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Zinc Master
Zinc Master Crown Point, IN USA
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Metallica to release career-spanning 'box set'
The Complete Metallica coming to iTunes
from Music Radar
Metallica spent the first half of this decade at war with with download services such as Napster, but now they love, love, love the Internet, and as a measure of their affection, they're releasing their entire catalog as a digital box set.
On 31 March, The Complete Metallica, 163 tracks in all, will be available on iTunes, with other digital outlets selling the set 28 April.
It will include the band's nine studio albums - from 1983's Kill 'Em All to last year's Death Magnetic - plus 1998's covers album Garage Inc., the 1999 live set S&M, the 2004 EP Some Kind Of Monster, the 2007 live EP Live From Live Earth, along with the track I Disappear, which the group contributed to 2000's Mission: Impossible 2 soundtrack.
The whole kit and kaboodle
In other words, you get the whole kit and kaboodle. And there's more: buyers will receive eight bonus Metallica live tracks: The Four Horseman, Whiplash, For Whom The Bell Tolls, Creeping Death, Battery, The Thing That Should Not Be, One and ...And Justice For All.
No price has been announced the the box set as of yet. Metallica may have kissed and made up with Napster, but even so, we're willing to wager that the word 'free' isn't exactly on the bands' lips.
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Wed Feb 18 '09 6:18:50 am
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Sedoy
Григори& Петросо& Donetsk, Дон
Укр
Plays: Guitar (2014 years)
25 posts total | IP Logged
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SuperDaveMcCarthy (and for Joe Satriani too)- Hello my brother.Im sorry for my bad English language.My name is Grigoriy.I from Ukraine,Donetsk city.My nationality is Armenian.26 years old.Life in Ukraine - it was very hurreble. Many people in Ukraine dont like USA and USA people.But i like USA and USA people,your culture - YOUR ALL my brothers!!! My moste important wish - is live and work in the USA.But i dont have money for that.I say more - im ready work FREE,any job in your beauteful country.Help me - if you can,want and need that.Speak with me BROTHERS. I wish for you just only good things.
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Wed Feb 18 '09 9:05:33 am
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punkdude75
Miguel Chavez Chi-town, Illinois USA Plays: Guitar (36 years)
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Do the stu: My two younger brothers went to that Chicago LTE concert last year. yeah they said that it was hilarious, and they told me also about the Rudess keyboard incident you can watch part of it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFjP212teJs
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Wed Feb 18 '09 10:16:36 am
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soloist4hire
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Joe, I doubt you will ever have the time to read this, but I had a question, so I thought I would try. I know you write your own music, but if I had a piece of music I wrote, that I wanted to give you. No charge, will sign whatever paperwork needed to do so, would you take it if you like it, and use it? I know you have probably been asked a million times, and if so, I apologize for the redundancy, but I really think if you could hear it, you would love it. Its one of the most beautiful progressions I have ever written, and I think you could really take the song where it deserves to go. if you would like, i can post mp3/tabs for it, or whatever. Thanks for your time
Justin Harris
Cpl. USMC
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Wed Feb 18 '09 11:07:08 am
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McDave
Cook, MN
Plays: Guitar (40 years)
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Sedoy..no need to apologize, I just thought it was cool looking.
And as soon as all of us unemployed get our jobs back, I'll give you the thumbs-up to c'mon over and give it a shot..lol.
Americans are'nt all that bad are we? Well maybe with the exception of certain Coldplay fans..
I had the pleasure of trying one of these a little while back. I WANT ONE ! !
Edited Wed Feb 18 '09 11:24 am
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Wed Feb 18 '09 11:15:39 am
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Sedoy
Григори& Петросо& Donetsk, Дон
Укр
Plays: Guitar (2014 years)
25 posts total | IP Logged
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SuperDaveMcCarthy - You dont understand my words. I LIKE USA people,you ALLLLL GOOD !!!!!! Sorry for my English.Nice to meet you brother.
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Wed Feb 18 '09 11:27:13 am
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Friska
Richard Folkerson Guelph, ON Canada Plays: Drums (19 years)
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Hey Joe! This is Richard from Guelph ON. My school has been chosen by Habitat for Humanity to go to El Salvador and help build houses for the people who need it. Only 23 people have been chosen and I am one of them. My supervisor has asked everyone to think of ideas to raise money. So I thought to myself maybe I could get some bands and myself, just people from my school to play and raise money for El Salvador. Then I got thinking who is the one guitarist that I have listened to all my life? And I thought of YOU! So I was wondering if you could come to my school and play and help us raise money because I think you would be able to help us out. I have no idea how much I would have to pay to get you to come but if you could just take moment and think about it, me and everyone who is going to El Salvador will be great full for your contribution to help us get on our way to help the people who need it. Thanks! :)
My school is Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic High school Guelph ON. We are leaving to El Salvador March break 2010! So if you do come anytime between now and 2010 March break will be AWESOME!! I am sure my principles will be honored for you to come because we have had many celebs like Mat Sundin, David Suzuki and Tom Cochrane have come to our school even past prime minsters like Paul Martin! If you have anymore questions about this please email me :) (RushR30@hotmail.com) !!!
Edited Wed Feb 18 '09 2:08 pm
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Wed Feb 18 '09 11:45:33 am
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punkdude75
Miguel Chavez Chi-town, Illinois USA Plays: Guitar (36 years)
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Ibanez_god: Yeah man, the audio sucks on that video, but by ear you can tell that thèy`re playing a blues tune in the key of E mayor, ja ja Rudess on guitar is a weird thing huh?
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Wed Feb 18 '09 11:49:40 am
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Do The Stu
Austin Lewis, III Costa Mesa, CA United States Plays: Bass (25 years)
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maritime - Ah...sorry about the dead links. I just went searching through Google Images and picked some good ones. They worked for me for a few minutes. Oh well.
Igneousiceman - Do you like Cheap Trick at all? Rick Nielsen has a five-neck guitar, as well as the coolest doubleneck I think I've ever seen.
punkdude75 - Thanks for that video...shortly after it happened I think I saw the entire thing on YouTube, so it's cool to have the CD now.
Your right, the sound on that video is pretty bad, but it's shot from much closer than the other ones I saw so now that I have the CD I think I like it more...haha.
I went to the next LTE show, in Downey, and during the same song John's guitar rig went down. So Jordan had to do an extended solo for a few short minutes...it was pretty funny, considering what had just happened in Chicago.
Listening to: Joe Satriani - Surfing With The Alien (current song: Lords Of Karma)
...Austin...
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Wed Feb 18 '09 12:22:52 pm
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michael_duckworth
michael duckworth fairmont, wv usa Plays: Guitar (33 years)
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Please release another G3 dvd. I would love to see what kind of chemistry you, Gilbert, and Petrucci have/had.
Thanks for your time.
Mike
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Wed Feb 18 '09 12:36:40 pm
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anibur
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just announced - Girls aloud - single of year at Brits.............yee ha (not CP)
mastercard - British album of the year -Duffy...
Iron Maiden - best British Live Act
Kings of Leon - International Album
Edited Wed Feb 18 '09 1:52 pm
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Wed Feb 18 '09 1:36:16 pm
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