October 19, 2008

That's the shit!!!

God.....a name for... mind...a mind that plays out its own game called life run by the imagination of ourself

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

If it really was a man's world...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and "Cheers for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

8. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

16. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

17. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.

18. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.

19. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and £2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and a fight to the death would settle any disagreements.

23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS
At age 4 success is... not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is... having friends.
At age 17 success is... having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is... having money.
At age 50 success is... having money.
At age 70 success is... having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is... having friends.
At age 80 success is... not piddling in your pants.

Things I hate about everybody...

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".

Darn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".

No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.

Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short".

What?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!

What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".

If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.

So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'

No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet.

Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It has to be a McChicken Burger, NOT just a Chicken Burger you get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McTosser.

14. When you’re involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'

Howdy, Joe!

If you are inclined to try out some new pickups, please check out:

url="http://www.vintagevibeguitars.com/"

Hello great friends, hello Satchland, hello Joe :)) !!

I`ve been out busy and with my mind in other place :) !!

NEWS: Today is my Birthday and my girfriend gave me a huge gift :)). I gonna be father in September :))!! I`m a little bit scary but i`m so happy ;) !!

JOE - INVITATION - you have been always a deep inspiration to me. My past was hard but your music since 1988 has been a wonderfull therapy to me :). I know that`s a little bit complicated what i gonna ask you, but do you would like to be the Godfather of my son? :)) I`m asking that to you because i consider you so much :)) . Thank you so much :)) !!

Hope everyone is ok :) !! A new age has come to me :) !! I`m really excited about it :) !! Later!! Warm Regards to all, love

Hey Cube, stop beating around the bush and tell it like it is eh??? LMBFAO

Nothing worse than commercial spam/scam on a fan website IMHO

Speaking of spam, the lowly meat (or whatever it is) is making a comeback during this recession!!!

Alexandre, congratulations!! I'm so happy for you! You will make a great and loving father. Happy birthday honey! What a wonderful time in your life. This has put a smile on my face for the day.

Snowed here overnight. No school for the kids. Slept till 10:30 this morning. I love sleep. lol! I usually only get 5 hours sleep on a work night. Sooo not enough! My son thought he'd get to spend the day on xbox. He can...AFTER he shovels! lol! I so enjoy watching him out there busting his butt. lol! It's way more fun than watching him mow the lawn. He does help around the house, but only if I make him, so this is fun for me. lol!

vintagevibeguitars Hey did you know Joe appeared in the film 'For your consideration'..?

alexandrecaetano:wow bro congrats n welcome t the club its a total trip enjoy the ride

maritime:out o bullets time for the the stun gun..., that way they get t be someones bitch in prison b4 death by lethal injection

Geez, does any band have more grief than Lynyrd Skynyrd? Billy Powell, their superb piano player, passed away today RIP Billy......

"JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- Billy Powell, the original keyboard player with the southern rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd, died early Wednesday at his Orange Park home.

Powell was 56.

Orange Park police said Powell called 911 just before 1 a.m. complaining of difficulty breathing. Paramedics found him in his bedroom responsive.

Ross Schilling, a publicist with Vector Management, said they believe Powell suffered a heart attack, but an autopsy will be conducted to determine his cause of death.

Orange Park police told Channel 4 Powell had an appointment with his cardiologist on Tuesday, but he did not go.

Powell moved to Jacksonville as a child and attended Bishop Kenny High School, where he met Leon Wilkenson, future bass player for Skynyrd. He originally joined the band in the early '70s as a roadie. Before a gig playing at the The Bolles School prom, he sat down at the piano and impressed lead singer Ronnie Van Zant enough to be invited to join the band as its keyboard player.

Skynyrd went on to sign a national recording contract and become the best-selling southern rock band in history.

In 1977, Van Zant, along with guitarist Steve Gaines, his sister, and backup vocalist Cassie Gaines and assistant road manager Dean Kilpatrick, were killed when the band's chartered plane crashed in Mississippi.

Powell suffered facial injuries in the crash, but eventually recovered. He was the only band member well enough to attend the funerals of those killed in the crash.

In 1987, Powell rejoined Skynyrd for a tribute tour and has toured with the band ever since. He and guitarist Gary Rossington were the only two original band members who continued to record and tour with the band.

Skynyrd's public relations firm announced that concerts planned Friday in Louisiana and Saturday in Mississippi were cancelled due to Powell's death. Those shows were to be rescheduled in the near future.

first of all, sad to hear about billy powell - makes me wish i had spent my last dime to buy 2 tickets and take my uncle to their show here in minnesota while i had the chance last summer. RIP brother.

secondly, i'm not sure if this is total taboo to talk about or if my post will get deleted - but i just read that CP could've paid joe off and the world wouldn't be the wiser. there's something about that statement that is bugging me. i don't know what the latest is on this case, there doesn't seem to be any new info regarding this after about the middle of december - is it just done? or are we merely waiting for a case to play itself out? if there was a payoff and the world isn't the wiser, then that's just it, "the world isn't any wiser!"

joe, i've been a life long fan of yours, and a very selective, limited fan of CP - i sorta hear the similarities, but the overall flavor of the 2 bands songs are decisively different, i can't support the decision to follow through with this UNLESS there are solid definitive results - regardless of what they are, i think the world needs to know it.

maritime/ibanez_god:think i,ll go for the extra height n weight for that decapetation effect

Michelle - we are heading into our 3rd day of over 40 deg C here in Melbourne. Pretty darn hot that one......14,000 homes lost power last night due to the load.

Maritime--You are so funny, man! Did I shower? lmao! Even with the drought in Cali, people here take showers including yours truly!

Cali is in serious trouble, people. This 2/3 majority vote for passing a budget has got to go the way of the dinosaur. No more roadblocks when dealing with the people's money. We may as well be held hostage by our legislators!

Ibanez_god---I love "House of the Rising Sun" by the Animals! I have loved it since I was a young girl! That Rickenbacher guitar rocks! I love those chords every last one of them. Want to learn--another student and teacher jam!

Michelle--your weather looks brutal--hope this Groundhog Day brings some sunny weather to you for a least a day. Do you think Al McKenna is working on that song, "F On" in the key of F? I hope so--such a gift of composition must be expressed!

Tracie--Would you please send some more rain down to Cali? We need to fill those reservoirs to the max. A fiscal crisis is bad enough! We don't need another dry season of fire storms! Thank you for your generous posts on this forum--generous like your "brother" Joe!

Cheers, brothers and sisters of T2J!!