Plumber takes a leak, doesn't fix it

LONDON (Reuters) - A plumber was fined and given a community service order on Tuesday after being captured on hidden cameras urinating into a vase in a customer's attic and pouring the contents into the central heating system.

Roy Williams, 47, was caught in the act by trading standards officers who had rented the house in Leatherhead and rigged it with cameras as part of a sting operation to check on tradesmen.

The plumber had been called out to fix a simple fault but instead missed this and charged 203 pounds for unnecessary work, Steve Playle of Surrey trading standards told Reuters.

Williams then urinated into a vase, poured the urine into the hot water tank and rinsed the vase in the cold water tank.

The plumber denied the charges, claiming he had a medical condition which meant he needed the toilet regularly and had been overcome by the sound of running water.

Amorous couple spark rescue drama

LONDON (Reuters) - A couple who headed out to sea in a dinghy for an amorous liaison sparked a major rescue operation when their cries of passion were mistaken for someone in trouble, police said on Tuesday.

A passer-by raised the alarm after hearing strange noises coming from the waters near a beach in Torbay on Saturday morning, prompting the coastguard to send lifeboats and police to the scene.

"It was found that there was a partially-clothed couple in a small rubber dingy that were brought ashore and asked to put their clothes back on," a spokesman for Devon and Cornwall police told Reuters.

Darth Does DVD

Revenge is sweet on DVD.

The much heralded final installment in George Lucas' epic Star Wars saga, Star Wars: Episode III--Revenge of the Sith, will be released on DVD galaxy-wide Nov. 1, Lucasfilm and 20th century Fox Home Entertainment jointly announced Tuesday.

The release, timed for the holiday shopping onslaught, will likely be one of the year's top sellers. Not only is Revenge of the Sith the biggest moneymaker of 2005, setting box office records and generating $784 million and counting in worldwide ticket sales, it also means that all six Star Wars films will be available on DVD for the first time.

The DVD will be released as a two-disc set augmented by a feature-length making-of documentary, two new featurettes (one of exploring Anakin Skywalker as the prophesized "Chosen One" and the other providing a behind-the-scenes glimpse of the movie's stunts) and the 15-part collection of Lucasfilm's Webisodes on the film.

"From the beginning of the production, George wanted to be sure we chronicled everything that went into the making of Episode III specifically to create an incredible DVD experience," says Jim Ward, vice president of marketing and distribution for Lucasfilm. "This DVD has literally been three years in the making and it's going to be a fantastic way to complete the Star Wars saga at home."

There was no immediate word on whether Lucas would do a full-length commentary, as he has done for previous DVD releases. Lucasfilm says it will release further details at a later date.

The previous two prequels, Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace and Star Wars: Episode II--Attack of the Clones, included commentary from Lucas, as well as producer Rick McCallum, editor Ben Burtt and special effects whizzes like Dennis Murren and John Knoll. Both also contained deleted scenes, trailers and TV spots, photo galleries and theatrical posters.

And, in a synergistic show of force, the DVD will drop the same day LucasArts unleashes its latest movie-based videogame, Star Wars Battlefront II on the Playstation 2, Xbox, Windows and PSP platforms. The game allows fans to play out key fight sequences from all six Star Wars films. To tie in the game and DVD releases, Revenge of the Sith will offer consumers access to a special Xbox playable demo of two entire levels from Batllefront II featuring never-before-seen environments taken from Sith.

"The combination of Revenge of the Sith on DVD and Star Wars Battlefront II makes Nov. 1 a watershed day for Star Wars fans. It's really going to be a terrific celebration of the entire saga," says Ward, who also serves as president of LucasArts.

This isn't the first time both a Star Wars DVD and videogame have made the jump to stores in tandem.

Last September, Lucasfilm issued a four-disc DVD box set of the original Star Wars trilogy (with some minor, if controversial modifications) at the same time it put out the first Star Wars Battlefront game.

Rolling Stones set to make 'Bigger Bang' with album & tour

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Mick Jagger is celebrating his 62nd birthday Tuesday with "A Bigger Bang."

The Rolling Stones announced that their upcoming tour and album will bear the alliterative title, which they came up with last year, "reflecting their fascination with the scientific theory about the origin of the universe," according to a statement.

"A Bigger Bang" will be released in the United States on Sept. 6 via Virgin Records, and a day earlier internationally. The North American leg of their trek, which had provisionally been dubbed the "Onstage" tour, begins on Aug. 21 at Boston's Fenway Park.

Next year, the band will play Mexico, South America, the Far East, New Zealand, Australia, and will reach Europe in the summer. No dates have been announced yet.

The album marks the band's first since 1997's "Bridges to Babylon," ending the longest recording break of their 43-year career. It boasts 16 tracks, two less then their expansive 1972 tour de force "Exile on Main Street."

Choices we make Part I of II

What would you do ?

You make the choice Don't look for a punch line. There isn't one. Read it anyway. My question to all of you is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question.

"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the

natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.

Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"

Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play.

The boy looked around for guidance and, getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning.. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield.

Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

Part II

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher took the ball and turned and threw the ball on a high arc to right field, far beyond the reach of the first baseman.

Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"

Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"

By the time Shay rounded first base, the right fielder had the ball.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled

the bases toward home.

Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay, run home!"

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit

the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world."

AND, NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people think twice about sharing.

The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people on your address list that aren't the

"appropriate" ones to receive this type of message.

Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help

realize the "natural order of things."

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a

choice:

The Divorce

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He then pushes his luck.

"I want the house," he says insistently.

