all hail slanshroom....

JOE .....What do you think of the pictures I draw of you? Actually that anyone draws of you....does it freak you out? do you like them? Do you hate them?

Anyway whatever you think.....its my way of showing you that I love your music and appreciate the hard work!

The Firman - Wow ....welcome back....Glad to hear Wanda is fully back to life......great pictures with Joe!

SteveeT - The thought of making money hadn't even crossed my mind....as I said I would give them away if I could.....just need to cover the expence of the calender and postage that's all.

slanshroom -"oh baby" that has to be the most disgusting thing I have seen in a long time! lol....well done on the myspace...hey why is your hair straight on the CD? Yeah I know what you mean by working solo being best....but hey I am sure you will realize your dream if you don't work quite that hardd....strike a balance!

Blue_Moon - The kids and grand kids are lovely!

Simon - I LOVE YOUR MUSIC!

Cheese101 - What is Rock n Roll Fantasy Camp anyway?....to actually be able to play the guitar in any way shape or form would be my fantasy!......and it is a fantasy....the only noise I would get out of a guitar would be if I dropped it!

cuthbert1776 - I would jump at the chance too...but I am sure having IT knowledge would be best!

Pup Zenabi - No disrespect but If I was a legend like you and I saw a fan that respected and admired my god given talents not to mention will not allow anyone to argue the fact that you are the most revelutionary BADASS guitarist ever, I would at least do something.?

what do ya mean....what do you expect him to do exactly? I mean he does a lot for us fans already?

njbeast - Man its seems forever....it has been forever.....welcome back! Are you finished recording? Are you missing the whole Satch experience.......sigh....I am!!!!!!

Master Yoda - sorry to hear you were stood up!

BigBunny - yeah I do cheat a little and grid just to get the eyes, nose mouth and ears in the right place...then I rub it out and the rest is all shading....I went into the art shop yesterday....nearly got some acrylics...but No...tooo scared to try something new....I will leave it to the expert.....YOU!

962 - Plllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease send me a CD of your stuff including the old stuff ..... I miss it sooooo much! I LOVE YOUR MUSIC!

peace&guitars - you still alive?

SteveeT - Thats easy I can get it from the site I post my stuff on...I already have a couple of mugs a mousemat, a keyring......I gave joe some Luggage Tags too.....oh just noticed though you can only put one picture on them......hmmmm wait......yep I can do it with 12 different pictures through Tesco's too....desk calender or A4.....I will be getting one thats for sure!!!!!

BigBunny - Yaeh I saw the tree frog....Metalica is amazing....I take it you have to build up the picture....see I am not sure I have the patience or time for that.....a friend came round the other night...I took his picture, printed it off while he went to the shop and I had finished it in 2 hours....see thats the way aha aha I like it aha aha!

slanshroom - You will probably be pushing up the daisies non stop too!!!!....well I guess we will be seeing less of you in here for a little while then....this is a killer of time....I came on here for 2 and a bit hours the other night with the sole intentions of answering all my emails.....what happened......nothing!!!!! I just chatted the time away!!!! grrrr so listen and learn.....if you want to get anything done....put down the mouse and step away from the computer....nice and gentle!!!!!! Oh the hair....good either way!

njbeast - shouldn't that be "Yeah baby!" lol.....yeah podcasts are cool hope he keeps them up even when he is not on tour....I think the French look and accent were pretty cool...oh and wow the popstar life.....check out the swimming pool!!!!!!!!!! wow thats the highlife for you....and it could all be yours if you work hard enough....hehe

Hugs to all Satriella xx

Suzie - We all have our ups and downs...this place can be a real diary room for your feelings....

although....

i think people forget sometimes that this is actually for posting to Joe...

so if you dont get any answers or things are negative...

well then just post to Joe...

anyway you got nothing to worry about your the most popular person in here and rightly so!

hey Joe...you know what I never get tired of listening to you.....Flying in a blue dream album is constantly on in my car....mostly coz thats the one I have on tape and the CD player doesnt work....but I just love it to bits......

