words that dont exist but maybe should:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v.
To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
-------------------

TRUE!

• It is impossible to lick your elbow.

• A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

• A shrimp's heart is in its head.

• In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

• It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

• A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

• More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

• Horses can't vomit.

• Sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

• If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

• Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

• Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

• If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

• In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

• A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

• 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

• Most lipstick contains fish scales.

• Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

• Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

hugs Satriella xx

office lingo

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS, PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM-LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta' here.

-----------------

mcdonalds job application:

NAME
Greg Bulmash.

DESIRED POSITION
Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY
£185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS
1.30-3.30pm, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECIEVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITIONS?
I may already be a winner of the Readers Digest Prize Draw.

DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Actually I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE REST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

Sorry for the length of this one.....It's a 3 part story.

Part 1

'Let me explain the problem science has with religion.' The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?

'Yes sir,' the student says.

'So you believe in God?'

'Absolutely.'

'Is God good?'

'Sure! God's good.'

'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?'

'Yes.'

'Are you good or evil?'

'The Bible says I'm evil.'

The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!'

He considers for a moment, 'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'

'Yes sir, I would.'

'So you're good!'

'I wouldn't say that.'

'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'

The student does not answer, so the professor continues.

'He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?'

The student remains silent.

'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

'Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?'

'Er...yes,' the student says.

'Is Satan good?'

The student doesn't hesitate on this one, 'No.'

'Then where does Satan come from?'

The student falters, 'From God.'

'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?'

'Yes, sir...'

'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?'

'Yes.'

'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'

Again, the student has no answer.

'Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?'

The student squirms on his feet. 'Yes.'

'So who created them?'

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question, 'Who created them?'

There is still no answer... Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized.

Part 2

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. 'Yes, professor, I do.'

The old man stops pacing, 'Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?'

'No sir. I've never seen Him.'

'Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?'

'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.'

'Yet you still believe in him?'

'Yes.'

'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?'

'Nothing,' the student replies. 'I only have my faith.'

'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.'

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. 'Professor, is there such thing as heat?'

'Yes,' the professor replies. 'There's heat.'

'And is there such a thing as cold?'

'Yes, son, there's cold too.'

'No sir, there isn't..'

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet.

The student begins to explain...

'You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees.'

'Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.'

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

'What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?'

'Yes,' the professor replies without hesitation. 'What is night if it isn't darkness?'

'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and its called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?'

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. 'So what point are you making, young man?'

'Yes, professor.. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.'

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time, 'Flawed? Can you explain how?'

'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student explains...

'You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought.'

'It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it...'

'Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?'

'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.'

'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?'

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

Part 3

'Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?'

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean.' The student looks around the room, 'Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?' The class breaks out into laughter.

'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir..'

'So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?'

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers, 'I guess you'll have to take them on faith.'

'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,' the student continues, 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?'

Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.'

To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.'

The professor sat down.

Is Steve Vai in Denmark today?

Ozzy_Fud--Great quote from a genius. I wuv the wabbit slayer!! Those wascally wabbits are as numerous as squirrelly creatures around here. They are so obstinate, when I tell them to take a hike they shake their bushy tails at me as if they were flipping me off!! lmao!!

I am so weary after an almost sleepless night!! I don't want the state of California to go up in flames!! Maybe, I should fill my storage space with huge tanks of water and several fire extinguishers.

Dang it, world, we need H2O desperately. Do I need to mortgage my house and empty my life savings to buy truckloads or trainloads of water for Cali?? What is Sacramento going to do about this??

HELP!!! SOS!!!! H20 NEEDED NOOOOOWWWW!!!

ç:-) --{--/--{

sorry GG i couldnt help it lol, dont suppose theres any chance for an op on yer thyroid? takin 2 many meds cant be all that great for ya either

alls good here Al, think its goin t get chilly l8rs more south tho

Did someone say...No Rain?

Okay thanks :D

Hey Everyone,

I got off work early so I get to talk to you all. It is freakin' freezing over here in Fort Wayne. Right now, we are below zero degrees (right now at about -2 or -3 degrees). Tonight's low is 8 below. We have some kind of Wind Chill Warning or Freeze Warning right now until 1:00 P.M. tomorrow. I'm trying to stay warm myself.

I just bought the Joe Satriani Original Album Classics off of Ebay. I can't wait for it to come in the mail.

SuperDaveMcCarthy: Good grief!!! -30 Degrees over there? That is really, really, really cold!!! We are now hitting below zero, so I will be prepared if we encounter -30 degrees. How's the gig going and your family doing?

Joe Satrini: What intrigues me about running is because I enjoy the feeling of it. I like to go outside and run in and around the city to see what is happening. I have been running for a little more than 10 years now. I started running when I was in junior high. I was on the varsity cross-country and track teams in high school and lettered in both of them (all four years). After high school, I decided to keep running and I have joined the Fort Wayne Track Club and I have been running with people all around the Fort Wayne area (from high school, college, etc.).

Satriella: Sometimes it depends on how many races I feel like doing. Last year, I ran about 15 races. Same as the year before. I want to try to do more than 15 this year (I have about 20 lined up for now). I run for fun, but a lot of my friends and coworkers think I should go professional, but I don't think it will be happening. I am already balancing my running with work at the Holiday Inn, family, etc.

Ozzy Fudd: Great three-part story. I liked it a lot.

Okay, time for a little NLP: Neurolinguistic Programming. I would like to thank Skippygirl for this.

Michelle: Let's start thinking and chanting, "Super Bowl XLIII - Eagles and Steelers." This better happen.

GoldenGirl2: Let's think and chant, "Water, Rain, H2O!" I hope that mother nature brings the rain/water over there.

I hope this NLP works for the both of you!!!

Skippygirl: How's the guitar playing going? I ran six miles last night (in the cold).

Do the Stu, js1200js1000, Cheese 101 (Tracie), death cube k, Keniko, Blue_Moon, Guitarman77897, tikimon, maritime, slashroom, fatape, cosmic ape, castle49, ibanezplyr, JS_JS, roo, alexandre-caetano, Railton, and everybody else:

How are things going with of all of you? Been quite some while since I have heard from you. I'm trying to stay warm with this frigid cold weather. Have my running races starting up soon in about three weeks. Hey, check out (on the Internet) the hotel where I work at guys: The Fort Wayne Holiday Inn at IPFW and the Coliseum. Hope you guys can come over and check it out. Just refer it by me. I am continuing to spread the word out about our hotel.