marimariSRV

The Doors

The Ozzman Goeth

mikesb

Not many jokes lately - more music / wierd news coming my way of late.

Motley Crue Drummer Lee Goes to College

LOS ANGELES - Of all the classes Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee takes at the University of Nebraska, Lincoln, the subject he connects with the most is ... botany?

Lee said he must have been "a tree or something in a past life." He said call him "kooky" but he's "always been attracted to nature."

If there was one part of college life you thought he would ace, it would be drumline, right? Well, it wasn't that easy. Lee said he was waiting on the football field before dawn one morning to audition when they put a bunch of sheet music in front of him. One problem: He hasn't read music since high school. Not wanting to be embarrassed, he re-taught himself.

And, chemistry? Uh-uh. So, he gets an attractive tutor for that class.

death cube k

cuthbert1776

Devil dog?

VFRrocker5

Rejected Star Wars Marketing Tie-ins

5> Tampex Tampons, now with starfighter X-wings and lightsabre applicator

4> Volkswagon's "Return of the Jetta"

3> "Ewok on a Stick" toilet brushes

2> Darth Vibrader

and the Number 1 Rejected Star Wars Marketing Tie-in...

Van Halen Book

Computers help tech-savvy counterfeiters cash in

USA TODAY - WASHINGTON — The popularity and affordability of home computers have revolutionized one of the nation's oldest crimes: counterfeiting. Thanks to advances in digital copying technology, desktop computers and color printers now produce about 97% of today's fake $5, $10 and $20 bills, says Jonathan Cherry, a U.S. Secret Service spokesman. About 80% of counterfeit $50 bills are made with home computers.

That's a significant jump since 2003, when 46% of all counterfeit money passed in the USA was made with digital technology, according to the Secret Service.

Many phony bills being churned out come from inexpensive inkjet printers and scanners available at bargain electronics stores.

Once the province of criminals who fancied themselves artists, today's counterfeiters are often young people with computers looking to make enough fake money to fund a weekend of fun. Others are petty crooks and drug dealers.

Last year, the Secret Service estimates, $43.4 million in counterfeit money was passed in the USA. There is $700 billion in genuine U.S. currency worldwide.

Technology that can create sharper, more realistic fakes has led to the U.S. government's recent redesigns of the $20 and $50 bills.

"Fifteen years ago, it was much harder," says Dale Pupillo, deputy special agent in charge of the Secret Service's criminal investigation division. "You had to use off-set printers, and you had to mix the ink. ... With the computer inkjet printer and tabletop color printers, for a couple hundred dollars' investment, you can just print what you need."

The trend alarmed the Federal Reserve Board so much that it now uses a Counterfeit Deterrence System, an anti-counterfeiting technology not unlike a virtual watchdog that barks if you try to print money.

The system is used by some of the world's largest computer copier and software companies, such as the makers of Adobe Photoshop, to block people from scanning or printing money.

The products detect a code built into colors that have been added to $20 and $50 bills. If a printer or scanner detects the color code, it shuts down and flashes a warning. The technology does not trace a user who tries to print counterfeit currency, Cherry said.

Things You Don't Want to Hear at an Amusement Park

5> "All the rides have been built and inspected to the high standards of the Halliburton Corporation."

4> "You must have at least this much medical insurance to ride this ride."

3> "There's all-you-can-eat Brunswick stew over by the triple-loop coaster."

2> "To fasten your seat belts, insert the flat end into the-- whoops, you're already moving! Enjoy the ride!"

and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear at an Amusement Park...

Do The Stu

AC/DC NEWS

AC/DC is celebrating the 25th anniversary of 1980's Back In Black by giving online shoppers a free DVD with videos from the album, as well as a price break. A link on acdcrocks.com takes you to a shopping site, where you can get 10% off any purchase, as well as the free DVD if you order two or more AC/DC titles. The DVD includes the well-known videos for the songs "Hells Bells," "Back In Black," "What Do You Do For Money Honey," and "Rock And Roll Ain't Noise Pollution," as well as an unreleased clip of "You Shook Me All Night Long."

Singer Brian Johnson told The Zone that he's never enjoyed making any of AC/DC's videos: "We were always crap at videos, man! If you look at my mouth, I'm just terrible! I'm a live singer -- I just hated the very fact that I had to pretend I was singing. It's awful. I hate it. But you gotta do it, you know?"

Social Tips for Rednecks (and just plain good advice) In General...