Tell me do you ever look back at old albums and dislike them or feel that they are not so good?...I mean now that you have moved forward...if you see what I mean....I mean for me everything you have done is still wonderful but how do you feel?

speaking of the above someone tell me pleeeeeeeeeease... why does my stupid car CD player keep spitting the CD's out....it is soooooooooooooooooooo annoying

why

why

why!!!!!>????????????????????

oh yes I have tried cleaning the heads and the CD's...

Suzie - Hey there have been plenty of times when I have been down too....

THANKS TO ALL WHO EMAILED ME BY THE WAY....YOU ALL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!

There was no need to delete your post....no need at all...like I said you can look back as a kind of diary see how you were feeling in years (hopefully) to come....anyway you just take a look at everyone....we all go through it sometimes....whats up to make you so down anyway?

Big Bunny - yeah see you are fantastic at portraits....grrr....only joking...I hope you win a prize...i keep wondering if I should enter something of mine somewhere....but i wouldn't know where to start!

_________________________________________

Well I will be packing tomorrow! Yippee a mini holiday...Oh I wonder if we will go through the square that Joe played in....that would be good...i will take a piccy if we do

oh oh....js1200js1000 .... let me get this straight then...the JS1200 only comes in red?...that seems very strange to me!

Growler - You have been cheering people up and giving very good advise...well done for that!

JOE.....

Webmaster Jon......that was an unfair comment by someone who obviously doesn't know you, Joe or the site.....we know you are not like that......your a busy guy! We know you do your very best....even with things that don't concern you sometimes....

Hugs Satriella xx

JOE - Great some blue....and you wanta know why that makes us happy.....

Big Bunny - awww thanks for the support....I know that not many people go to the archive section and most dont even know there is a fan art section....but just to have one of my pictures...although I wouldn't want to pick which one!....to have one of my pictures here....well it would just mean the world to me!

MThead101 - Good to have you back on the board my friend....we have missed you

962 - you back yet?

Why am I not even excited about going to Poland....I was excited about Joe for weeks and weeks.....I am going to Poland tomorrow and nothing...mind you we are going to a wedding where we only know the groom and not many people speak english.....hmmm should be fun...haha...I was trying to tell a Polish lady that there was a boot sale at the school yesterday....I showed her my bag of stuff and pointed towards the school and the boot of her car...her face lit up and she rushed around and got the keys to the boot of her car....ahh bless.....no no thats not what I mean...hehe...it can be fun explaining to someone who hasn't got a clue what you are saying....I guess the boot will be on the other foot in a day or 2.....well could be quite funny then eh!

oh I just had a thought.....yeah yeah I know it doesn't happen very often...better write it down quick...

WEBMASTER - Why does it have to be just one person....why can't you just provide a space/page where ANYONE can just go in and put a link to something about Joe....I mean as long as you can make it so that only links to web pages can go there and no messages...wouldn't that be the best solution?....that way no ONE person does the job...we can all play a part if we want to...is that er feasable....if thats how ya spell it...

Drat....there were a few people I was gonna message and I can't remember who or what now.....

thats what you get for getting ideas..lol

JOE - I AM SURE GOOTA HAVE JOE WILL....

LOL

Big Bunny - I love all the Art in the Art section....it just represents...well what I feel...appreciation for Joe...and its giving something back...and of course I know the hard work that goes into the pictures so I appreciate every one. thanks for your support.....somehow I feel that it just wont happen though...I mean the fan art is in the archive section not the on-going section....so I think Webmaster must think its not worth having any more......sigh!

Keniko - Aww its so nice to have a fan club of 2...thanks...oh I was forgetting SteveeT and Tuvster.....fan club of 4! lol

Blue Moon - WOW....what can I say...yet another pure anthem you got there....I mean it...your songs have this quality that moves the listener ....you know what I mean...where you just get lost in the music and whatever you are doing takes a back seat coz you just gotta listen!

FANTASTIC!

Right well I am off to Poland in a couple of hours...so I really should pack or something....you guys be good....oh and don't do too many posts.....use the chat instead....otherwise its gonna be a nightmare to catch up when I get back....Oh anyone who has emailed...sorry will have to check those out when I get back.

