Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John

'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live inTaiwan. Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but the poor sod's face told a different story.

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.

I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put peopleoff buying the product. Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?

Global warming has been getting a bad rap lately. But what's so terrible about having more oceans, no winters, and year-round sun tans? Before you write off the coming climate change, check out our 25 reasons why there's nothing like a nice warm globe. 1. Minnesota can change its license plate slogan from "Shit hole" to "The State with Two Coasts."

2. Kansas will finally get what it deserves: a hurricane.

3. Saying "I hate winter" will be like saying "I hate Father's Day", cause it only lasts 24 hours.

4. No more penguins.

5. The hotter it is, the colder beer'll taste.

6. "Sunny Alaska" will replace "Burny Florida" as the new winter vacation destination.

7. It will take a lot less time to boil water.

8. You'll finally get some use out of that ark you got for Christmas.

9. Hot Tubs will be replaced with Ice Tubs - which will mean lots and lots of hard nips.

10. Everyone will be so tan that we'll all look like Arabs. And then there won't be any more racism.

11. One word: Waterworld.

12. Another great excuse to hang out in your underwear 24/7/365.

13. Mexicans will start heading south instead of north.

14. You'll be able have engine block eggs without starting your engine.

15. The Olympic torch will never go out.

16. Due to the lack of ice, hockey will finally become the the sport it was meant to be: a bunch of guys hitting each other with sticks under water.

17. There's no forest fires in the ocean.

18. The phrase "hot as hell" will no longer be hyperbole.

19. You'll be able to roast your nuts without an open fire.

20. Since they're called the "Boys of Summer", baseball will be played year round.

21. You'll be able to really put your Degree deodorant to the test, just like in the commercial.

22. It'll be as hot as the south everywhere, so naturally, everyone will become as funny as Jeff Foxworthy and Larry The Cable guy. We'll laugh ourselves into world peace.

23. You'll be able to give hot rock massages to ladies you just met in the park.

24. If the entire world floods and we're forced to live underwater, maybe we'll meet Poseidon.

MR. BIG CONFIRMS 20TH ANNIVERSARY REUNION, PLANS TO TOUR JAPAN:

Confirmation of the Mr. Big Japanese 2009 Tour - As posted at: metalichicka.wordpress.com

Verbatim transcript follows: “Hello listeners of Koh Sakai, Burrrn presents Heavy Metal Syndicate. Koh Sakai, who was there at the very beginning for Mr. Big, and we're so happy to have a friend like him in Japan. And we're very happy, and thankful, to have all of you, as our friends. So, Mr. Big's coming back soon to play for you, we're excited to see you all, Koh Sakai, domo arigato, for 20 great years, my brother. Take care, see ya soon, This is Billy Sheehan of Mr. Big, over and out.” “Hello to my brothers and sisters, of Koh Sakai, Burrrn presents Heavy Metal Syndicate. This is Eric Martin. You know, remember me? Right in the middle, between Billy Sheehan, Paul Gilbert, and Pat Torpey? That's right. We're back together again. Playing a town near you. Mr. Big is back!”

“Hello, Koh Sakai, Burrrn presents Heavy Metal Syndicate. This is Pat Torpey, from Mr. Big. We're back together, all original guys. Paul, Billy, me, and Eric. We can't wait to come to see everybody in Japan.” “Hello, this is Paul Gilbert, and you are listening to Koh Sakai, on Burrrn presents Heavy Metal Syndicate. Mr. Big is back together. All original members, and we're coming to Japan to play live. So, come check it out, and rock with us. Yeah!”

NEW MUSIC FROM VAN HALEN POSSIBLE:

Joe Satriani: Great to see some blue from you. I hope you are doing well. Hopefully on your next tour, you'll stop at Indiana, especially in Fort Wayne. I'm looking forward to the DVD. Keep up the excellent work that you do as well as any other work or charities that you also help out with. As for the charities that you help support, I am willing to lend a hand, if you like. I would like to volunteer or help you out.

HELLO EVERYBODY!!!

I have today and tomorrow off, but of course, I am on call with work. Work at the Holiday Inn will be getting busier in the next few days, as well as my first upcoming running race. February 8th at 2:00 P.M. is my first run. Wish me luck everyone. I have been training earlier today and will be meeting with my running group later tonight.

Before I meet with them. I'll be heading to a book signing. Former Indianapolis Colts Coach Tony Dungy is in Fort Wayne today talking about his new book and he will be doing a book signing. :D OH YEAH!!! I am so excited and I can't wait to meet him. I already bought four of his books: One for my father (on his birthday, which is also this Sunday), one for my brother-in-law, one for my best friend, and one for myself.

SuperDaveMcCarthy: Sorry to hear that you had to sell those two things. :( I hope the family is doing well. I kind of feel down in the dumps myself, but this is work. I enjoy it, but I do most of the work and some of my coworkers do not put in the effort. By the way, thanks for those e-mails. Keep in touch and prayers to you, bro.

