Yeah, Maritime--Do tell Skippy and me about that Hungarian Miner or is is Minor? Great interview of Joe. Love seeing him and looking forward to the Paris DVD as well.

Michelle and Igneousiceman--The linkeys will have to wait until tomorrow because my Steve is real needy right now. He is fading in and out of conciousness with the stupid seizures. He needs lots of handholding and hugs.

Tracie--Great to see your valued opinion on the page. Hope all is well with you. Are you snowed in? Hope the stuff melts into the ground and streams soon.

Al--I thought I said orange juice not wine. Oh, wellie, somewhere in Ireland the grapes are crying.

Oh, Al....Pleeeaaaasssseee don't!!! Bring on the grapes!!!!! Heeee Heeeee Heeeeee!!!!

Lovely, lovely, man!!

michelle : yeap, that's very good job.. i love the tone.

Joe Satrini. Yeah. But its just strange. He plays every koncert flawless. And a mistake on a DVD. It just sounded strange xD

Oh never mind :P

zen, i DO like that one! Thanks!

Happy Monday people! Remember...it is what you make it.

Well back at work today....so finally able to get on a computer....phew too many post to go through..

Good to see a post from Joe though!

tuesdayschild - go to Boreme.com

Glad these are making some of you laugh...

Insurance Claims....not worded very well The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

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Imagine if all major brands & retailers started making their own condoms and keeping the same tagline...

Sainsbury's Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Flash condoms - Just sit back, relax and let Flash do all the hardwork.

Hanfords condoms - we go the extra mile.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world

Mars condoms - a condom a day helps you work rest and play

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperoni condoms - its a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I start work?

-----------------------

THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." ___________________________________________

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

As bright as Alaska in December.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

The Husband Superstore

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went."

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

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Modern Nursery Rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

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It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh S ** t, it's Global Warming.

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Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

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Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And everywhere that Mary went
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
....But she didn't wear that one often.

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Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

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Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have U got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.

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Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
And turned its wool to nylon.

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Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

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Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.

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Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Hi Joe,

I am a HUGE fan of yours and my name is Gary Pagels from Detroit. I was recently left a 1956 Fender Stratacaster from my Dad that passed away in June. I am interested in selling it to someone in the music industry that would appreciate it and would play it. If you are interested in owning it or happen to know anyone who would be interested in it, please let me know. I can send you pictures also.

My email is: gp2364@wideopenwest.com

My cell is: 734-771-5686

My home is: 734-281-6568

Thank you so much and I would hope that you will respond to this email.

Gary

Gary Pagels....You could always take that beautiful instrument and part it out and sell it on E Bay like those other blood-sucking vampires do.

Happy New Year to all of you out there in Satchland!

SuperDaveMcCarthy: I really dont know :P

im still damn sick, i woke up with god knows what in my nose, i didnt know it was possible to get that much crap up there, feck sake

Ohhhh Alan, the places I could go with that one...