Hugs Satriella xx

Hello my cyber Joe family...I am back and now I will tell you all about it....ready...OK..

Well what can I say about Poland

Firstly the people are amazing!!! So warm and generous!

First the Airport, well I say airport, what I mean is house….in through door, 2 steps passport control, 2 more steps and baggage carousel, 2 more steps and exit…blink and you could have missed it! We were met by Jarek (the groom to be) and his uncle to be Seigfried he had a mini bus so in we got for the two and a bit hour journey to Jareks town…..beep…beep….beep (what sounded like an alarm clock) this got us worried but we were told that it was good because it meant that the van was working OK….but just imagine an alarm clock going on for 2 hours….aaaagh…still the scenery was beautiful…what we could see of it as it was raining.

Thirty minutes after arriving we were taken to Jola’s (that’s the bride) parents house Lizzie and Yurak (or as we called him Papa Smurf) they could not speak a word of English but made us extremely welcome and even though it was 8 in the evening there was a feast layed out before us for around 20 people even though there was only 8 of us. Well all we heard until midnight was “Eat” “Drink” Then when we left we were given a bag load of stuff in case we got hungry in the night and told we would be picked up at 9 for breakfast! Sure enough breakfast was the same….no less than a banquet but we had a little although we were not hungry and still told “Eat!” Now for a tour of the town, which was about five minutes walk from the hotel, we were shown around the market square then taken first to one of the towers….the town was one big fort really with a big wall around it and towers along the way….120 steps up for a great view…then we did the same up the clock tower, then to see the church where they were to be married and more of the town…then back to Jola’s for more food!…..After lunch we were driven to another little town further up in the mountains to see an old gold mine….the tour was good but of course we couldn’t understand a word!….when we came out we had to walk further up the mountain to another mine..inside there there was a hole which if crossed meant you were now in Czech Republic!….another 120ish steps down and there was a beautiful waterfall all lit up…it was stunning….BUT another 120 steps back UP!!!! NOOOOOOOO…..awww it was all worth it coz it was lovely…a few souveniers and then a drive back with a few interesting stop offs on the way…..guess what…yep… back to the hotel to get cleaned up then we walked across town to Jolas for more banqueting!

Next day we had a lay in then looked around the town….the prices of things were ridiculous…for example big wide screen telly which in England would have been at least £800…..£200 in Poland!…oh and later we went to see Jareks uncle and his family who were quite well off and guess what he is a stunning artist!…Oh yes and then back for another banquet!

Saturday…Wedding day….went into town to look around the market in the morning then we got changed and walked over to Jola’s house…it was a real privilege to be there….Jola waited outside for Jarek then all upstairs to the living room where they kneeled down and all parents gave their blessings….this was a real family moment…..then we went downstairs and all got into 5 cars and headed to town…now this bit was amazing….they are all tooting their horns and we went around the market square twice doing this before arriving at the church where we had to wait about 20 minutes as another wedding was running late….obviously we didn’t understand a word of the ceremony but it was lovely…then outside on the steps the bride is given a bouqet of flowers from each of the women and the presents are given…then back into the cars and tooting around the town …but this time we stop and 4 bottles of vodka were given out to the towns people…this is Polish tradition apparently (They did quite well considering there was a wedding before we went in and then another one waiting when we came out!)..how lovely is that…then off to the reception….Jola’s mother presented them with a kind of bread cake then they drank some vodka and threw the glasses behind them (more tradition)and in we all went…time was 4 in the afternoon…the party finished next morning at four….only to start all over again at 3 on Sunday going through till 10 at night! Well anyway we thought we had had lots of food before…OK here is how it works at a Polish wedding reception…you eat…you drink vodka…you sing a special song to the bride and groom…they kiss….you dance (some also went outside to talk around some tables and chairs outside)….and repeat over and over and over again through the night….the first dance of course was taken by the bride and groom but everyone else links hands and dances/walks around them. Actually this scenario of being in a big circle was done quite a lot…everyone is included and together that way….Anyway there were quite a few who could speak pidgeon English so it was great….and we never for a moment felt out of place…everyone was lovely….oh oh as always I took off my shoes to dance etc…but this got the locals very worried….(it was a hot day and night)….they were most concerned that I would get cold and no-one else took there shoes off…its just not done… Anyway in-between the two parties at 10 on Sunday morning Jareks uncle marck took us back to where the gold mine place was because there was a massive Go-ape place…it was amazing up in the mountains..it’s the biggest one in Europe,…it was such good fun and made the one in England look very tame…especially the last two zip wires the first went across a valley and the second sort of along it by the side of the cliff!….it was so great and Mark took some pictures and another uncle taped us….I think we will be sent the pictures so post them later….anyway back to hotel change and back to part two of the wedding whick was very much the same as the day before…except..one time off I went to the loo and when I came out they were all chanting my name and cheered when they saw me…Dave, Troy and Jade were on the dance floor and I was to join them….Anyway Jolas sister thanked us for being there and that they all loved us..then we had to dance while they linked hands and danced around us….then they kind of did the hokey cokey where they all crowded in and out and the next minute me and Dave had been hoisted into the air…then everyone cheered!…..and so the party continued….we were given a box load of cakes when we left in case we got hungry although of course we had to go for breakfast the next day so we left them for the maid along with some beers.

