Hymn #365

This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

Smile, life is too short not to! If this brightened your day.

Don't let it stop here.

Pass it on with a smile.

minimoog

No twist off wine

GET THE REALLY GOOD WINE.

Grampy Steve

If the first glass of wine is good, whatever comes next really doesn't matter.

I have attended parties, where when you arrive are given a nice glass of wine (top shelf stuff - bottles are out). But when you receive a re-fill, it comes from a carafe.

The carafe is filled from BOX O WINE.

The economy is so bad that:

. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

. I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

. My ATM gave me an IOU!

. I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

. A picture is now only worth 200 words.

. They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

. I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

Hey Do The Stu / Austin !!

Just saw this - and thought you might enjoy it.

MASSIVE GALLERY OF LIVE RUSH PHOTOS PUBLISHED:

Rock photographer Matt Becker of Melodic Rock Concerts traveled to Philadelphia on Wednesday night to capture Rush in action on their Time Machine Tour.

A full gallery of over 50 photos is available at this link: http://www.flickr.com/photos/melodicrockconcerts/sets/72157624565285370/, and the review can be seen at this location: http://melodicrockconcerts.com/2010/07/23/live-review-rush-still-astounds-no-time-machine-required/

New Paul Gilbert is out today.

Listening to the 30 second previews on iTunes now - I think I am going to buy.

It is another all instrumental album.

Another Wasp Spray Use

I know some of you own GUNS but this is something to think about...---

If you don't have a gun, here's a more humane way to wreck someone's evil plans for you. Did you know this? I didn't. I never really thought of it before.

I guess I can get rid of the baseball bat.

Wasp Spray - A friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection.

She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead.

The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray, they have to get too close to you and could overpower you.

The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote.

She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would.

She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.

On the heels of a break in and beating that left an elderly woman in Toledo dead, self defense experts have a tip that could save your life.

Val Glinka teaches self-defense to students at Sylvania Southview High School . For decades, he's suggested putting a can of wasp and hornet spray near your door or bed. Glinka says, "This is better than anything I can teach them."

Glinka considers it inexpensive, easy to find, and more effective than mace or pepper spray.

The cans typically shoot 20 to 30 feet; so if someone tries to break into your home, Glinka says "spray the culprit in the eyes". It's a tip he's given to students for decades.

It's also one he wants everyone to hear. If you're looking for protection, Glinka says look to the spray. "That's going to give you a chance to call the police; maybe get out." Maybe even save a life.

Please share this with all the people who are precious to your life

Did you also know that wasp spray will kill a snake? And a mouse! It will!

Good to know, huh?

tikimon

Very interesting . . . spray the bad guy, then they sue you for blinding them, instead of letting them rob, kill, injure or whatever to you.

LEROY'S PRAYER

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

*

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

*

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

*

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

*

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

*

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

*

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

*

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

*

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

*

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

*

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

*

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

*

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

*

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

*

And the best one for last

*

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

You are welcome - it was a good one.

I was at the grocery store the other day . . .

PEPSI THROWBACK, DR. PEPPER AND MOUNTAIN DEW are BACK !!

They are made with REAL SUGAR - the way I grew up with them.

Just sharing the good news.

I know they are here in the US for now - not sure about around the world.

Peace Lily

A Hard Day at the Law Office - At Home

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on...

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

Received my free download of Joe's new song, Light Years Away.

Awesome song. I hoped the entire album would have downloaded, but for now, 1 is enough.

Great work.

Catholic Code words

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range..

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Who brings an egg to court?

And now the yolk's on him

Egg tossed in court gets Ill. man 90 days in jai

WHEATON, Ill. — Tossing an egg in a suburban Chicago courtroom has gotten one man a 90-day jail sentence.

DuPage County Circuit Court Judge Blanche Fawell handed down the sentence Monday against 40-year-old Agim Demiri, who pleaded guilty in August to damaging state property.

The egg narrowly missed Judge Timothy McJoynt when it was thrown in March. Prosecutors say the mess caused $616.78 in damage.

The Daily Herald in Arlington Heights reports that Demiri also was ordered to pay restitution for the cleanup.

HORRAY

My CD is scheduled to arrive on Friday - YEAAA !!

My CD is out for delivery.

Waiting for UPS to arrive.

UPS just left.

Just finished importing into iTunes.

First song - love it.

Burnt Biscuits

---by anonymous

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then.

I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.

On that evening so long ago, my Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage, and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad.

I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school.

I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits.

I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits."

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned.

He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"

You know, life is full of imperfect things... and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else.

What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

That's my prayer for you today...

That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the difficult parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God because in the end, He's the only one who will be able to give you a relationship where a burned biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!

We could extend this to any relationship.

In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or Friendship!

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket -- keep it in your own."

So... please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burned one will do just fine! And please pass this along to someone who has enriched your life... I just did!

Life is too short to wake up with regrets....

Love the people who treat you right and

Tom Bosley - from Happy Days - passed away today.

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'

The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you.

I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Phydeaux_3