michelle

Just spreading the fun around the world of T2J.

Numbers only count.

If we lived on Pluto, we would all be a lot younger, age wise.

If I remember correctly, and I may not, it takes Pluto 7 earth years to go around the sun. So, if you are 49 in earth years, you would only be 7 on Pluto.

Redneck First-Aid

Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Specialty Burger too fast.

The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we otta hep?"

"Yep," said the second.

The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew speak?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.

Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer:

The monitor is up on blocks

Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them

The six front keys have rotted out

The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them

The numeric keypad only goes up to six

The password is BUBBA

There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU

There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive

The keyboard is camouflaged

And, the best way to tell if a REDNECK has been working on a computer is......

michelle

I do not understand this dog years thing. Do you multiply their human age by a number? If so, what number?

SupaaDave

glad you enjoyed that one.

A man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.

The man rolls over and answered...

"Hello?"

"What?"

"How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."

He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?"

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. " Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

opticalstudio

michelle & Artanis I

7 dog years = 1 human year

Clarky, VFRocker

We received a phone call once, a middle aged lady asking for our son (7ish at the time). Asked what it was regarding - said that they had to talk to him. Advised them that he was only 7 (or so). Said didn't matter - they had to talk to him. We responded, we are his parents - said so what - we have to talk to him. This went back and forth - basically, they did not listen to us. They were looking for a person with the same name, but was 43 years old (maybe if you add 4 and 3 you get 7 - but whatever). Eventually, we got it through to this ladies head that it was the wrong person, and that our 7 year old couldn't have incurred this debt legally. We tried to get to a supervisor - but to no avail.

Same happened to me once - some lady calls me about a doctor debt to a Dr. Smith (name changed) - I said WHO? They re-stated. I said I have no idea who that is - when did I have the service with him - it was at a time when I was in Canada and the doctor was local to me. There are several people with the same name as me - I said i was born in 19XX - what year do your records show that I was born in - oh - 19XX -12 years. Wrong person.

Veteran CBS News Anchor Dan Rather to Resign

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Veteran newsman Dan Rather, embroiled in a recent journalism scandal about President Bush (news - web sites)'s service in the National Guard during the Vietnam War, will resign in March as the CBS network's top news anchor, the network said on Tuesday.

CBS, a unit of Viacom, said Rather will remain as a correspondent for the news magazine show "60 Minutes" and other assignments.

"I have decided to leave the CBS Evening News on March 9, 2005," Rather said in a statement issued by CBS.

"I have been lucky and blessed over these years to have what is, to me, the best job in the world and to have it at CBS News," he added.

Rather said he began talks in the summer with his bosses about when would be an appropriate time to step down and decided to wait until after the recent election, which saw Bush elected for a second term.

Rather has been anchor for CBS's main evening news show since 1981 and won the hearts of many with his colorful language and quirky turns of phrase. He succeeded Walter Cronkite, dubbed "the most trusted man in America" for his perceived objectivity.

But in an enormous blow to its credibility, CBS News in September said it had been deliberately misled over the authenticity of documents it aired in a story challenging Bush's military service.

"Based on what we now know, CBS News cannot prove that the documents are authentic, which is the only acceptable journalistic standard to justify using them in a report," CBS News said in a statement at that time.

who is next?

does Mcdonald's cause cancer?

McDonald's CEO Resigns for Health Reasons

jazzzzzzzy

The Top 20 Homeland Security Measures Adopted for the Holiday Season

20> Anti-reindeer missiles sit poised and ready on the White House lawn.

19> In honor of our Saviour, all Middle-Eastern looking guys with beards are detained indefinitely.

18> Macaulay Culkin is put in charge of the Department of Homeland Security -- at least until his parents come home.

17> "Racial Profiling for Dummies" hits bookstores in time for Christmas.

16> Mandatory cavity search upon arrival at or departure from every household in North America means Santa can't sit down for a week.

15> New DoD memo states: "Muslims held in Guantanamo will be allowed to fast for Ramadan. This is completely different from the regular starvation diet they are accustomed to, so be sure to point out the difference to any troublemakers."

14> Fruitcake is officially declared a WMD.

13> The day after Thanksgiving, the phrase "Freeze, turkey!" is heard more frequently at airports than in kitchens.

12> White House fireplaces kept burning to prevent chimney invasions by religious fanatics. (Religious fanatics with campaign contributions still welcome.)

11> Tim Allen is sent to Abu Ghraib, lest he start work on yet another Christmas movie.

10> Making its first appearance at Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is the Osama bin Laden float. He is sporting a giant "Have you seen this man?" sign and seems to be giving America the finger.

9> Continental U.S. is declared a no-fly zone on Christmas Eve, except for the bin Laden family.

8> Rather than issuing the traditional pardon, President Bush designates his Thanksgiving turkey an enemy combatant and orders it held without trial.

7> Standard-issue Abu Ghraib anal probes now decorated as festive candy canes.

6> A certain bearded foreigner is caught flying through restricted airspace on Christmas Eve and sent to Guantanamo without a trial. Meanwhile, Halliburton gets the no-bid gift-delivery contract.

5> All strip searches at airports will now be conducted under the mistletoe!

4> When Dick Cheney is standing before the nation warning of impending doom, unrelenting violence and the imminent death of millions of innocent Americans based on info that may or may not be true, this time he'll be wearing a Santa hat and elf shoe

3> Newly added threat-level alert colors: gold, myrrh, eggnog and nutmeg.

2> Every child frisked and strip-searched by the FBI before being allowed to sit on Santa's lap. Volunteer agents Jeffrey Jones and Michael Jackson are on the case!

and the Number 1 Homeland Security Measure Adopted for the Holiday Season...

Ahh - post number 666 (is this a sign or what)

Notes From Home to School

MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.

DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

PLEASE EXCUSE SHERIKA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SHITS. [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT].

PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.

I KEPT VENITIA HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.

MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.

PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR

Motley Crue News

For those who care . . .

Motley may be touring next year.

On Q101 today (Chicago) - it was reported that there would a Motley Crue concert on March 8, 2005 at the Allstate Arena - they would sponsor the concert.

opticalstudio

Glad you enjoyed them.

TO ALL

Before I forget . . .

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Enjoy the long, hopefully well deserved break.

I am in NW Indiana - we have rain with SNOW mixed in

mikesb

Andy Timmons is ok - haven't listened to much of his stuff though.

Van Halen - EVH

What is going on with them now? I heard that at the end of their tour (few days ago) EVH slammed and broke one of his guitars on stage (he does not do that) and for a bit seemed real pissed.

Sammy is unsure what is going on next and said that his Cabo Wabo is a point of contention.

Apparently - on the VAn Halen News Desk site - Eddie was thinking of doing a solo record . .

What's up with famous people and their children's names . . . .

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners are...

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

The letter to the bank, shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96-year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to request to have it published in the New York Times.

---------------------

Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?