The downside was that the mozquitoe’s obviously liked English food…namely me!!!! I am covered in itchy red bites…I look like I have measles!

It was very sad to leave….the whole family was there to wave us good-bye and Lizzie gave me another present a table cloth she had made herself its beautiful!

All in all we were treated like close family members and their generosity is something we will never ever forget!

Pictures...Oh OK..

http://travel.webshots.com/album/553812731CATurv

I LOVE POLAND!!!!

JOE - STILL LOVING YOU AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!

Do the Stu - congratulations...hows it going?

962 - eric the half a bee was great...

ssfender _” I think a G3 version of “Free Bird” would be awsome too and maybe a rocked up version of "Stairway to Heaven" too!

Aquaphobe - Nice to see a new member...your english is great...bon...why did you move to Switzerland...not sure Joe has ever played there

Growler - Have you ever considered that maybe your going to the wrong church.There are three simple scriptures that come to mind 2 Corinthians 13-14
13 For such men are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into apostles of Christ. 14 And no wonder, for Satan himself keeps transforming himself into an angel of light.

Satan makes himself look good to fool people, after all if you were in a room with 2 doors and standing in one was a dark angry person and in the other was a light kind person, which door would you choose? So just like a bomb wrapped in pretty paper with bow, there are many things that Satan wraps up to look good but are really bad on the inside including himself…just to get people going down the wrong path and not to god, that’s what he has wanted from the start A&E were quite happy worshipping god and following him but Satan didn’t like it and wanted it for himself so he deceived Eve and he still deceives today!

(this applies to Slanshrooms point too) another scripture is John 13:34-35
34 I am giving YOU a new commandment, that YOU love one another; just as I have loved YOU, that YOU also love one another. 35 By this all will know that YOU are my disciples, if YOU have love among yourselves.”

Any church that allows its members to go and fight and kill others (no matter who they are) ….well who are they serving…the answer is simple and rules out many many churches

Last one…Hebrew 10:24-25 . 24 And let us consider one another to incite to love and fine works, 25 not forsaking the gathering of ourselves together, as some have the custom, but encouraging one another, and all the more so as YOU behold the day drawing near. When you go to “church” it should be a place where everyone is encouraging and loving and displaying the fruits of the spirit that are mentioned in Galatians 5:22-23

Oh and yes some trip to Vodkaland er Poland...yep it was great!

Oh we heard a great new phrase from the brides sister, when we went back to the house to say goodbye her husband was still in bed and she said that after the party "he lost contact with the world!" .....hahaha....isn't that a great phrase!

Suzie - How are you feeling now...out of the low?

Bahduh - will email asap

OH OH who posted the mickey take of JP that was funny...still gotta watch exercise 1,2 and 4

Hugs to all....Satriella xx

Gonna have to face it.........