1. Never take a beer to an interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral..

Dining Out

1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

Entertaining in your home

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.

2 Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM . Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

1.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.

Weddings

1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4 Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Bear Jokes

A bear walks into a bar and says "I want a bourbon and... a coke." The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?" The bear shrugs and says "I've had them all my life."

A group of Czechoslovakian tourists were camping in Yellowstone National Park. While the others set up tents, a few went to gather firewood. There were plenty of fallen branches, and they soon found their arms full. As they were heading back to the campsite, a large bear jumped out at them. It swallowed one of the men whole and ran off.

Distraught, his friends found a park ranger and told him what happened. The ranger agreed to help find their friend. After a short search, they found two bears sleeping close to the campsite. The ranger asked the men which one attacked their friend. Unfortunately, they didn't know.

The ranger studied the bears. After a moment, he pointed at the male bear. "That's the one that ate your friend." Then, he pulled out a knife and cut the bear open. Of course, the missing tourist wasn't inside.

Computer Jokes

-- Backups are usually good, unless there is a sewer involved.

-- If word processing a presentation about guns, be sure to know how to use bullets.

-- Some computer equipment got shot. It was a graphic display.

Drama at Ozzfest

Iron Maiden was pelted with eggs, interrupted by chants for Ozzy Osbourne, and inexplicably had its power cut several times during its final OzzFest performance in Devore, California on Saturday night (August 20th), according to Blabbermouth.net. In addition, Osbourne's wife and manager, Sharon Osbourne, came onstage following Maiden's set to call Maiden singer Bruce Dickinson a 'p***k,' while offering thanks to the rest of Maiden and its crew.

Blabbermouth received numerous eyewitness reports about Saturday night's fracas. Many of the witnesses believed that the egg-throwing, power loss and other events were orchestrated by Sharon Osbourne amid rumors of bad blood between Dickinson and the OzzFest camp. One witness called the event "the most unprofessional thing I have ever seen in my 20 years of going to rock shows."

Trouble began when the show's MC began leading a chant of "Ozzy, Ozzy..." during Maiden's intro tape. As soon as the band launched into its opening number, it was pelted with eggs from one area of the venue floor. Many witnesses indicated their belief that the egg-throwers were planted, saying that they could have not gotten that many eggs past concert security.

During "The Trooper," in which Dickinson waves a British flag, an unidentified man came onstage waving an American flag, with the slogan "Don't F*** With Ozzy" painted on his back.

Maiden also lost its power at least three times, but managed to finish its one-hour show. At the end of the set, as Maiden was taking its bows, the "Ozzy, Ozzy..." chant started again over the PA system. Once Maiden exited, Sharon Osbourne came on and addressed the crowd, saying that she loved Maiden, but that Dickinson was a 'p***k' and had disrespected OzzFest since the beginning of the tour. Osbourne reportedly left the stage to a chorus of boos.

Ways Your Life Would Change If Your Tongue Were Two Feet Long

5> When picking nose, can "cut out the middle man."

4> Tie a cherry stem with your tongue? Hell, gobble a handful and weave a friggin' picnic basket!

3> Increased number of taste buds finally allows one to discern between Kool-Aid flavors.

2> Your previously neglected navel would suddenly be your second-cleanest body part.

and the Number 1 Way Your Life Would Change If Your Tongue Were Two Feet Long...

cuthbert1776

cheese101

Since you posed the thought about tongue piercings

Going to see Motley Crue this weekend at the Tweeter Center - outside of Chicago.

Opening acts - Silvertide and Sum 41

anyone hear of these 2 opening bands

mikesb

Thanks for the tip, if it works out I will try to check him out.

Belgian nun reprimanded for wild dancing

Paper shows nun's acrobatic moves with a missionary at World Youth Day

BRUSSELS - A Belgian nun’s acrobatic and indecorous dancing with a missionary during the Catholic World Youth Day in Germany over the weekend earned her a reprimand from her mother superior, a Belgian paper said Tuesday.

Daily Het Laatste Nieuws showed pictures of a dancing Johanne Vertommen being held up in the air by the missionary, and then clinging to him with her legs wrapped around his body.

“I wouldn’t do this at home but at such occasions I get carried away by the enthusiasm of the group,” the 29-year-old told the paper later.

“My mother superior raised the issue today: she thinks I should watch out a bit and bear in mind that I represent our community,” Vertommen said.

cheese101