office lingo
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS, PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM-LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta' here.
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mcdonalds job application:
NAME
Greg Bulmash.
DESIRED POSITION
Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY
£185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD
Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY
Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING
It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS
1.30-3.30pm, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECIEVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITIONS?
I may already be a winner of the Readers Digest Prize Draw.
DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Actually I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE REST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE
Scorpio with Libra rising.