NewsMan

Some are stylistic, others are just wrong and need to be corrected.

Gitarzan16x

JS_JS

guitarded boy

As for getting your guitar signed, I saw 2 people getting theirs signed - they had the Platinum package. They were allowed to have their guitar left at the coat check, and pick it up after the show to be signed.

The Top 5 Least Popular Halloween Treats

5> Fun-sized L. Ron Hubbard tracts

4> Lump of stuck-together Brach's found in candy bowl inherited from Grandma

3> Petrified Easter Marshmallow Peeps

2> Full-sized Snickers wrapped in Bible tracts about how Halloween is the devil's work

and the Number 1 Least Popular Halloween Treat...

Oddities3000

The Most Functional English Word

Well, it's shit... that's right, shit! Shit ! may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider: You can get shit-faced, be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once ! you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........

Deep thoughts!

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a perfect and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--Yee Haw-- What a Ride!"

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

4. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

5. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

6. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

7. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

8. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

9. If electricity comes from electrons, where does morality come from ?

10. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

11. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

12. Stop singing and read on ..

13. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

14. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

15. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

CHICAGO AREA PLATINUM PACKAGE FANS

This has been around before, but always interesting:

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kenned y, was born i! n 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Mr Nick

JustJack

guitarded boy

The Thirsty Taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

The Plows Must Get Through!

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast and again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park---" and right then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Sweetie, why don't you just go ahead and leave it in the garage just this once?"

Just found about Kenny Wayne Shephard - heard him on the radio.

Just checked out his web site - pretty cool riffs.

Can listen to many of his songs on the site and watch his video for Alive.

What does everybody else thing about this guy?

Whether Democrat or Republican I think you'll get a kick out of this

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.

The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"

The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

cuthbert1776 & mikesb

As far as I know, I only just heard him. As of right now, I am not sure about his older songs, I have only heard his newest one and the 3-4 that play on his web site.

I will check the library to see if they have any of his discs there before running out to buy it.

jazzzzzzzy

My Preachyness for the Day

Drug Problem Or Drug Problem

The other day, someone at a store in a small town

read that a methamphetamine lab had been found

in an old farm house in the adjoining county and he

asked me a rhetorical question, "Why didn't we have

a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"

I responded that we did have a drug problem when

we were kids growing up on the farm or in the city.

I had a drug problem when I was young:

I was drug to church on Sunday morning.

I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed

my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report

card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the

teacher or the preacher. Or if I didn't put forth my

best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink if I uttered a profane

four letter word.

(I do know what Lye soap tastes like.)

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and

flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.

I was drug to the homes of Family, Friends, and

neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no

one, to mow the yard, repair the clothesline or chop

some fire wood, and if my mother had ever known

that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness,

she would have drug me back to the wood shed.

Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect

my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They

are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin, and if

today's children had this kind of drug problem,

962

From what I have heard, KWS' music is good. I am weary of buying anything yet.

I want to check it out first - either at the library or at the music store (some let you listen to what you want to, at least clips) before buying one or more.

It is encouraging that others seem to like him.

Do The Stu & 962

You learn something new every day. I absolutely forgot that KWS was connected to G3 - must have been under a rock or something.

Also - did not know that it was not an instrumental record. I found "Trouble Is" at the library - maybe this weekend I will pick it up and take a listen.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single; and I 'm Catholic too!"

"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose were to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven here St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted"