During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,one by one "Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room," she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."

"And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

I posted this before - but it is a classic . . . Part One

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. <All guys are pretty good at this - DD>

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It isu uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. <I really wish everyone would do this!!!! - DD>

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. <When I worked for Lawyers, they all carried books to the bathroom - DD>

PROUD FARTERS: These are people that will fart anywhere - anytime. If sitting they will lean to one side or the other so they can squeeze the fart out. Stay away from these people many times they will blame you for the farts. Many times the people are proud of the loud noise, see Noisy Farters.

I posted this before - but it is a classic . . . Part Two

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

NOISY FARTERS: These are people that are proud of the noise a fart makes. They attempted to make as much noise as possible by squeezing or grunting.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. <Sounds like something Women would do.... - DD>

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear and Astaire,leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. <I used to work for this guy. OK Dwayne wasn't that bad... - DD>

This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

cuthbert1776

Keniko

Not a lefty myself.

I will learn from your misfourtune.

I must remind myself - NOT - to shake your hand when we meet.

Keniko

Keniko

Sounds like a plan - most weekends I can be free, but not this one.

NWI is my back yard - name the place, I should be able to make it.

New G3

How will I know if I am one of the lucky ones who will receive a Poster?

Private Investigations: The Very Best of Dire Straits & Mark Knopfler

Dog Attacks Anti-Dangerous Dog Bill Author

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - The author of a new state law that allows felony charges against owners of dangerous dogs was hospitalized over the weekend after his own dog attacked him.

Bob Schwartz, who also is Gov. Bill Richardson's crime adviser, was hospitalized at University of New Mexico Hospital on Sunday night with bites on both his arms, said Pahl Shipley, a spokesman for the governor.

A hospital spokeswoman declined to release Schwartz's condition, but Shipley said Schwartz is "going to be fine."

Schwartz has three dogs registered with the city: a boxer and two English bulldogs, said Denise Wilcox, who oversees Albuquerque's animal care centers.

Schwartz was instrumental in getting a law passed during this year's regular legislative session that would allow felony charges to be filed against owners of dogs deemed dangerous or potentially dangerous and that seriously injure or kill another animal or person.

The law was designed to make dog owners accountable, said Sen. Sue Wilson Beffort, who worked with Schwartz to pass the bill.

"But I guess when it happens in your own family, that's another story," she said. "That's tragic."

Wilcox said Sunday her office had not received a bite report from University hospital, which is required when a dog bite leads to medical attention.

Keniko

ha ha ha

House Votes to Ban Obesity Blame Lawsuits

WASHINGTON - The Republican-controlled House voted Wednesday to shield fast-food chains from lawsuits that blame them for making people fat.

Nicknamed the "cheeseburger bill," the measure stems from lawsuits accusing McDonald's of causing obesity in tens of thousands of children. The food industry has asked Congress and state legislatures to protect it from liability, and so far, 21 states have agreed.

"You cannot litigate personal choices and lifestyles," said Rep. Mike Rogers, R-Mich.

House Judiciary Committee Chairman James Sensenbrenner, R-Wis., said potential costs from the lawsuits threaten the food industry and its 12 million employees and raise food prices for consumers.

"These suits would be laughable if they were not so harmful," Sensenbrenner said.

The measure, which won approval on a 306-120 vote, would prevent class action lawsuits blaming restaurants and food companies for weight gain or obesity. The House passed a similar bill last year, but the Senate ran out of time to act.

Two-thirds of American adults are overweight, and nearly one-third are obese, while obesity among children and teenagers more than doubled in the past 30 years, according to government estimates.

Critics of the bill contend that a better way to make people responsible for how they eat is to require nutrition information on menus and menu boards.

"But of course this silly legislative effort has nothing to do with encouraging personal responsibility and everything to do with pleasing a powerful and politically connected industry," said Michael Jacobson, director of the Washington-based Center for Science in the Public Interest.

A food industry lobbyist said lawsuits against food companies are the wrong way to fight obesity in America.

"More energy must be put into solving the problem of obesity, and less into assigning blame for the purpose of collecting legal fees," said Hunt Shipman, executive vice president of government affairs and communications for the Food Products Association.

Courts have dismissed most obesity claims, but an appeals court in New York reinstated one lawsuit against McDonald's earlier this year. It is still pending.

"Star Wars" Spiked

Not too long a time from now in a cable galaxy not so far away, you'll be able to watch all six Star Wars flicks.

Spike TV has opened up the vaults to secure television rights to the entire George Lucas space opera. The Viacom-owned male-centric network signed an exclusive six-year deal worth a reported $65 million to $70 million.

According to Daily Variety, Spike won a fierce bidding war against NBC Universal's USA Network and Sci Fi Channel and Turner Broadcasting's TBS and TNT that pushed up the price from an initial $50 million, where it hovered a few months ago, to Spike's record offer.