Growler - Yeah I see your point....and when you think about it Paul and Barnabus Acts 15:39 At this there occurred a sharp burst of anger, so that they separated from each other; and Bar′na‧bas took Mark along and sailed away to Cy′prus. 40 Paul selected Silas and went off had a bit of a falling out for a while but later....anyway later on Paul acknowledged how uesful Barnabus was in the ministry and they made up....so yes sometimes a little time has to be given. I know what you mean about Mormons, however they are happy to fight in wars, which to me doesn't fit in with god.....god is love...jesus said by this all will know you are my diciples if you have love amongst yourselves...how can going off and killing someone possibly someone of your own faith in another country, fit in with that...the meek will inherit the earth according to quite a few scriptures (mtw 5:5, Psalm 37) meek people don't fight and as psalm 37:11 says  But the meek ones themselves will possess the earth, And they will indeed find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace......its not gonna be very peaceful if people are prepared to fight is it.....still as Slanshroom says each to their own if they feel it is right thats up to them.

Aquaphobe - Oh yes don't worry posts do get reaed around here...you don't always get an answer and its rare to get an answer from Joe....but it does happen every now and again and boy do you feel happy when it does...I was jumping around like a lunatic for a week when I got an answer!.....aah the things we do for love eh...like moving miles away from home...that's nice! I have to say I was not overly keen on France when I went there for a few day, but there was some lovely scenery.....as there is in any country!....Actually I have no idea what Switzerland is like....hmmm have to have a look at that.

Bigbunny - Have you heard the result from the competition yet?

For any who are waiting for emails....sorry it could take some time...I have lots to reply to and not much time....be patient!

Zincmaster - Oh how good to see an old friend....welcome back....I hope while you have been gone you have found lots of goodies for us...I love your posts!

SteveeT - Ooooooo I love Rubber Biscuit it is so amazing...i have quite a bit of Blues Brothers stuff.....I must say I was very surprised when we went to Universal in florida there is a Blues Brothers act there and they do Rubber Biscuit very well.....I thought that no-one would be able to do it like the original but they were superb...thanks for the vid!

Slanshroom - hahahaha....oh such a shame I have brown hairs!

Growler - Oh yes we must obey the authorities as god has allowed them for a bit of order until he rules again, however paul showed that if their orders go against god...well he is the higher authority so we do what he says as per acts 5 28-29 when the apostles had been preaching and the authorities told them to stop ....their reaction....--- and said: “We positively ordered YOU not to keep teaching upon the basis of this name, and yet, look! YOU have filled Jerusalem with YOUR teaching, and YOU are determined to bring the blood of this man upon us.” 29 In answer Peter and the [other] apostles said: “We must obey God as ruler rather than men. we see this also in the case of Daniel....the order was put through by the king that no-one should pray for a month....now Daniel could have just done this in secret...but no he did it in front of the window as always and was arrested for it....Shadrach, Meshack and Abednigo again everyone was to bow to the image...yes they went along but they didn't bow....well there are many examples....at the end of the day as per my previous scriptures there are plenty of people who don't believe in god who can fight for the governments if thats what they want but as a christian its not right to fight...

you tell me would it come under the works of the flesh or the fruits of gods sprit?

Galatians 5:19-2519 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, and they are fornication, uncleanness, loose conduct, 20 idolatry, practice of spiritism, enmities, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, contentions, divisions, sects, 21 envies, drunken bouts, revelries, and things like these. As to these things I am forewarning YOU, the same way as I did forewarn YOU, that those who practice such things will not inherit God’s kingdom.

22 On the other hand, the fruitage of the spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, 23 mildness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Moreover, those who belong to Christ Jesus impaled the flesh together with its passions and desires.

25 If we are living by spirit, let us go on walking orderly also by spirit. 26 Let us not become egotistical, stirring up competition with one another, envying one another.

Big Bunny - Oh sorry.....thought you had already handed in....so when will you know the result...ooo I am nervous for you!....by the way I keep meaning to ask about your name...why Big Bunny?