Maritime & Skippygirl: AWESOME THAT YOU GOT CHATTED WITH JOE!!! :D

Maritime: LOVE THE PHOTOS!!! Awesome!!! Thumbs up!!! Memories to remember for a long time.

Skippygirl: I have not had a chance to do any NLP because of my work schedules, and other businesses. Hopefully, I will get to it today or tomorrow. My first race is Sunday the 8th.

Igenousiceman: How are things going with you? Only a few more days until my first race of 2009 (Sunday actually). I'll let you know how it all went. Prayers to you, bro.

Michelle, Cheese 101, GoldenGirl2, Satriella: How are all of you ladies doing? I hope you are all doing well. Keep in touch and prayers to all of you.

Michelle: I like you voicing the opinions and facts that you talk about here. I am with you. In fact, maybe you should be a host or co-host on radio or television. I'll listen to you. How's your pop doing?

Do The Stu: Hope things are going well with you. How is life treating you? Keep in touch.

Slashroom: One down and three to go for Rafael Nadal. The next Grand Slam is the French Open and I think he's got it hands down. Keep in touch and I hope you are doing well.

Blue_Moon: How's your guitar playing going? Have you come up with any more new songs? By the way, do you have any demos or CDs of your songs? I am just curious because if you are selling them, I might be interested in one.

Joe Satrini: I haven't heard from you in a while. I hope you are doing well. Prayers to you, bro!

js1200js1000, death cube k, Railton, Keniko, Guitarman77897, Tikimon, Castle 49, Ibanzeplyr, JS_JS, cosmic ape, fatape, roo, alexandrecaetano, and to all the T2Jers:

How's it going with all of you? I hope you are all doing well. Keep in touch.

Hello Satchland, hello my friends :), hello Joe :) !!

It`s time to move for a new apartment, a new life has come ;) !

Thanks a lot to Slanshroom, Joan, Michelle and to all my friends who gave me the congrats about the fathership :)) ! I can`t wait :)) !!

Michelle - Glad that i gave a huge smile :)) !! Hope you are very well :) !! Lots of rain over here, hard Winter but that`s ok :) !! Kisses to u :) !!

Joan - Good photos on road section from Palau. I don`t know why but my photos are not there :-/. I must ask to Webmaster :) !! Regards ;) !!

Maritime - Nice pics indeed :) !!

Slanshroom - Thank you bro, how is going the life in Barcelona? Cold? Any new projects? Regards for you ;) !!

WEBMASTER - The photos from Lisbon that i took and i sent to you in April are not on the Road section, can you see that for me please? Thank you so much :) !!

Satriella - Thank you sweetie :), hope you are ok :) !! Great photo with Paul Gilbert ;) !!

JOE - Thanks a lot for the great news, good luck with the photo meeting :) !! I can`t wait to hear the new stuff. Btw that is possible to do the future releases in record? There`s many people who love that ;-). Warm regards Alexandre

Many kisses and hugs to all my friends here in t2j page :) !!

Much Love

Skippygirl--Do you have a guitar book? I have HAL LEONARD GUITAR METHOD, COMPLETE EDITION. It has books 1, 2, and 3 combined. It has a chord chart on Page 49. Ry assigned the following on that page for me: Am, C, D, Em, E, G, and G7. Just the seven chords for now. I am also doing A and A7 on my own. I don't have the finger dexterity for the F, B7 and C7 as of this writing.

Just take it slow and get your fingers to go where they need to be for the notes/chords and get used to each one. Then the chord changes and speed will come later.

100 + pages!

hello satchfolk.

hope you are all well.

remebered I have i tunes so finally bought GHOST, great tune-why on earth is nt it on the prof cd.

reading alot of stephen king. but to scared to read the shining.

anyway satch rules!

hope you tour the Uk again soon please joe:-)

Hi Joe, Great to hear from you and YES those pictures of you and Maritime are keepers! I think your guitars can't wait to perform with you on stage! I can't wait either. All the best to you and all the great musicians of Chickenfoot!

I am enjoying lessons with Ry Kihn. He has the teaching foundation and spirit!

maritime - thnx, when he replied to my post I ran into the house (was doing some emails out in the backyard) and got my children and we all ran back out and re-read the posts LOL - they are going to school today to tell their friends I had a note of encouragement from Joe Satriani :0). I was a bit stunned myself, really but tickled pink.

Al - that is a magic piece of music, really lovely.

GG2 - thanks for the bookname, I'll look it up.

Glitzy - good luck with the run next week. You can say your goal out loud wherever you are, you don't have to find time, just when you are in the bathroom, driving etc.

I want to run in under xx minutes i want to run in under xx minutes

etc.

Michele