101 Reasons Women Prefer Cucumbers To Men

Part 1 of 2

1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.

2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.

4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.

5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.

6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.

7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.

8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.

9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.

10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.

12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat.

13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.

14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.

15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.

16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".

17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.

18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.

19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.

20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.

21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.

22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.

23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.

24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.

25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.

26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.

27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake hands and be friends.

28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab".

29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.

30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.

31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist.

32. ...take you to confession.

33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.

34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.

35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.

36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.

37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.

38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.

39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.

40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.

41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.

42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.

43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.

44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.

45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.

46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.

47. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.

48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.

49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.

50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.

101 Reasons Women Prefer Cucumbers To Men

Part 2

52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.

53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?"

54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.

55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.

56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.

57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.

58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one.

59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.

60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.

61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.

62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.

63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.

64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.

65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.

66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.

67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.

68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.

69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.

70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.

71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.

72. A cucumber will never leave you ... ...for another woman.

73. ...for another man.

74. ...for another cucumber.

75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman.

76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.

77. You always know where a cucumber has been.

78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".

79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.

80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.

81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.

82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... ...is married.

83. ...is on penicillin.

84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.

85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.

86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.

87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.

88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.

89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.

90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.

91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.

92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.

93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.

94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.

95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.

96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.

97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".

98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.

99. It's easy to drop a cucumber.

100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.

101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.

NASHVILLE (Billboard) - Van Halen will announce a 50-date American reunion tour with original singer David Lee Roth during a news conference in Hollywood next week, sources said.

The arena trek will begin in early October.

Roth, who split from the rock group in the mid-1980s in hopes of solo stardom, will reunite with co-founders Eddie Van Halen on guitar and brother Alex Van Halen on drums. Eddie's teenage son Wolfgang will sub for Michael Anthony on bass.

A proposed summer amphitheater tour by the group never got off the ground, with Eddie Van Halen entering a rehabilitation facility for undisclosed reasons in March.

In the months since, the guitarist has been seen publicly looking healthy and fit.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man: "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ..........

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. "

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests!!!!!!!

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

THE THIEF

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" (meaning - repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

I can't make this stuff up . . .

Russian woman sets fire to ex-husband's penis

MOSCOW (Reuters) - A woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said on Wednesday.

Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was "difficult to predict".

The attack climaxed three years of acrimonious enforced co-habitation. The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat, something common in Russia where property costs are very high.

Woman rejects ballpark marriage proposal

You know things are wrong in Astro-land when even a wedding proposal can't go off smoothly.

During Monday night's 7-0 loss to the Nationals at Minute Maid Park, a fan failed in his public attempt at asking his girlfriend to marry him, the Houston Chronicle reported on its Web site.

With the couple on display on the stadium's jumbotron, the male fan got down on one knee to present the ring. The woman, wearing a replica Astros jersey, appeared to dump a bag of popcorn on the man before hastily making her way up the stairs amid a chorus of boos, the newspaper reported.

The man left after the top of the sixth inning, cheered and consoled by an apparently sympathetic crowd.

"If it was an act, she put on a good one," Astros manager Phil Garner was quoted as saying after the game. "She looked totally surprised and then totally mad. We couldn't even get a proposal right down here tonight.

Finally checked my mail.

Received my autographed SWTA CD cover yesterday !!

The "F" Word

(Correct use of the "F" word) When is @#$% Acceptable?

There have been only twelve times in history when the "F" word was considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

12. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are Sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

11. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

10. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877

9. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938

8. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

7. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

6. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

5. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

4. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

3. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clin ton, 1998

2. "What do you mean there is no @%#*ing key to my ankle bracelet?"

-- Martha Stewart, 2005

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

gruskada

Guaranteed Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself and discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

Hendrix's fiery Monterey concert comes to DVD

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Jimi Hendrix's breakthrough performance at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967, when he transfixed the American rock cognoscenti with a set that climaxed with the immolation of his guitar, will be released on DVD for the first time on October 16.

"The Jimi Hendrix Experience Live At Monterey" (Universal Music) includes incendiary versions of original material such as his first single "Hey Joe" and "Purple Haze," as well as covers of Howlin' Wolf's "Killing Floor" and Bob Dylan's "Like A Rolling Stone."

A soundtrack CD and LP, which will also be released that day, additionally feature the tune "Can You See Me." Director D.A. Pennebaker's crew turned off their cameras during that song and there is not a single frame of footage in the filmmaker's archive, according to John McDermott, the Hendrix expert who oversees the guitarist's catalog.

In addition to the usual audiovisual enhancements, the DVD package boasts a new documentary, "American Landing," featuring previously unseen interviews. Also included are extensive liner notes and rare photos.