The car's now up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies -- in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need." She says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

Thank You

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past few years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern... I no longer drink Starbucks as they don't support our troops. I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogen they contain will turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

And I no longer sit down on any restaurant toilet seats because the infamous butt spider could be nesting there and send me to a certain death with one sting. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Jeeze, the BIBLE didn't mention it works that way!)<

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program

962

Top 17 Bumper Stickers that everyone wants to see !

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called ... they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory

...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath..You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...

I call these people:

"Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this..I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See:

What did the baby corn say to the mommy corn?

Where's popcorn?!

STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER "T".

EXAMPLES OF THOSE DAYS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

TUESDAY

THUNDAY

A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:

5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER

12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME

WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?

NUDITY

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRLFRIEND AND A WIFE?

ABOUT 45 LBS.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?

ABOUT 45 MINUTES

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?

A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.

WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?

ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT.........

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE?

A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS "ONCE UPON A TIME...." AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS.......... "Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SHIT."

Redhead Babies

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy?

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

Free Sammy Hagar Concerts Coming?

Sammy Hagar hopes that in the near future he won't have to charge for a concert ticket again. Hagar told The Zone that his other ventures, like Cabo Wabo tequila and his Cabo Wabo Cantina clubs, are making enough money to subsidize his live dates. He plans to pass that benefit on to the fans: "I'm getting real close to being able to go out and perform, big concerts with huge production, for free. That's what I'm trying to get to. It's a year or two early from being able to do it for free, assuming the company keeps growing the way it is."

Hagar's The Tequila Made Me Do It Tour kicks off this Saturday in Independence Township, Michigan. Besides music from Hagar with both the Waboritas and Montrose, the shows will also feature a parking lot tailgate party with beach volleyball, auto shows, a "Sammy-oke" karaoke stage, Mariachi bands, and photo ops with donkeys wearing sombreros.

New Queensr˙che

Queensr˙che recently signed a new deal with Rhino Records, and according to a statement on the band's website, the label will release the band's next album, Operation: Mindcrime II early next year. As we previously told you, the album is a sequel to Queensryche's classic 1988 album Operation: Mindcrime. The site notes that guitarists Michael Wilton and Mike Stone are currently laying down guitar tracks, and the vocals will be recorded soon. So far, 18 songs have been completed, but it's unclear at this point if all will make it on to the album.

Queensr˙che recently finished touring with Judas Priest and as we recently told you, they'll perform on the VH1 Classic special All Roads Lead To Sturgis '05, a biker rally and concert airing over Labor Day.

In the Beginning

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history.

UNLOCK YOUR CAR....

Another way to Unlock Your Car

I can't believe it, but this works -- who'd a thought it??? Have you locked the keys in the car?

If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are home, call someone at home on your cell phone and ask them to get your car keys.

Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the other person at home press the unlock button on your keys while holding it near the phone on their end.

Your car will unlock. It will save someone from having to drive your keys to you.

Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk this way!)

New Sex Study...

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

ABC News Anchor Peter Jennings Dies at 67

NEW YORK - Peter Jennings, the urbane, Canadian-born broadcaster who delivered the news to Americans each night in five separate decades, died Sunday. He was 67.

Jennings, who announced in April that he had lung cancer, died at his New York home, ABC News President David Westin said late Sunday.

Complete Hendrix Woodstock set heads to DVD

NEW YORK (Billboard) - Jimi Hendrix's closing performance at Woodstock on Aug. 18, 1969, is arguably one of the most iconic moments in rock history, but it has never been commercially available in its entirety.

That will change on Sept. 13, when Universal Music and Experience Hendrix release the DVD "Jimi Hendrix -- Live at Woodstock." The project comes out a day earlier in the U.K.

The double-disc set captures one of Hendrix's only performances with an extended backing band, dubbed Gypsy Sun And Rainbows. Longtime Hendrix engineer Eddie Kramer supervised a new audio mix in both 5.1 and 2.0 stereo sound. Bonus features include "The Road to Woodstock" documentary, a contemporaneous press conference and "A Second Look," which blends black-and-white video footage with color clips from alternate angles.

More than 35 years later, Woodstock is still a high point for Gypsy Sun And Rainbows (and later, Band Of Gypsys) bassist Billy Cox. "We had a house in Woodstock for maybe 30 days, and then the Woodstock Festival finally came up," he told Billboard.com. "We worked, practiced and rehearsed very diligently for that. And the day finally came when we (played), and it was kind of a relief off our minds. We really did it as a group -- we were on stage for close to two hours."

Although many feel Woodstock marked the end of the 1960s counterculture movement, Cox said the festival vibe was "great. We went and played with the attitude of, 'Look at all those people, everybody's doing something different.' It's like watching television; we'll go with the vibe. So the energy from them came to us, and we threw it right back at them."

The performance crystallized a new period of musical exploration for Hendrix. "In the earlier times, when he was with Noel (Redding) and Mitch (Mitchell), the songs were very simple," Cox said. "The simplicity of the 'Foxey Lady's' and the 'Purple Haze's' now went into some pretty intricate things, like 'Jam Back at the House' and then later the 'Freedom's', the 'Dolly Dagger's,' and 'In from the Storm.' And you don't have the time to do a lot of pyrotechnics; you've got to play."

While the set list contained both favorites from the Jimi Hendrix Experience ("Purple Haze," "Foxey Lady," "Spanish Castle Magic") and then-unheard compositions ("Message to Love," "Jam Back at the House," "Izabella"), it was the guitarist's surprise rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner" that became synonymous with the original Woodstock.

While out shopping last week, I found at a FYE store - a copy of Satriani's Reel Satriani - for only 1.99 - on the discount VHS table.

What a great video - thanks Satch - Reely enjoyed watching it several times this weekend.