mikesb

I think they were thank you posts to Joe for this great forum.

Well - back to work

Random Things to Think About

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about

seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Maybe,

just maybe

Take Down the Bird Feeder

The analogy is absolutely right on . . ..

Maxine tells it like it is!!!!

I bought a bird feeder. I hung

it on my back porch and filled

it with seed. What a beauty of

a bird feeder it is, as I filled it

lovingly with seed. Within a

week we had hundreds of birds

taking advantage of the

continuous flow of free and

easily accessible food.

But then the birds started

building nests in the boards

of the patio, above the table,

and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was

everywhere: on the patio tile,

the chairs, the table ...

everywhere!

Then some of the birds

turned mean. They would

dive bomb me and try to

peck me even though I had

fed them out of my own

pocket.

And others birds were

boisterous and loud. They

sat on the feeder and

squawked and screamed at

all hours of the day and night

and demanded that I fill it

when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even

sit on my own back porch

anymore. So I took down the

bird feeder and in three days

the birds were gone. I cleaned

up their mess and took down

the many nests they had built

all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like

it used to be.... quiet, serene

and no one demanding their

rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.

Our government gives out

free food, subsidized housing,

free medical care, and free

education and allows anyone

born here to be an automatic

citizen.

Then the illegal came by the

tens of thousands. Suddenly

our taxes went up to pay for

free services; small apartments

are housing 5 families; you

have to wait 6 hours to be seen

by an emergency room doctor;

your child's 2nd grade class is

behind other schools because

over half the class doesn't speak

English.

Corn Flakes now come in a

bilingual box; I have to

"press one" to hear my bank

talk to me in English, and

people waving flags other

than "Old Glory" are

squawking and screaming

in the streets, demanding

more rights and free liberties...

Just my opinion, but maybe

it's time for the government

to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not,

In Memoriam

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things.

Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

Glitz Man

You don't need good luck - just for everyone to get out of your way.

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.

Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing the dog's duties..

'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.

'No,' said another, 'He's just for good luck .'

A third child brought the argument to a close.

Wine or Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. . and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom,

in beer there is freedom,

in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at he end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli , (E coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & eer(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because> alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t.

punkdude75

CONGRATS !!

punkdude75

In case I forgot to tell you, CONGRATS !!

punkdude75

Oh yes, CONGRATS !!

Great News !!

Another generation of Satch fans !!

Do The Stu

Have a lot of time on your hands, huh?

Very entertaining though.

Even though I knew it wasn't true - I read every word.

BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.' --Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. ' --Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' --Grady, 7 years old

''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' --Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny.. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. --Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' --Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' --Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' --Shirley, 7 years old

'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.' --Jack, 7 years

Troubles at Home - And Then The Fight Started

My wife & I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

********************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

*********************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

***********************

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.......

**********************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

********************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.......

***********************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

*************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

Glitzman

Did 2 - 5K races this past weekend - both about 24:00 (very consistent)

Mini is coming up this weekend.

Still running - and kicking everybody's butt ??

Glitz Man

Abbott and Costello - At the Computer Store

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello , and not too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou .

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something ?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

cuthbert1776

Welcome back.

I dropped you an email or 2 a while back - figured the goverment finally tracked you down, since I never heard back.

Check out chickenfoot.us

cuthbert1776

Glad you are still kicking - wasn't sure if they took you to Gitmo or not.

Life has been good - running a lot. Family getting more numerous as well.

We went to a WWII re-enactment over the weekend - got some sun - but not too much (wore a hat and some sun screen). Others didn't plan ahead much - very very pink.

I planted a few things in the garden - more will need to be planted soon - tomatoes, cucumbers, green onions, summer squash. Maybe some peppers, but not sure though.

What did you plant?

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE

Glitz Man

Hey speedy !!

Your Indy times should be online from their website.

UPDATE

I checked online

Your time was 2:14:28

CONGRATS!!

Glitz Man

Wow - sorry man. I did get that goofed up. My bad.

You did really well too !!

My friend finished in 1:28 and something - and was in 471st place - in the top 500!!

Special medal.

Seems like you will be up there next year.

cuthbert1776

That is a big garden - much larger than mine.

cuthbert1776

The new Paul Gilbert & Freddie Nelson release is out.

I found it on iTunes this morning.

It is called United States - will be buying it from iTunes in a few minutes - just finished listening to the 30 second clips - most are pretty good.