Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but, it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

The reason why you can't send a woman to a hardware store

Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money", Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

THE CHICAGO SHOW WAS GREAT

I decided against buying any of the special packages. General admission was just fine. I ended up about 6 people back - right in front of Joe.

PG was very good - even though the headphones were a little different.

JP was very very good.

JS - was the show - the reason I came, again.

The set list was the same as was posted here previously - no need to re-type it again.

The base/drums during JP were very loud/deep. Felt every beat in my chest, throat, everywhere - very powerful.

It was my first G3 concert in person - I was very entertained. During the G3 portion of the show - it looked liked the guys were having a very good time - enjoying themselves and the music.

Crowd was good sized - did not appear to be a sell out - but it was very full.

The sound / accoustics were good at the Congress Theater - only problem - PARKING - there is NO parking.

Zincmaster

BigBunny

The concert was a blast.

I think PG wears headphones as his monitor - he can hear what is being played more clearly.

michelle

That makes a lot of sense (the headphones on Paul Gilbert). When he did remove them for a moment, it was only on his right side - probably his good ear.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

ONLY IN AMERICA

Only in America.do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front!

Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke!

Only in America.do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters!

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and! put our useless junk in the garage!

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'!

EVER WONDER....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Warning - Jury Duty Scam

Please pass this on to everyone in your email address book. It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call.

Most of us take the summons for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of scam has surfaced. Fall for it and your identity could be stolen, reports CBS.

In this con, someone calls pretending to be a court official who threateningly says a warrant has been issued for your arrest because you didn't show up for jury duty. The caller claims to be a jury coordinator.

If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Sometimes they even ask for credit card numbers.

Give out any of this information and .... Bingo! Your identity has just been stolen.

The scam has been reported so far in 11 states. This scam is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they're with the court system.

The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.

Pass this on.

Post Office unveils Star Wars stamp set

WASHINGTON - Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi will do battle one more time — and the emperor, Han Solo, Princess Leia and others will join in the struggle. A set of 15 stamps commemorating the Star Wars movies will be released in May, the Postal Service said Wednesday.

And people will get to vote on their favorite from the set, which will be reissued in late summer or early fall as a single stamp, said David Failor, director of stamp services at the post office.

"We're hoping that it really grabs a lot of attention. There are certainly a lot of Star Wars fans out there," Failor said in a telephone interview.

The 41-cent stamps will be released May 25. The price of sending a letter goes up to that rate on May 14.

Failor said issuing a Star Wars stamp had been considered previously in the "Celebrate the Century" stamp series, and the advisory committee that selects stamp subjects recently decided to revive the idea for the 30th anniversary of the release of the first Star Wars film.

The Patient

Larry, a male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

Wouldn't it be fun to use one of these "Out of Office" email Replies?

1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall. Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an appropriate response to your request.

2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return on April 1st. Please be patient and your Mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. I've run away to join a different circus.

The Husband Store & New Wives store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman can go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the husband store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - these men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

"Oh mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" She goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kid s, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the husband store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Women Drivers

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I dropped

My electric shaver ,

Which knocked

The donut

Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car

Using my knees against The steering wheel,

It knocked

My cell phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs,

Splashed,

And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an Important call.

Damn women drivers!!

Tkdguy73

Glad you enjoyed them.

Chicago Cubs For Sale

CHICAGO - Tribune Co. said Monday it plans to sell the Chicago Cubs at the end of the 2007 baseball season, putting one of its most valuable assets on the block as it simultaneously announced that real estate magnate Sam Zell was acquiring the media conglomerate.

Don't Tease Old Ladies

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Question

Does anybody have/use a

Palm Treo 750

Is it good, bad, worth it, crap, ect.

Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.

POISON ANNOUNCES NEW STUDIO ALBUM, POISON'D!, TO BE RELEASED JUNE 5

the new studio album from POISON, arrives in stores June 5, 2007! Produced by Don Was, Poison'd features Poison's hot new versions of their favorite rock classics, originally recorded by David Bowie, The Rolling Stones, The Cars, Sweet, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers and many more!

Double CD and Double DVD Featuring the Full Theatrical Performance of Operation: mindcrime I and II Are Both Available From Rhino June 26.

Queensr˙che brought the group's acclaimed Operation: mindcrime albums to the stage last year performing the original and its 2006 sequel in their entirety during the group's successful North American tour.

The marathon shows included a full theatrical production complete with surround sound, video imagery and actors portraying the concept albums' characters onstage with the band. Rhino captures Queensr˙che's epic performance in front of the quintet's hometown crowd at the Moore Theater in Seattle with Mindcrime At The Moore.

The double CD ($24.98) and double DVD ($29.99) versions will both be available June 26 at all physical retail outlets and www.rhino.com.

Daddariosoul

I liked Mindcrime I a lot more than II.

II has a few good songs - probably better live. I saw Mindcrime I performed live - good show.

satch4

You may want to send a note to the Webmaster about you not receiving your prizes.

Make sure you mention Webmaster in your post.

Hrh Fish

Good to see your name pop up here again.

Alexandre