An audio version was previously released in 1986 by Polydor Records and producer Alan Douglas as "Jimi Plays Monterey." A companion VHS version featured commentary from John Phillips of the Mamas and Papas, who organized Monterey with Lou Adler. Before that, Reprise Records released festival highlights on "Otis Redding/The Jimi Hendrix Experience" in 1970.

Hendrix, the toast of the London rock scene, was largely unknown to his countrymen when he and his Experience bandmates Noel Redding and Mitch Mitchell, a.k.a. "these two cats," made their U.S. debut in the all-star lineup at Monterey, near San Francisco on June 18, 1967.

According to Phillips, Hendrix almost came to blows backstage with Who principal Pete Townshend because neither wanted to follow the other. After Hendrix lost a coin toss, he jumped up on a chair and vowed to "pull out all the stops and blow everybody away," Phillips recalled in the VHS release.

Kudos to Sirius (satellite radio) for their decision to designate a channel for The Grateful Dead.

The channel will begin on September 7 with a broadcast of their 1974 Hollywood Bowl performance.

A Diary Review: Moving South, 2007

May 30, 2007 :

Just moved to Huntsville , Alabama from Chicago , Illinois . Now, this is a city that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!

I watched the sunset from a park while lying on a blanket.

It was beautiful.

I've finally found my home.

I love it here.

June 14, 2007 :

Really heating up.

Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem.

Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.

I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30, 2007:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.

Lots of cactus and rocks. The yard is a breeze to maintain! No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but

I love living in Huntsville.

July 10, 2007 :

The temperature hasn't been below 100 degrees all week.

How do people get used to this kind of heat?

At least it's kind of windy, but getting used to the heat and

humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15, 2007:

Fell asleep by the pool.

(Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)

Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.

I learned my lesson, though.

Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20, 2007:

Morgan (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left this morning.

By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and

swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000

leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away.

The car now smells like Kibbles and shits.

I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25, 2007:

The wind sucks.

It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!

And it's hot as hell!

The home air-conditioner is on the fritz,

A Diary Review: Moving South, 2007

- the rest -

July 30, 2007:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.

The monthly house payment is $1,500 and we can't even go inside.

Why did I ever come here?

August 4, 2007:

It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today for a cost of $900.

The temperature gets down to 78 degrees,

but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95 degrees.

I hate this stupid city.

August 8, 2007:

If another wise ass person cracks, "Hot enough for

you today?” I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat.

By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes

are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!

August 9, 2007:

Tried to run some errands after work.

Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car.

I thought my ass was on fire.

I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass.

Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

August 10, 2007:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording.

Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny.

It's been too hot to do anything for two damn months,

and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1,700 worth of cactus

just dry up and blow into the damn pool.

Not even cactus can live in this damn heat.

August 14, 2007:

Welcome to HELL!!!

The temperature got to 105 degrees today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car.

The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"

My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Freaking South.

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

A Catholic education

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .

Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

RIP

Mystery illness strikes after meteorite hits Peruvian village

LIMA (AFP) - Villagers in southern Peru were struck by a mysterious illness after a meteorite made a fiery crash to Earth in their area, regional authorities said Monday.

Around midday Saturday, villagers were startled by an explosion and a fireball that many were convinced was an airplane crashing near their remote village, located in the high Andes department of Puno in the Desaguadero region, near the border with Bolivia.

Residents complained of headaches and vomiting brought on by a "strange odor," local health department official Jorge Lopez told Peruvian radio RPP.

Seven policemen who went to check on the reports also became ill and had to be given oxygen before being hospitalized, Lopez said.

Rescue teams and experts were dispatched to the scene, where the meteorite left a 100-foot-wide (30-meter-wide) and 20-foot-deep (six-meter-deep) crater, said local official Marco Limache.

"Star Trek" enlists Saldana in Uhura role

LOS ANGELES (Hollywwod Reporter) - Filmmaker J.J. Abrams is slowly bringing his crew together for the 11th film in the "Star Trek" movie series.

Zoe Saldana is in final negotiations to play Uhura, who is the chief communications officer on the USS Enterprise.

Plot details for the Paramount Pictures film are begin kept under wraps, but it is understood that the movie chronicles the early days of the Enterprise crew. Saldana will join Anton Yelchin as a young Chekov, the Russian-born navigator, as well as Zachary Quinto as a young Spock. Leonard Nimoy, who originated the role of Spock, is on board as well.

On the original TV series and in the movies, Uhura was played by Nichelle Nichols.

The untitled "Star Trek" film is scheduled to open on Christmas Day 2008.

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.