Skippygirl - LOL they made me laugh...I love the rain one...we sit around watching them die...haha

goldengirl - glad you laffin!

A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate. And ate... and then... she ate some more!!!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She'd found a solution. She thought if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor! Dead Fly.

The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

---------------------------------

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh!t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

-----------------------------

There are some weird place names around the world..check these out!

1. Shafter (California, USA)

2. Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)

3. Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)

4. Bastard (Norway)

5. Twatt (Orkney, UK)

6. Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)

7. Muff (Northern Ireland)

8. Wankie (Zimbabwe)

9. Climax (Colorado, USA)

10. Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)

11. Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)

12. Fukum (Yemen)

13. Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)

14. Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)

15. Turdo (Romania)

16. Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)

17. Seymen (Turkey)

18. Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

19. Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)

20. Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)

21. Wanks River (Nicaragua)

22. Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)

23. Fuku (Shensi, China)

24. Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)

25. Fukui (Honshu, Japan)

26. Shag Island (Indian Ocean)

27. Fukue (Honshu, Japan)

28. Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)

29. Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)

30. Chinaman's Knob (Australia)

31. Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

32. Tittybong (Australia)

33. Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)

34. Dikshit (India)

35. Dog Dyke (Midlands,UK)

36. Wankener (India)

37. Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

38. Upper Penguin (Australia)

39. Pratt's Bottom (Kent, UK)

40. Jacks Bush (Salisbury, UK)

41. Black Charlies Opening (Tasmania, Australia)

Know any more?

Hi satcharockilus fans!

Michelle - some good names there!

Anibur - Ugley...haha....wonder if the people who live there are?

Lorenzo001 - Bog recreation LOL

Joe Satrini - Get well soon....hope it wasnt the accident that is making you sleepy?

-------------------------------------------

Geography of women

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35 she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

------------------------------------------

Only in America...

Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America do we award someone $3,000,000 for spilling hot coffee in their own lap.

Only in America do we have labels on baby strollers to remind people to remove the baby before folding up the stroller.

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America do banks leave all the doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage.

Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!

----------------

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a while and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

WISE WORDS ABOUT LOVE...

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

---------------------------------------

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird...

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat...

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Big Bunny - http://www.guitarworld.com/node/1809? You should send them your picture!

Roffler - LOL and how many drinks had you had BEFORE you decided to go get some beer....One too many me thinks hehe

Ibanez_god - DOH! ...yeah I have a story every day that makes me go DOH!...but I think the most classic was when my boyfriend and I had been to a party on at the weekend and got home about 5pm on the sunday...we went straight to bed, having been up all weekend on speed, we needed sleep to get up for work monday morning....so we wake up at 7.45am..the boyfriend having to be at work at 8...aaaaaaaaagh big panic...get dressed and rush out to walk to work... we get halfway and we notice that there are people in the pub...thats a bit odd....what are they doing in there at this time of the morning?

DOH! yep...we had had almost 3 hours kip and because it was the time of year where the light was about the same at 8am and 8pm we hadn't noticed that it was in fact 7.45 in the evening when we woke up!

-----------------------------

Male v Female definitions....

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH! There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

---------------------

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." He says.

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: There are some conditions, though. Number one, you have to be single. And number two, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic, too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a long, drawn out kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

The cabbie says, "Forgive me, Sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

big bunny - er...oooo....um....I dont know what you do....sorry ...will have a look later

Ibanez_god - LMHO these are carols hahahahaha

--------------------------

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us!

--------------------------------

Jack and Jill - A lesson on how NOT to conduct your wedding night.

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said, You'll like this one !!

"When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.

I said to her, "Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".

Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".

"Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that".

Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack. So Jill said "Exactly, and if you don't change your f****** attitude, you never will!"

Anibur - just popped in to put your elf vid on here...but looks like Michelle has already done it...so I will post a funny instead hehe...

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

The one for many of you...er..I include myself

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your night-gown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a small but humorous question in an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

--------------------------------------

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labour.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

_____________________

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

hugs satriella xx

maritime - LOL whatever turns you on!

tee hee hee....seems like I got competition...

Ibanez_god - Rabbit...er..Wabbit...snake....LOL

Maritime - Bedridden...cringeworthy yet funny at the same time hehe

Tuesdayschild - hope your mum laughs!

Skippygirl - hung out to dry....LOL

Wonder if they are cheering Joe Satriani up?

----------------------------

I've learned that... the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned that... when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned that... just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned that... having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned that... being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned that... you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned that... opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned that... when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned that... one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned that... a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned that... I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned that... when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned that... everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned that... it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned that... the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

-------------------------------------------------

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get a wooden leg?"

"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?"

"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"

"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drowned. Sure did save my life."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

No one likes Mondays.

Anyone who does like Mondays are soulless undead or managers and therefore don't count.

