Cappy Steve - did I miss something...where ya going?

Igneousiceman - More respectful.....haha...cough...splutter...I very much doubt it!

Glitzman - Hiya M8y...I am Pretty good, divorce is still on-going, finances not being sorted, but I have swopped solicitor, hopefully things will get done now....feels like its gone on forever, although its been nearly a year since hubby asked for divorce, just wanna get it done now!...I miss the kids loads....but there we go, apart from that HAPPY BUNNY coz I just ordered a limited edition PAUL GILBERT album....boo hoo not out till beginning of March though... Howz things with you!

Joe Satrini - Thinking of you!

Guitarman77897 - First one was funny....woman stops sucking, although that would depend whether she was a sadist I suppose LOL

It made me laugh when you said you broke a string, because I thought, for a man its

"Oh no I broke a guitar String"

for a woman

"Oh no I broke a nail!"

He said, "I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said - You wear pants don't you?

He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said, "That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa."

He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"

Hugs Satriella xx

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says, "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says, "So she would love you."

-----------------------------

Kids are so smart these days....
Some feel that kids are getting dumber these days. After reading following conversation they will have to change their opinion.

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?.
STUDENT: Seven. .
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday? .
STUDENT: Nine. .
TEACHER: That's impossible. .
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today. .

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. .
GEORGE: Here it is! .
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? .
CLASS: George!.

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago..
WILLY: Me! .

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? .
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are. .

TEACHER: Why are you late? .
WEBSTER: Because of the sign. .
TEACHER: What sign? .
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow.".

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?.
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? .
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card..

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake..
SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher... snakes don't have feet..

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?.
JOSE: Don't bite any. .

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". .
ELLEN: I is... .
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am." .
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." .

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? .
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money. .

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,what would I have? .
JOHNNY: Big hands! .

hehe

Hugs Satriella xx

Oh my word....

I AM EXCITED!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

BOINGY

BOINGY

BOUNCE.....BOUNCE....BOUNCE!!!!!

I drew a portrait of Jeff Bowders, Paul Gilberts drummer, and he emailed me and said it was great and could he have it! gave me his address and everything...posting it to him today!

I mean I have sent portraits all over the world...hehe...mostly to Joe fans from here....but this is the best yet!

WOW!!!!

golden girl - why what? why the divorce? Well at least we lasted 24 years before it ended....although we had been growing apart for a number of years.

Anibur - Wow those words were cool....glad i saw the post after the three hours had gone by, otherwide it would have drove me bonkers!

Slanshroom - HAHAHAHA Hypothetical and reality made me chuckle muchly....congratulations by the way!

Glitzman - Sounds like you got a real juggling act going on there. How many races do you do a year? Professional or just for fun? Thanks for the comment...thats kind of you!

Joe Satrini - what would make a good song title?

words that dont exist but maybe should:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v.
To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
-------------------

TRUE!

• It is impossible to lick your elbow.

• A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

• A shrimp's heart is in its head.

• In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

• It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

• A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

• More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

• Horses can't vomit.

• Sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

• If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

• Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

• Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

• If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

• In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

• A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

• 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

• Most lipstick contains fish scales.

• Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

• Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

hugs Satriella xx

office lingo

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS, PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM-LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta' here.

-----------------

mcdonalds job application:

NAME
Greg Bulmash.

DESIRED POSITION
Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY
£185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS
1.30-3.30pm, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECIEVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITIONS?
I may already be a winner of the Readers Digest Prize Draw.

DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Actually I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE REST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

El nico - I swear thats a dog barking....but I stand corrected if its true!

Delia's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.

The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Woman's Way
Buy smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Woman's Way
Tesco sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks

The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give a sh*t.

Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?

Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles

The Real Woman's Way
Left over wine???? Hello!!!!!

----------------------------------

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him or Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

LMHO

No offence!

Hugs Satriella xx

Are you happy being a man...here's why!

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President of the USA.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt in the rain.

You can wear NO shirt in the rain.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too filthy.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £5000. Tuxedo rental £75.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £3.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have bra strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

AND

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbours would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't come with energy

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

Hi Joe - WOW I am missing seeing you live...wish it could be once a week!

Thinking of you lots and hoping the DVD is coming soon!

Michelle - Thinking of you...hope your job is safe in the end

Goldengirl2 - how are your fingers...thats what puts me off guitar...within minutes they really hurt!

Railton & Wooleyman - Welcome back!!!

Joe Satrini - Ooooooooooooh I see....DOH!

Hugs Satriella xx

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free......you either married it or gave birth to it.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like,? "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat. " Now ... I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, Body how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen bitch ... do it and die.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

-------------------

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

The King of Hearts is the only king without a moustache.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

All polar bears are left handed.

10 ways to terrify telesalespersons:

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in a SINISTER voice , "I don't have any friends - would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give our credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good bye and hang up.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down

-------------------------

Two minute management course

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

-----------------------

Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

---------

Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Full Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Cheese101 - good to hear how you got into joe...where did cheese101 come from?

Funny enough the guy that introduced me to joe 14 years ago came to visit only last week...hadn't seen or heard from him in years! He was stoked that I still had the tapes he had done so long ago...it was actually a tape of Steve Vai - Flexable but he put some joe on the end to fill the tape...been into joe/guitarists ever since!

how did everyone else get into joe and when?

Hugs Satriella xx

He doesn't have a BEER GUT,
he develops a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not QUIET,
he is A CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He does not have a FABULOUS REAR END,
he has achieved GLUTEUS MAXIMUS PERFECTUS.

