Dear Mr. Satriani:

Back in February of this year, you sent, via your webmaster, well wishes to my husband Matthew, who was fighting esophageal cancer. I want you to know how much it meant to him and to me to know that you would take the time from your busy schedule and personal life to send him an inspirational message. He treasured it.

I'm sorry to say, Matthew passed away on October 18th at the age of 39. He fought hard but in the end his poor body just didn't have the strength. He died peacefully with his family at his side and we took him home to upstate NY.

Matthew was and always will be my heart, my soul and my guiding light. Before I met him, I didn't know the difference between a Gibson and a gibbon. I didn't really know good music until he taught me how to appreciate all the different sounds. We were fortunate to attend a G3 concert in Washington DC a few years ago when you, Steve Vai and Yngwie Malmsteen performed and it was one of the best concerts and a memory I will always treasure. Heck, I have many - on our first date, he rented the movie Crossroads so I could watch and hear the "guitar duel" and I was from that moment hooked - both on him and the music.

Matthew was a fantastic guitarist - I know he's up there somewhere jamming with everyone who went before him...at least I hope so.

Anyway, thank you again for your kindness and for giving him those words of encouragement. I wanted you to know how much they meant to both of us. I hope to see you perform again someday - although I'm not sure if I'll be able to do so without Matthew - time will tell.

Thank you so much to all who have sent their kind well wishes. I am totally amazed and gratified by the generosity and concern of the people on this site. I didn't plan on posting anything else - I just wanted Mr. Satriani to (hopefully) know how much his kindness was appreciated - but I am overwhelmed by everyone's consideration - I wasn't expecting that.

It is now 4 am and I still can't sleep - I don't sleep much anymore. Today is one month since Matthew died and I'm still in a fog. I am moving at the end of this month - I can't continue to live here without him and I want to be closer to his family in NY. I feel like I'm running on auto-pilot - I know that the full effect of grief hasn't hit me yet as these past few weeks have been a blur and I've been busy packing and making decisions about the move.

I tried to listen to some music but couldn't - Matthew taught me to love the Scorpions and I had "Here In My Heart" played at the funeral but now I find that I can't listen to anything yet. I was in the car today and "Let it Be" came on the radio and I started bawling - and that didn't even have any special meaning to us - it was just the effect music is having on me. I hope I'll be able to listen again without breaking down. Music was such an integral part of who Matthew was - it scares me to think I may not be able to enjoy that gift he gave to me again. I suppose it's too soon.

So I surfed back to the site to re-read what I had written and was totally in awe of the generosity and kindness of all the people here. I hadn't planned on writing again but I think now maybe I will. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings and thank you to one and all for your warm welcome and condolences.

My heart goes out to you Jason during this difficult time in your own life and you are in my prayers as well.

Saying goodbye isn't easy and I know it doesn't matter whether it's a parent, a husband, whether they're 39 or 82, it's something you're never ready for. Matthew & I had so many plans for our future together and even after his initial diagnoses we had faith and hope that he'd beat it but...well, I don't really know the right thing to say here - part of me feels angry & cheated. But a larger part of me takes comfort in knowing that even though we only had 5 years together, we had that time - and we were meant to finally find each other. Matthew was the one person I was supposed to be with and he loved me and I love him and even better, we were best friends and nothing will ever change that. So many people go through their whole lives without ever experiencing that - so to that end I am extremely grateful. It doesn't make it any easier but I am trying to keep things in perspective.

Wow, I guess not sleeping makes me a bit "wordy" - I apologize for the length of this post but thank you all again for providing me with the opportunity to express myself. It feels good to talk about Matthew - especially with folks who share his passion and love of music. His favorite saying was "it's all about the guitar". Oh yes, he gave lessons to kids too.

Good evening to all and Happy Thanksgiving to those of you who are celebrating tomorrow. Be safe and happy.

Thank you again - I can't say that enough and it doesn't seem to be enough to convey my sincere appreciation - to everyone who has posted offering condolences and support - I am still overwhelmed by how wonderful everyone is. You all bring tears to my eyes - just knowing how many good, kind and loving people are in the world. I know Matthew would have also been deeply touched by the concern shown here. I wish I had thought to post while he was still here - he would have loved talking to you all.

