whats an irish mans idea of artwork...

drinking 50 pints and making a portrait of himself in sick on the floor!

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'Are the tablets doing you any good?' asked the doctor.

'Well, to be honest,' said Murphy, 'I haven't started taking them yet.'

'Why ever not?' asked the doctor.

'Well,' said Murphy, 'you told me to swallow them after a hot bath and I haven't finished swallowing the hot bath yet!'

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'I've bought a new clock,' boasted Clancy. 'It goes eight days without winding.'

'How long does it go if you do wind it?' asked the barman.

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The drunk rang Dublin airport and inquired: 'How long does it take to fly to New York from Dublin?'

'Just a second,' said the receptionist.

Thank you,' said the drunk and replaced the phone.

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'Wasn't it tragic about my brother Michael,' moaned Kelly. 'Women and whiskey killed him.'

'Is that so?' sympathised OToole.

'Yes, he couldn't get either so he hung himself!'

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'Have you decided what to buy your missus for Christmas?' asked McPhee.

'Sure, she decided it for me,' answered Kelly. 'She said she wanted something with diamonds in it. So I've bought her a pack of cards!'

Seen in a Dublin newspaper:

Prize crossword. Solve it and win £20,000 plus a holiday for two in Paris.

For those only playing for fun, the answers are on page 14.

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Sign on the coast road by a small Sligo village:

'When you can't read this sign, the road is flooded.'

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'I want some six by four timber for the new barn,' said Cassidy.

'We don't call it that now,' said the DIY manager. 'Since we've gone metric you have to ask for 15.2cms by 10.16cms. And if you want any it's two pounds a foot!'

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Father Francis it was who stubbed his toe and stumbled whilst baptising a child, and henceforth the boy was known as Thomas oops McNaily'.

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Irish they were and drunk for sure and they sat in the comer of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.

Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.

'Mick, Mick,' he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'

'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'

'That does it,' said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.'

But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'

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'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,' said Murphy.

'Three,' said Ranagan.

'That's near enough,' said Murphy.

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Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air.

As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it.

A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter.

Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your damned ice cream!'

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...

------

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

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OH MY GOD THIS IS FREAKY!

http://www.stelarc.va.com.au/earonarm/index.html

Sorry, I am Brasilian Don't not speak english.

Queria por meio desta, dizer que gosto muito das músicas do Joe Satriani, que o admiro muito, e sou fã fiel ao grande compositor que ele é. Ainda sou novo, tenho 17 anos e comecei a tocar violão com 13, um ano depois aos 14 meu professor tocando musicas do Joe Satriani o que me levou a querer tocar guitarra, meu sonho a partir daí é de se tornar o melhor guitarrista do mundo,e tocar ao lado de Joe ao menos uma vez na vida. Não tenho os melhores instrumentos para tocar e ainda caminho devagar em busca de meu sonho, desejo como primeiro grande passo, conseguir de qualquer modo uma guitarra igual a de Joe no Joe Satriani Live!, sonho em ter aquela guitarra preta da ibanez,infelizmente aqui no Brasil,é muito difícil conseguir coisas importadas, o preço sai muito caro.

Chega de conversa, muito obrigado Joe, suas músicas me dão força para correr atrás de meus sonhos e conquistá-los.

Michelle - yes, Joe should definitely come here to Reading.... yep, suits me ; b

Dream3 - well, SIM worked for some rellies when they came over. Anyways, willing to help out where poss, keep you posted.

Mowlie 2000 - it's just a standard PGM right, not a rare anniversary model right? Cos if it's standard Scuba is right, signed or not it's worth half price straight away.

D O M - cheers!

MikesB - LMAO, nice find! Is that David Blaine on bass at the end.....

skippygirl - you have him wrapped around yer fingers : )

Thinking of getting a new amp to replaced some of my rack gear... What are people's opinions of the Marshall JVM 410h?

Oh and before you ask yes I did try the JSX and I didnt like the clean channel...

Hey:D Just got into your stuff, and man it's awesome! I've got the Satch tapes too, it's a great inside look.

I now play a Fender Stratocaster, but I am in need of a heavy duty guitar too! So I was thinking, to buy a JS100, and put PAF Pro/Joe (depends) and DiMarzio Fred in it, sounds like a good idea doesn't it.

I might be at chickenfoot's gig here in Holland!

You should do GuitarMasterClasses man, I mean, you're one of the best players nowadays, (certainly in the top 5) . You know alot of theory and the lessons for guitarworld/magazines were sublime!. Is the chrome boy still in the making? I can't find them anymore..

4 preview songs of Travis Larson Band forthcoming live DVD
Go to [videos]

Ape: the elders are here.....
Call the first witness...
Mr. Hartley Peavey

Pip. when I looked at that map, the first thing that came to my mind was...

So fucking what!

Well, I've been to Hastings and I've been to Brighton - I've been to Eastbourne too - So what, so what - And I've been here, I've been here - I've been every fucking where - So what, so what - So what, so what, you boring little cunt

They can come to both Readings, and even Redding California if they want :-) I'll share. lol!

Scubadaz

I think Mike's bbq sauce is doing strange things to our Joseph......

LOL!!

AUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!

How does ANYONE find their way around San Francisco OR find a hotel FFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Hi everyone...just thought I'd post a quick note to say that I'm back.

I saw Unwigged and Unplugged (Spinal Tap) at the Wiltern on Sunday...it was great. They played some songs from A Mighty Wind and did some other stuff as well. One of the funniest parts of the night was when they read through a memo from NBC's censors that contained a list of edits that needed to be made in order for the movie to air on Saturday night television. I won't say much more in case anyone else is catching the tour...

Anyway, I have about 400 posts to catch up on...so I'd better get started.

One song in particular that caught my ear was Devil's Daughter by Silvertide. I knew of the band but never heard a note until now...I think they are (or at least, this song is) pretty good...does anyone know more about 'em? They sound very Black Crowes-esque.

You could probably tackle something that's more interesting, though...maybe Speed Of Light? Even I can play most of that on guitar, and I play bass (ha!). The rhythm part is really fun...some of the solo lines are difficult, but you can just play the rhythm part instead and still make your way through the entire song.

EDIT - Tracie...I just saw your hotel complaint. I'll email you in a bit...