He is not STUPID,
he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He doesn't GET LOST all the time,
he discovers ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING,
he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

You do not BUY HIM A DRINK,
you initiate an ALCOHOL-FOR-CONVERSATION EXCHANGE.

He does not FART and BELCH,
he is GASTRONOMICALLY EXPRESSIVE.

His jeans are not TOO TIGHT,
he is ANATOMICALLY UNDERCIRCULATED.

You do not KISS him,
you become FACIALLY CONJOINED.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER,
he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK,
he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS,
he develops a CASE OF RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not SHORT,
he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not have a RICH DADDY,
he is a RECIPIENT OF PARENTAL ASSET INFUSION.

He does not constantly TALK ABOUT CARS,
he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He does not have a HOT BODY'
he is PHYSICALLY COMBUSTIBLE.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED,
he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG'
he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS,
he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He is not a SEX MACHINE,
he is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG,
he has SWINE EMPATHY.

You do not UNDRESS HIM WITH YOUR EYES,
you have an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.

He is not AFRAID OF COMMITMENT,
he is MONOGAMOUSLY DISINCLINED.

-------------------------------

She does not GET YOU EXCITED,
she causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY,
she is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

She does not have a KILLER BODY,
she is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING,
she is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD,
she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She is not STUPID,
she is CEREBRALLY DISADVANTAGED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY,
she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY,
she achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID,
she is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY,
she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP,
she has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS,
she is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She does not NAG YOU,
she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT,
she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not LOOSE,
she is MORALLY IMPAIRED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS,
she is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She does not have THIN LIPS,
she is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

Hi Joe!......hey ..I am glad I changed my name to Satriella...a sales guy talked to me the other day and when I said my name...he said it was unusual so I explained how it came about and he said "Oh wow I am a Joe Satriani fan too"...so I told him I had drawn you lots. Next time he rang he said that he had checked out my drawings and now had one as his desktop picture!

Glitzman - Thanks for caring!

Ibanez-god - Actually you are wrong....we love being invited in!

Things mum taught me....

RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into next week!"

LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to CRY ABOUT!"

OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'til those lima beans are gone!"

HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"

CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Marriage reflections...

"My wife and I found the secret to a peaceful marriage several years ago - separate bedrooms. I sleep in the east bedroom and she sleeps in a different part of town."
Mike Nichols

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."
Hemant Joshi

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
Socrates

"Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them."
Alexandre Dumas

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?'"
Sigmund Freud

"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me."
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1) Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
2) Whenever you're right, shut up."
Ogden Nash

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."
Anonymous
"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."
Henny Youngman

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
Rodney Dangerfield

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
Milton Berle
"Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy."
Anonymous

hahaha

Hugs Satriella xx

Joe Satrini - hey matey...tried to email 3 times yesterday...got errors every time....so will post here...

So sorry bout Kitty...been there 4 times myself, so I know how hard it is...1 in particular I have never been so heartbroken about anything before or since, I was totally inconsolable for a week!

Hang in there!

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

If it really was a man's world...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and "Cheers for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

8. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

16. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

17. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.

18. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.

19. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and £2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and a fight to the death would settle any disagreements.

23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS
At age 4 success is... not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is... having friends.
At age 17 success is... having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is... having money.
At age 50 success is... having money.
At age 70 success is... having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is... having friends.
At age 80 success is... not piddling in your pants.

Things I hate about everybody...

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".

Darn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".

No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.

Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short".

What?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!

What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".

If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.

So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'

No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet.

Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It has to be a McChicken Burger, NOT just a Chicken Burger you get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McTosser.

14. When you’re involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'

Alexandre - Congratulations....hope you love your gift!

Hugs Satriella xx

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f---off and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

29 ways to annoy people

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 7 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.

3. Sing along at the Opera.

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think".

6. Practice making fax and modem noises.

7. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and cc. them to your boss.

8. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

10. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.

11. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

12. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

13. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

14. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

15. Honk and wave to strangers.

16. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

17. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

18. type only in lower case.

19. Buy a large number of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

20. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now".

21. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

22. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up" and repeat.

23. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

24. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".

25. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

26. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

27. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles".

28. Tell your friends 4 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

WEBMASTER - JON - Good to see some green- I Can't seem to get into the photo's you were talking about???

enjoy!

Ozzy-Fudd - that's bwilliant that post about the military...vey logical too...I agree!

Hideous puns for all you lexiophiles (lovers of words)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward [or dyslexic] poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

8. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered. [In more ways than one.]

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Feel free to groan now.

Hi glitzman - I is good....not sure what will happen about the divorce/finances now though as my ex has just been made redundant!

New words to think about...

TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

WOOFies - Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

The Ultimate Guy Quiz. How will you score?
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend could ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) impossible - she looks too gorgeous!
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

--------------------

Score 1 point for every answer "a"
Score 2 points for every answer "b"
Score 3 points for every answer "c"

-------------

Grrrr for heavens sake...this is drving me NUTS!!!!!!!!!

For a whole week now...whenever I try to send an email...as soon as I hit send...

the whole internet shuts down and my message isn't sent!

I have tried numerous scans...all sorts but to no avail!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!

Do the Stu - sorry to hear you have been having troubles!

slansh - Ta muchly :-)

Hugs Satriella xxx

Bizarre complaints These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of them are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

hahahaha

Hugs Satriella xx