Growler - Galatians 6: 7-10 ...7 Do not be misled: God is not one to be mocked. For whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap; 8 because he who is sowing with a view to his flesh will reap corruption from his flesh, but he who is sowing with a view to the spirit will reap everlasting life from the spirit. 9 So let us not give up in doing what is fine, for in due season we shall reap if we do not tire out. 10 Really, then, as long as we have time favorable for it, let us work what is good toward all, but especially toward those related to us in the faith.

js1200js1000 - Are you OK? Not seen you here in a while?

I wonder if in the future, long after Joe has gone there will be lots of Tribute Joes?

Anyone up for the job?

Ok that's...........1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9......5000....Oh i lost count Oh lots of you!!!!!

hahahahaha

Blue Moon HI!!

slanshroom - Oh I am sure that tucked away somewhere in Barcelona there is an English Fish n' Chippy...you just ain't lookin hard enough....hehehe...I mean even 20 years ago when I used to go to a little fishing town called Calpe, there was an English Pub that did Fish n Chips...OK this your quest...no matter how far...oh I feel a song coming on!

Growler - You didn't answer my question but fair enough my friend, we will agree to disagree, although considering one angel killed 185,000 assyrians in one swoop, I don't think he needs us human to fight at Armageddon. I didn't critisize the Mormons quote Fair Enough, I know what you mean about Mormons, however they are happy to fight in wars, which to me doesn't fit in with god still as Slanshroom says each to their own if they feel it is right thats up to them.

When I said I know what you mean I meant that they are lovely people, as are most people and notice I said each to their own at the end....that goes for everyone, including you my dear.

Big Bunny - Awww the real Big Bunny is so cute....although I am sure you are too! hehe....did you see any of the other paintings and if you did how do you think you will do?

962 - Aww I thought that's what you meant....well I hope it never happens! Oh what do you think of the new webshots layout...I am most confused, preferred the old way!

Joe Satrini - you on you tube yet?

Hugs to all Satriella xx

Zenfish - How can you lie with a guitar? What do you mean?

AussieRGman - Oh thats great......er I think...you will have such a good time and you deserve it....a well deserved treat after looking after your mum so well.....how's it going by the way?

Hugs Satriella xx

JOE....PLEASE COME TO THE UK WITH STEVE...THAT'S MY NEXT DREAM...PLEASE...PLEASE MAKE IT COME TRUE!

AussieRgman - Oh don't worry it will be fine! you got it you got it!

Growler - My son plays bass....do you ever play lead on Bass....a girl I met says that she does...but I didn't think you could do that...not enough strings and all that?

Zenfish - have you ever noticed that art, as life, is full of liars & cheats?....well it depends a lot where you choose to hang out I think...but generally yes!

slanshroom - I will let my Brother know...he has a chippy over here but wants to move abroad....I am sure he will jump at the chance although he was gonna go down near mymum in Fuengerola

962 - yes they have improved it now, but at first all the pictures were all mixed up on one page...it was very confusing!

njbeast - lol....can you imagine what it must be like when Madame Tussauds do a model of you...now thats gotta be weird...meeting up with yourself!

Joe Satrini - Oh yeah i do remember the headless guitarist now! lol....show us your face!

big Bunny - oh well we can only hope now and cross our ears! hehe

4012.......

jeepers!

you been here forever death cube!

have you got a long white beard and a staff by any chance!

lol

yay blue Good to see ya Joe!

How do ya think you would feel meeting yourself at Madame Tussauds?

Why play guitar with only two fingers? (go closer to the end of the piece)

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/django-p1.php

hahahahaha...never to old to rock!!!!!

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/rock-concert-p1.php

or too young!

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/priceless-guitar-p1.php

Guitarman1987 - very mellow…..post a rock song!

gizzarelli - how did it go with Deep Purple….site = you are a jack of all trades..music photography,film!

Death Cube K - you are the man...I mean fan!

big bunny - this ones for you...hahaha you may want to change the last word though!

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/wabbits-p1.php

Hugs Satriella xx

anyone who wants cheering up...

Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog poos in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 note to yourself by Royal Mail.

JOE - THANKS FOR ALL THE PODCASTS....WE LOVE EM....KEEP EM COMING AS YOU KEEP ON ROCKIN'