HEY HEY HEY.....how's we all doing?

Igneousiceman - haha that cat / fire/ football joke made me laugh my socks off!

Glitzman - Wow...18th out of all that lot...well done and 2nd in your age group...(which is what?) you should be proud of yourself. How many points did you get then?I love Holiday Inns...they are great, used to stay in them quite often. My son loves Avenged Sevenfold, he would be well impressed if I was allowed to talk to him.

Do the Stu/ Skippygirl - The sky was much better in real life....it always frustrates me when taking pictures like that...they dont even come close to the real thing, must need a special camera to actually capture properly.

hrblock - hehe yeah I am sure the list could go on and on and on....ever read the darwin awards

http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/

An example....

A 50-year-old man was bird hunting in Upstate New York with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. They stopped for a smoke, and his dog found a deer leg bone! The man tried to take the bone away, but like any right thinking dog, the animal would not relinquish its treasure. He stayed just out of reach. Frustrated with this blatant show of disobedience, the man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle and began wielding it like a club. Each time he swung it, the dog dodged.

Suddenly the "club" struck the ground and fired, shooting the man in the abdomen. He was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he died from his injuries. He did remain conscious long enough to confirm this account to police; otherwise, his poor friends might now be under suspicion!

At least he didn't hit the dog.

You can get the books of it too....they just make you shake your head sometimes and wonder how people could be so stupid....although...this coming from a gal who skirt was smoking the other day coz I was standing too close to the fire...hmmmm best I shut up I think!

New guitar site...

http://www.italkguitar.com/

TV double entendres

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."

HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed:
"Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match,inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away:
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:
"There's something big growing between my legs."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

ooooo er!

Hugs Satriella xx

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses from 16 year olds.

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised?
(e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. {do dishes}

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.

----- Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.

A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

ibanez_god - hahaha people are daft sometimes!

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Answer phone message:
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

mikesb:y talkin about me y bollox lol

personaly i go for my missus awwww y,ll have t click on pics shes a gem

Do The Stu

2 Interesting Updates

Yngwie Malmsteen / Angels Of Love is a new 7 track release due March (USA) and April 1 (Japan) featuring "new unplugged instrumental ballads." Tracks: 1. Like an Angel 2. Save Our Love 3. Prelude To April 4. Sorrow 5. Memories 6. Miracle of Life 7. Forever One.

Rumor of the week for fans of 90s rock is a reunion of Faith No More for a European tour (no word of US dates).

Metallica to release career-spanning 'box set'

The Complete Metallica coming to iTunes

from Music Radar Metallica spent the first half of this decade at war with with download services such as Napster, but now they love, love, love the Internet, and as a measure of their affection, they're releasing their entire catalog as a digital box set.

On 31 March, The Complete Metallica, 163 tracks in all, will be available on iTunes, with other digital outlets selling the set 28 April.

It will include the band's nine studio albums - from 1983's Kill 'Em All to last year's Death Magnetic - plus 1998's covers album Garage Inc., the 1999 live set S&M, the 2004 EP Some Kind Of Monster, the 2007 live EP Live From Live Earth, along with the track I Disappear, which the group contributed to 2000's Mission: Impossible 2 soundtrack.

The whole kit and kaboodle In other words, you get the whole kit and kaboodle. And there's more: buyers will receive eight bonus Metallica live tracks: The Four Horseman, Whiplash, For Whom The Bell Tolls, Creeping Death, Battery, The Thing That Should Not Be, One and ...And Justice For All.

Ibanez_God

Bored I guess, I now see Nascar fans in a whole new light LMAO....

Do the stu: My two younger brothers went to that Chicago LTE concert last year. yeah they said that it was hilarious, and they told me also about the Rudess keyboard incident you can watch part of it here:

Joe, I doubt you will ever have the time to read this, but I had a question, so I thought I would try. I know you write your own music, but if I had a piece of music I wrote, that I wanted to give you. No charge, will sign whatever paperwork needed to do so, would you take it if you like it, and use it? I know you have probably been asked a million times, and if so, I apologize for the redundancy, but I really think if you could hear it, you would love it. Its one of the most beautiful progressions I have ever written, and I think you could really take the song where it deserves to go. if you would like, i can post mp3/tabs for it, or whatever. Thanks for your time

Sedoy..no need to apologize, I just thought it was cool looking. And as soon as all of us unemployed get our jobs back, I'll give you the thumbs-up to c'mon over and give it a shot..lol.

Americans are'nt all that bad are we? Well maybe with the exception of certain Coldplay fans..

Hey Joe! This is Richard from Guelph ON. My school has been chosen by Habitat for Humanity to go to El Salvador and help build houses for the people who need it. Only 23 people have been chosen and I am one of them. My supervisor has asked everyone to think of ideas to raise money. So I thought to myself maybe I could get some bands and myself, just people from my school to play and raise money for El Salvador. Then I got thinking who is the one guitarist that I have listened to all my life? And I thought of YOU! So I was wondering if you could come to my school and play and help us raise money because I think you would be able to help us out. I have no idea how much I would have to pay to get you to come but if you could just take moment and think about it, me and everyone who is going to El Salvador will be great full for your contribution to help us get on our way to help the people who need it. Thanks! :)

maritime - Ah...sorry about the dead links. I just went searching through Google Images and picked some good ones. They worked for me for a few minutes. Oh well.

Your right, the sound on that video is pretty bad, but it's shot from much closer than the other ones I saw so now that I have the CD I think I like it more...haha.

I went to the next LTE show, in Downey, and during the same song John's guitar rig went down. So Jordan had to do an extended solo for a few short minutes...it was pretty funny, considering what had just happened in Chicago.