The Top Slogans for Nudist Resorts

5> What goes on in Vegas, comes *off* here.

4> Now open to the pubic!

3> Nudists: the other red meat.

2> Where the fun starts at the crack of... YOU!

and the Number 1 Slogan for Nudist Resorts...

Possible Titles for the Next Indiana Jones Movie

5> Indiana Jones and the Early Bird Special -- of DOOM!

4> Indiana Jones and the Porcelain Throne

3> Indiana Jones and the Neighborhood Terrorcyclist Nazis Who WON'T STAY OUT OF MY GODDAMN TULIP BEDS!!

2> Indiana Jones and the Titanium Hip

and the Number 1 Possible Title for the Next Indiana Jones Movie...

1> Indiana Jones and the Temple of Prunes

My very first day on the job, the boss asked me to make a fresh pot of coffee.

Of course, I walked right out the door.

WAS HE A MAD SCIENTIST OR JUST A BAD SCIENTIST?

A scientist spent years working with genetics. Eventually, he was able to clone himself. There was just one problem: The clone was very rude.

He became increasingly annoyed by the clone.

One day, he lost his temper and pushed the clone out of the laboratory window.

Poor Donald

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

AMERICANS !!

Eddie Van Halen's son is the new VH bassist

G4TV is reporting that long-dormant classic rock band Van Halen is planning to tour in summer 2007--but without founding bassist Michael Anthony, and with a lead singer to be determined.

G4 reports that guitarist Eddie Van Halen's spokesperson, Janie Liszewski, has confirmed rumors that Anthony will be replaced in the band lineup by Eddie's 15-year-old son, Wolfgang.

"Yes, I can confirm this story in the respect of Wolfgang being the new bass player for the band and, yes, he has been in the studio with his dad and uncle rehearsing and writing for an upcoming summer 2007 tour," Liszewski told G4's entertainment news show, TheFeed. "Wolfgang most certainly has inherited the Van Halen musical-genius gene. At 15 years of age his knowledge, understanding, skill, and command of multiple instruments is impressive."

Genesis To Reunite for 2007 European Summer Trek

Genesis have officially announced plans for a reunion tour of Europe that's scheduled to run from a June 11 show in Helsinki, Finland, through a July 14 concert in Rome.

As expected, the band's lineup will feature singer-drummer Phil Collins, guitarist Mike Rutherford and keyboardist Tony Banks.

Two of the group's longtime backing musicians, drummer Chester Thompson and guitarist Daryl Stuermer, also will participate.

aussieRGman

I am so, so sorry to hear the news. My deepest sympathies.

I found this at work today.



NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code -You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. - If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. - If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Pay: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days : Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave : This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks : Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break : Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

JS_JS

Strong Leonid Meteor Shower Expected This Weekend

from SPACE.com

The annual Leonid meteor shower could produce a strong outburst this weekend for residents of the North America and Western Europe.

A brief surge of activity is expected begin around 11:45 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 18. In Europe, that corresponds to early Sunday morning, Nov. 19 at 4:45 GMT. The outburst could last up to two hours.

At the peak, people in these favorable locations could see up to 150 shooting stars per hour, or more than two per minute.

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.

ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America .do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Better Titles for O.J. Simpson's New Book

5> The Devil Wears Magli

4> Presumed Idiot

3> Criminal Snicker's A Series of Fortunate Events

2> O.J. and a Couple of Slices: You're Toast!

and the Number 1 Better Title for O.J. Simpson's New Book...

Random Thought

People compliment me on my tan, but what they don't realize is it's actually a tattoo!

U.S. Mint to unveil presidential coins

WASHINGTON - Can George Washington and Thomas Jefferson succeed where Susan B. Anthony and Sacajawea failed? The U.S. Mint is hoping America's presidents will win acceptance, finally, for the maligned dollar coin.

The public will get the chance to decide starting in February when the first of the new coins, bearing the image of the first president, is introduced.

Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison are scheduled to grace the coin in 2007, with a different president appearing every three months.

The series will honor four different presidents per year, in the order they served in office. Each president will appear on only one coin, except for Grover Cleveland, who will be on two because he was the only president to serve nonconsecutive terms. To be depicted on a coin, a president must have been dead for at least two years.