Never ask anyone how they are doing on Monday.

Everyone is allowed to complain on Mondays.

Never try to complete an urgent task on Monday. If it finds out you'll be sorry.

If Monday's got you marked, you're done for.

No one ever beats Monday. Ever.

Somehow there always seem to be more Mondays than Fridays.

On Mondays, it's always your fault, and there is no way to fix it.

Anything that was just a slight irritation on Friday always grows to an unbearable vexation by Monday.

Calling in sick on Monday only means more trouble on Tuesday. Mondays cannot be avoided.

Monday will never forget what you're due.

If Monday were a person it would be a crazed traffic cop. Not really evil, just too powerful, and highly vindictive.

Knowing that Monday morning is coming has a way of ruining Sunday nights.

Tuesday is one of my favorite days only because it's the point at which Monday is the farthest away.

If you did anything useful on Friday, you will have to do it over on Monday.

Monday loves to see you sweat.

In many places Monday is considered and dirty word and shouldn't be used in polite company.

Monday should never be approached with out coffee.

Feel free to add your own revelations.

----------------------------

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!!!

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Label Instructions...

On an American Airlines packet of nuts Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts

On a Japanese food processor Not to be used for the other use

On a Swedish chain saw Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

On German headphones Do not increase volume past threshold of pain

On Sainsbury's peanuts Contains nuts

On Sears hairdryer Do not use while sleeping

On a bag of Fritos You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap

On some Swanson frozen dinners Serving suggestions: Defrost

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box) Do not turn upside down

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta iron Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication

On Nytol Sleep Aid Warning: May cause drowsiness

On most brands of Christmas lights For indoor or outdoor use only

On a child's Superman costume Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly

On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid Do not use on food

On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?

On V-tech phone Electronics, like people, sometimes get confused

-------------

THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL CVs AND COVERING LETTERS

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Marital status: often. Children: various."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

well...looks like I better start looking for another job...

my boss has been showing signs of not liking me for a while...

he is very very old fashioned...he didn't like it coz I juggled... I used to get a lift in with the warehouse guy...but robert changed his hours and said that I couldn't come in on the works van....

he doesn't like the fact that I like guitar music..and now...

Friday he calls me into the board room and shouts the roof off at me

why?

Because i put "regards Satriella"on an INTERNAL email....

he said that I was damaging the company reputation by changing my name and that I was a weirdo and he wasn't having it!...this is the mild version!

The thing is no one outside the company who is work related knows I changed my name...I very rarely put my ame on anything anyway...and if I did it would be no different to the person at the other end to when I took over the job and the name changed from my pre-decessor to my name.

Joe Satrini - Sorry to hear about your cat...wishing her well

Ibanez_god - Cinderella...hehe that was funny!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it

3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you fart.

6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

8. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

9. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

10. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

11. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

12. Experience is something you donít get until just after you need it.

13. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.

14. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

---------------------------------

BELIEVE it or not , these are REAL 911 Calls

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No . Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say Polish Remover"

----------------------------

Beer or Women....who will win?

1. A beer is always wet, a woman isn't.
1 point for beer!

2. Beer is horrible when it is hot.
1 point for women!

3. A cold beer satisfies you.
1 point for beer!

4. If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you. If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again.
Draw! (it depends on your point of view...)

5. 10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere!
1 point for women!

6. The older beer is, the better.
1 point for beer!

7. Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God!
1 point for women!

8. If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you're normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you're alcoholic.
1 point for women!

9. Removing the sticker off a beer is fun, but removing women's underwear is funner!
1 point for women!

10. For a beer you pay taxes.
1 point for women!

11. If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry.
1 point for beer!

12. You can always be sure that you're the first one "opening" a beer.
1 point for beer!

13. If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself.
1 point for beer!

14. You know exactly how much a beer costs.
1 point for beer!

15. A beer doesn't have a mother.
1 point for beer!

16. You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after.
1 point for beer!
FINAL SCORE: Beer beats women. (9 to 6)

If you're a women and are getting angry, think that a beer wouldn't.
Another point for beer! Final score: 10 to 6.

he he he

out of office messages...

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Kate’ instead of Dave.

----------------------------

one for the festive seaon...

the best ever CHRISTMAS CAKE!

Ingredients

1 cup of butter
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup of dried fruit
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
lemon juice
1 cup of brown sugar
nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Method:

Before you start, sample the whisky to check for quality.
Good, isn't it? Now go ahead.

• Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup etc.

• Check the whisky again as it must be just right.

• To be sure the whisky is of the highest quality, pour one level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.

• Repeat.

• With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

• Add one teaspoon of thugar and beat again.

• Meanwhile, make sure the whisky is of the highest quality.

• Cry another tup.

• Open the second quart if necessary.

