AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL--SOUTHERN STYLE

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911. You are cleared to land Eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you, Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on Infidel's runway 9R. Allah Be Praised!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711. You are cleared to land Westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you, Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on Infidel's runway 9R. Allah Is Great!"

Pause: Static .................

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead, Saudi Air 911."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!"

All sorts of things

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder?

All the DNA is the same.

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said.

"We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

Even More - All sorts of things

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my young, beautiful, sexy wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy! What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this. I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.

I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico.

I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,

Guitarmiester

That chocolate test was pretty cool.

I like things like that

tulsachops

Some days, I get all sorts of neat things to share.

As long you clean up any mess, if you mess in your shorts.

PlayStation 3 to cost $499, $599

Stevee T

Not much to say?

That about says it all - you nailed it!

Rejected Ideas for Raising President Bush's Approval Ratings

5> New routine for White House press secretary: Answer a question, do a shot.

4> Free gas for a year to anyone who captures or kills Osama bin Laden!

3> Send the Bush twins out on a national oil-wrestling tour. Sponsored by Exxon, of course.

2> Land aboard an even bigger aircraft carrier.

and the Number 1 Rejected Idea for Raising President Bush's Approval Ratings...

davealan

I really like Operation Mind Crime I

Part II - not the same vibe - still like it - but it is not the same.

Sometimes, albums make us think?

cosmic_ape

Everyone is welcome here - just go through the proper procedures

Satriella & 962

A piece of chocolate would hit the spot right now.

A Nice Story

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their line had included senators, pastors, and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history. They hired an author.

Only one problem arose: how to handle Uncle George, who went to the electric chair.

The author said not to worry, he could handle that tactfully.

When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George.

Ethn Hayabusa

Good luck on the job teaching.

Taken From Classified Ads in Newspapers

1) FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

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2) FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

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3) FREE PUPPIES ... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

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4) GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

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5) FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out awhile. Better be >a reward.

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6) COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED . Also 1 gay bull for sale.

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7) NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

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8) GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

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9) NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once.

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10) JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

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(AND THE BEST ONE)]

11) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.

Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer.

No longer needed.

Got married last month.

The Cat in the Hat on aging

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987 . They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


The CD was introduced the year they were born.


They have always had an answering machine


They have always had cable.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.!


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".


McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter


Do you feel old yet?

7 Warnings From Mom That You Needn't Worry About

Threat #1: "You're gonna fall and crack your head open!"

Truth: Your skull can split like an egg, but it would require a severe impact, such as falling into the corner of a coffee table, says Larry L. Alexander, M.D., an emergency-room physician at Baylor Medical Center. "You're much more likely to fracture your skull."

Threat #2: "Wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident!"

Truth: When emergency-room personnel cut the clothes off trauma patients, Dr. Alexander says, it's done so quickly that they never pay attention to whether the underwear is stained, dirty, or full of holes.

Threat #3: "Keep touching yourself, and it'll fall off!"

Truth: There's no evidence that masturbation will cause your staff to revolt. Such exploration is "a normal part of growing up," says Dr. Alexander.

Threat #4: "Someday your face will freeze like that!"

Truth: No matter how far you stretch the corners of your mouth or how deeply into your nostril you plunge your tongue, facial muscles will never become paralyzed as a result.

Threat #5: "Don't go out without a coat or you'll get sick!"

Truth: Colds and flu are not caused by catching a chill or by dejectedly walking home from your girlfriend's in the rain without your rubbers. Nonetheless, this myth persists, largely because most people get sick during winter, when these situations commonly occur. Dr. Alexander suggests that it may even be possible to think yourself ill. If you dread damp feet, your brain may depress your immune system when it happens.

Threat #6: "You'll poke someone's eye out with that!"

Truth: It's impossible to "poke out" an eyeball with a sharp instrument. What you'll probably do is pierce or rupture it. To actually pop an eyeball out, Dr. Alexander says, you "have to get in there with your fingers and pull it out."

Threat #7: "If you break a leg, don't come running to me!"

Truth: It's unlikely that you'd be able to run with a broken leg, but you could still walk. Dr. Alexander has seen people with broken legs walk into the E.R. "It hurts like crazy," he says, "but the muscles spasm and produce enough support to bear weight."

CroNumber9

You are welcome for the jokes.

Glad you enjoyed them.

962

962

I did read about the PS3 - what do you mean Sony is screwing themselves?

By having a very expensive product (which I do agree), or with having it delayed?

Important Scientific Finding

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail and the internet with their hand on the mouse.

Blue_Moon

Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Ninja

5> You disagree with him during a meeting, then return to your desk to find two perfect halves of a monitor.

4> Her title: Assistant Vice-Master of the Six Winds, Accounting Division.

3> He tends to suddenly disappear with a big puff of smoke, even when the cafeteria isn't serving burritos.

2> Professional look: black body stocking with matching hood. Business casual: black body stocking with matching hood. Casual Friday: black body stocking with matching hood and an all-black Hawaiian shirt thrown on top.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Co-Worker Is a Ninja...

1> You've never seen anyone impaled with a pointy water-cooler cup before.

I received this one today . . .

Rumination of the Day

I ran out of soap in the shower this morning, so I washed myself with shampoo.

A LIFE AND DEATH DECISION

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were discussing life and death.

I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

The Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit andenquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.

You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settled for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair & Jesus had long hair.