A personal aside to Jason - how are you holding up? If you want to talk, please email me at annie_linder@yahoo.com. I can't imagine how you're feeling - I only know how I feel about my own loss. I've been doing some research about grief and I'd like to send you some info I've collected, if you want it. I kept thinking something was wrong with me because of the ways I've been reacting - I've never lost anyone close to me, so I had no clue - but I've learned a few things and that is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve - it's a completely individual experience. Do whatever you want to do and don't do anything you don't want to. I know people mean well when they tell you to be strong or to move on, etc., but that's not a good thing to say - you need to move toward your grief, not run from it. It's okay - no one can understand how you feel, sometimes not even you can. Just know that I'm here if you want someone to talk to - and if not, that's okay too. You have to do this however you want - that's what I'm learning. It's not a disease, you don't "recover" from it. Losing someone changes you forever.

I had to go to the Register of Wills this week to file paperwork (a most difficult task) and the woman I spoke with had this posted on her memo board - and I found it to be both profound and comforting - perhaps you will too:

I seem to be falling apart. My attention span can be measured in seconds, my patience in minutes.

I am a newly grieving person.

Hello and Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate - may your day be filled with love and laughter and I hope you'll cherish and be thankful for it all the time, not just today.

Here it's just another day - I'm busy packing - I move in 6 days!But thought I'd take a break for a few minutes to have a cup of coffee and respond to a few people individually.

cheese10 - Re: your post of 11/18/06 - I finally managed to put on some music a day or so ago - I cried the whole time while I listened but I smiled a lot too. One of them was "Always With Me, Always With You" - it was the first Satriani song Matthew played for me and now it's taken on an even added meaning for me. I tried to listen to Steve Vai play the Guitar Duel from Crossroads but couldn't get through it. Our anniversary is Oct. 5th and he was still in Johns Hopkins on that day, so I brought in a portable DVD player and we watched that movie together - it was something we always did on our anniversary. It was the movie we watched on our first date and it was the last movie we watched together. I'll try next year. But in the meantime, I'm slowly letting music back into my life - certain songs I may never be able to listen to again - but I did manage to get through "Don't Stop At the Top" (Scorpions) - he LOVED that one. Thank you for your words of comfort - and hugs back.

Joe Satriani - re: your post of 11/18/06 - Thank you - I felt a chill run through me and tears well in my eyes when I saw your post - I think it was Matthew sharing with me the joy of realizing what a nice person you are - I know it was (cause I'm crying now as I write this). Thank you for remembering him.

cuthbert1776 - re: your post of 11/20/06 - yes, I do feel as if I am among friends - everyone has been so wonderful. Your point about Joe Satriani is so insightful and so true - his comment was no more or less heartfelt than any of the others that have been left - for me, for Jason, for everyone here who is dealing with personal tragedies - but it's the fact that he took the time to connect on a human level and offer his own condolences - sure he's a "star", a "celebrity", an "artist", whatever title you want to apply but I prefer to think of him as a person who is a very talented guitar player - someone Matthew admired and emulated. He may be in the spotlight but he is, after all, as you said, a kind, caring, decent person who just happens to have a spotlight on him for his gift, which he shares with the world. But he doesn't let it get in the way of his humanity and that makes him all the more extaordinary and special.

michelle - re: your post of 11/20/06 - A beautiful poem - I felt as if it were written just for me. thank you.

Satriella - re: your post of 11/21/06 - Sandy, I was so distressed to hear the news of your Mom's diagnosis and want you to know that if you need to talk, please feel free to write to me (annie_linder@yahoo.com). I was Matthew's caretaker for the entire time of his illness and I learned a lot. And one of the first things I learned was that not every diagnosis has to be dire. I can't know what you're going through but I can empathize and am here to talk if you need. I will keep her and you and your family in my prayers. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

To everyone who's posted to leave words of encouragement and condolence, I'm sorry if I didn't acknowledge each of you individually but please know that your heartfelt concern is deeply appreciated. I'm glad to have found this site, these people, this music. Without Matthew's guidance, I probably never would have - he's still showing me the way.