• Add two are leggs, two cups of fried druit and beat 'til high.

• If fruit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.

• Sample the whisky again. Check for tonscisticity.

• Next, sift three cups of salt or anything - it really doesn't matter at all.

• Sample the whisky.

• Sift half a pint of lemon juice.

• Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts.

• Add one babblespoon of brown sugar, or whatever colour you can find, and wix mell.

• Grease the oven and turn the cake tine to 360 gredees.

• Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake.

• Check the whisky again and bo to ged.

-----------

Is a computer male or female?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated that hurricanes at one time were all given feminine names and that ships and planes are usually referred to as "she."

One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" Not having a ready answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, males in one and females in the other, and asked each group to decide whether a computer should be considered masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be considered masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

-------------------------------

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should be considered feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

-----------------------------

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible - Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air... dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

ho ho ho

Why is there an Angel on top of the Christmas Tree?

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs Claus told him that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. Then when he went to harness the reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys everywhere.

So, frustrated Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that someone had drank all of his liquor and there was nothing left to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of pieces all over the kitchen floor. he went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw from which it was made.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Have a good holiday one and all....see you in two weeks

Hugs Satriella xx

Well back at work today....so finally able to get on a computer....phew too many post to go through..

Good to see a post from Joe though!

tuesdayschild - go to Boreme.com

Glad these are making some of you laugh...

Insurance Claims....not worded very well The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

----------------------------

Imagine if all major brands & retailers started making their own condoms and keeping the same tagline...

Sainsbury's Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Flash condoms - Just sit back, relax and let Flash do all the hardwork.

Hanfords condoms - we go the extra mile.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world

Mars condoms - a condom a day helps you work rest and play

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperoni condoms - its a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I start work?

-----------------------

THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." ___________________________________________

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

As bright as Alaska in December.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

The Husband Superstore

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went."

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

-----------------------------------

Modern Nursery Rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

------------------------------------------------------------

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh S ** t, it's Global Warming.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And everywhere that Mary went
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
....But she didn't wear that one often.

----------------------------------------------------------

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

----------------------------------------------------------

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have U got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.

----------------------------------------------------------

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
And turned its wool to nylon.

----------------------------------------------------------

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

----------------------------------------------------------

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.

----------------------------------------------------------

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Igneousiceman - What did you do in the air cadets?....Rise above the rest...LMHO

Ibanez_god - lamb Chops...yum yum! HAHA

-----------------------

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus...

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
An old friend who once saved your life..
The perfect partner you have been dreaming about..

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HOWEVER, the correct answer is:

Run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings.

--------------------

A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
"Yes, madam, you were speeding."
"Really?"
"May I see your licence please?"
"I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"Don't have one?"
"Nope. Lost it after drunk driving four times."
"I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"Nope. Can't do that either."
"Why not?"
"Well ... I stole this car."
"Stole it?"
"Yes, after I killed and dismembered the owner."
"You what?"
"Lost my temper. It was messy. His body is in a pile of plastic bags in the boot if you want to see."

The policeman looks at the woman for a second, then backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes there are more police cars circling them. A police sergeant approaches the car, gripping his half drawn gun. He clears his throat, then calls to her, "Madam, please step out of and away from your vehicle please."

She does so. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
"Yes. Could you open the boot of your car please?"
She does, and they both look down into a dusty, empty space.
"Is this your car, madam?"
"Yes. Here are the registration papers."
The Sergeant scans through them, and sees that they are in order. "My officer claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The woman rummages through her bag, then hands her licence to the puzzled Sergeant.
"Ma'am, my officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and dismembered the owner."
"I'll bet the lying b*st**d told you I was speeding, too!!"

hahahahaha i will hvae to remember thiswhen I get a car!

Hugs and laughs Satriella xx

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. Is there another word for synonym?

8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

9. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

10. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

12. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

13. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

14. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

15. How is it possible to have a civil war?

16. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

19. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

20. Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?

21. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

22. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

--------------------

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFE! : I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks... but chocolate sings.

Another thing to giggle about... My significant other, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.

Here have some chocolate.

Roo - Happy 200th to youHappy 200th to you....lalalala you know the rest LOL

Goldengirl - Get off the fluffy cloud, pick up the phone and go for it!!!!!!!!

Igneousiceman - Now...ya see....I never could get my head round why anyone would want to go somewhere to be shouted at...ie any of the forces? I mean its not nice is it?

when my boss shouted at mebefore christmas, I was crying for the rest of the day....its just an awful thing to do to someone...or to receive...so why go somewhere where you know you are going to get it?

-------------

If you ever have a difficult situation to manage,you might consider the approach offered by this obviously well trained Customer Service Officer.

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

--------------------------------------

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767's had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS!"

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out".

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 14".

With folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
No need: There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.