Yep maritime, Andy is one of my favourites and one of the nicest guys you could ever meet.

Oh my god. I just found the most wonderful song!

Its not a guitar based song. Strange enough xD Its called "Fast car". And Tracy Chapman has made it. Heres a link for the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Orv_F2HV4gk&fmt=18

Well Cube, don't think even the original Billy Cobham/Tommy Bolin version can top that....

I'm so excited!!! (though not in the same way Slan is right now)....

I just got word that Disturbed is coming to my town in April. It's a 4 mile drive. Shit man yeah!!!!!!

ibanez_god - thanks for that, I didn't exactly write down the chords for Rising Sun , just going from memory. Can't wait to try the electric - should be about 2 weeks away.

Have to now get songbooks, have been practicing chords 95% of the time for 4 weeks so now to get some easy songbooks and start trying to make a nice song.

*hands Slan another bullet*

castle49, best wishes to yer dad. I'm allergic to a lot of antibiotics and wind up with an itchy rash, but it's nothing like they just don't work. Yikes is right!

Snow storm is coming. This storm reaches from here to Texas ffs! It's yer winter smorgasbord - snow, sleet freezing rain, and rain. Hopefully we won't get it to bad.

October 19, 2008

That's the shit!!!

God.....a name for... mind...a mind that plays out its own game called life run by the imagination of ourself

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

If it really was a man's world...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and "Cheers for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

8. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

16. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

17. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.

18. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.

19. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and £2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and a fight to the death would settle any disagreements.

23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS
At age 4 success is... not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is... having friends.
At age 17 success is... having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is... having money.
At age 50 success is... having money.
At age 70 success is... having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is... having friends.
At age 80 success is... not piddling in your pants.

Things I hate about everybody...

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".

Darn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".

No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.

Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short".

What?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!

What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".

If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.

So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'

No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet.

Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It has to be a McChicken Burger, NOT just a Chicken Burger you get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McTosser.

14. When you’re involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'

Howdy, Joe!

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