The idea of rotating designs borrows from the highly successful 50-state quarter program. Since its launch in 1999, this program has featured five state designs each year in the order the state joined the union.

The quarter program has been widely successful, introducing millions of people to coin collecting for the first time. The Mint hopes the presidential program will enjoy similar success, in part because of the bold designs on the new coins.

Those designs were being made public during a ceremony Monday at the Smithsonian Institution's National Portrait Gallery, home of some of the famous paintings that served as models for the coins.

Copies of the designs were made available to The Associated Press in advance.

"These designs are beautiful and so eye-catching that a lot of Americans are going to do a double take when they get them in their change the first time," Edmund C. Moy, the director of the Mint, said in an AP interview.

The coins will be the same size as the Sacagawea dollar — a little larger than a quarter — and the same golden color as the Sacagawea. The image of the president will be on one side and the Statue of Liberty on the other.

The images will be slightly larger than those on a quarter because space was freed up by moving some of the traditional wording such as "In God We Trust" to the edge of the coin. Edge lettering has not been tried on an American coin since 1933.

Will all this be enough to make the presidential dollars a success where the Susan B. Anthony, introduced in 1979, and the Sacagawea, introduced in 2000, have been flops, at least in terms of gaining acceptance as circulating coins.

Moy is optimistic, saying a number of things have changed since the Sacagawea launch six years ago. Rising prices mean it takes more quarters to feed the parking meter and vending machines. People might now be more willing to carry the dollar coin to replace four quarters.

Moy said the Mint also will do a better job of coordinating with the Federal Reserve to make sure that commercial banks quickly get their orders for the new dollars filled.

"We are geared up to make hundreds of millions of these coins depending on what the demand is," Moy said.

Rep. Michael Castle (news, bio, voting record), R-Del., a prime mover in Congress for both the 50-state quarter legislation and the presidential coins, said he believed the new dollars would have a good chance for success.

While the government would save about $500 million annually in printing costs if it got rid of the dollar bill in favor of more durable coins, Castle said there are no plans to follow the lead of Canada and several European countries in ditching the smaller currencies.

cuthbert1776

It was a short rant, wasn't it.

Sorry if this is a repeat - still funny

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his 'phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

The operator says, 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

O.J. Simpson book, TV special canceled

NEW YORK - After a firestorm of criticism, News. Corp. said Monday that it has canceled the O.J. Simpson book and TV special "If I Did It."

"I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project," said Rupert Murdoch, News Corp. chairman. "We are sorry for any pain that this has caused the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson."

Michael Richards (Kramer on Seinfield) racial tirade draws castigation

LOS ANGELES - A barrage of racial epithets unleashed by former "Seinfeld" star Michael Richards during a stand-up comedy routine drew condemnation from Richards' industry colleagues.

Comedian Paul Rodriguez, who was at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood on Friday when Richards responded to two black hecklers with the "n" word and profanities, said he was shocked by Richards' remarks.

"Once the word comes out of your mouth and you don't happen to be African-American, then you have a whole lot of explaining," Rodriguez told CNN. "Freedom of speech has its limitations and I think Michael Richards found those limitations."

Jerry Seinfeld issued a statement saying he was "sick over this."

"I'm sure Michael is also sick over this horrible, horrible mistake. It is so extremely offensive. I feel terrible for all the people who have been hurt," Seinfeld said of Richards, 57, who played eccentric Kramer on the hit 1989-98 sitcom and whose major credit since was the failed 2000 comedy series, "The Michael Richards Show."

Calls to Richards' representatives were not returned Monday.

His Laugh Factory tirade began after the two clubgoers shouted at him that he wasn't funny. A videotape of the incident was posted on TMZ.com.

Richards retorted: "Shut up! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f------ fork up your a--."

He then paced across the stage taunting the men for interrupting his show, peppering his speech with racial slurs and profanities.

"You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now mother------. Throw his a-- out. He's a n-----!" Richards shouts before repeating the racial epithet over and over again.

Moderating his tone at one point, Richards tells the audience: "It shocks you. It shocks you" and refers to "what lays buried."

While there is some chuckling in the audience throughout the outburst, someone can be heard gasping "Oh my God" and people respond with "ooh" after Richards uses the n-word.

Eventually someone calls out: "It's not funny. That's why you're a reject, never had no shows, never had no movies. `Seinfeld,' that's it."