The Star Wars blockbusters will begin their run on the net in April 2008. The deal includes both the original trilogy (Star Wars: Episode IV--A New Hope, Star Wars: Episode V--The Empire Strikes Back and Star Wars: Episode VI--Return of the Jedi) and the prequels (Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace, Star Wars: Episode II--Attack of the Clones, and Star Wars: Episode III--Revenge of the Sith).

Sith will make its network debut as part of the package.

Of course, we've all seen the USA Network's original trilogy marathons around the Thanksgiving holiday. The first three Star Wars installments have been running on various network and cable channels for more than 20 years. The new deal will only permit Spike to run them.

However, the only time Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones have aired on a broadcast network has been on Fox, which paid a stellar $80 million in 1999 for a 10-year exclusive license to air Menace. The Spike deal takes effect once that window expires.

On the pay TV side, HBO forked over $15 million in 2003 for an exclusive 18-month window to broadcast Attack of the Clones on its channel. The deal also included rebroadcast rights for the four previous films.

For Spike, the agreement with Lucasfilm comes on the heels of the network losing its prime-time staple, World Wrestling Entertainment, whose rights were snapped up by USA. Spike had some of its best ratings with WWE Raw. Spike has been filling the void with CSI reruns, for which it paid a then-record $1.6 million per episode. The cable network has since snagge rerun rights to CSI: NY for $1.9 million an episode.

The network has also signed radio raunchmeister Howard Stern to develop a 'toon about awkward adolescence, but there's no word on when Howard Stern: The High School Years will debut.

Reps for Spike and Lucasfilm were unavailable for comment Wednesday.

Meanwhile, Lucasfilm continues to develop two TV-specific projects: another Star Wars cartoon that will pick up where the Emmy-winning Star Wars: Clone Wars left off; and a live-action series that will be set sometime between Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope and follow lesser-known characters in the Star Wars universe.

Signs You Suffer From Road Rage

5> A) Teeth marks on steering wheel all the way down to the 5 and 7 o'clock positions; B) You're NOT Christian Slater, Mike Tyson, or Marv Albert.

4> Left forearm bigger than Popeye's from giving the finger and aiming the Uzi.

3> In traffic, that throbbing vein in your forehead gets big enough to honk the horn on its own.

2> You can't resist firing off a few practice shots whenever you pass a Target store.

and the Number 1 Sign You Suffer From Road Rage...

From a friend of mine . . .

Sometimes women send mixed signals.

For example,

if you read every 11th letter in the restraining order my girlfriend faxed me it clearly spells i-l-o-v-e-y-o-u . . .

and then mostly gibberish . . .

but then p-u-s-b-a-g, which I presume is her newpet name for me.

Def Leppard's Rock of Ages: The DVD Collection will hit stores on Nov. 15.

Van Halen Will Not Be The Next 'Rock Star' Band

Van Halen will not be taking INXS' lead by participating in a possible second season of the reality television series "Rock Star," according to the band's spokesperson.

MTV News erroneously reported Wednesday that a source close to the program claimed that if "Rock Star" does return for a second season, that the core Van Halen trio — Michael Anthony and brothers Alex and Eddie Van Halen — would be the band auditioning potential singers. The band flatly denies any involvement in the show.

MTV News had also previously reported that a spokesperson for Van Halen said the band had no comment regarding pending projects. However, that spokesperson was never asked specific questions regarding the group's hypothetical involvement with the "Rock Star" show; MTV News regrets the oversight.

Van Halen had been the subject of recent speculation concerning potential "Rock Star" second-season bands. The same rumors swirled about Alice in Chains, but a spokesperson for guitarist Jerry Cantrell scoffed at the notion the band would even consider appearing on the show.

The Top 5 Blond 007 Moments

5> "So your name is Q -- can you spell that for me?"

4> Uses Wite-Out to label one shoe "TRANSMITTER" and the other "POISON GAS."

3> "I guess you must be a cat lover, eh, Ms. Galore?"

2> Places his license to kill upside-down in his wallet, then keeps identifying himself as Agent LOO.

and the Number 1 Blond 007 Moment...

New 'Got Milk?' Ad Not a Hit With MLB

SAN FRANCISCO - The latest "Got Milk?" commercial hit a little too close to home for Major League Baseball. Poking fun at the league's steroid scandal, the television ad for the California Milk Processor Board talks about a player getting pulled from a game "after testing positive for a performance-enhancing substance."

In the next scene, a coach pulls a carton of milk from the slugger's locker.

"There is nothing humorous about steroid abuse," said Tim Brosnan, executive vice president for business for the league. "I would think that the California Milk Processor Board and their advertising agency would know better regarding an issue that threatens America's youth."

The 30-second spot is part of a new "Got Milk?" series that began airing during the baseball playoffs.

Jeff Goodby, co-founder of the San Francisco advertising agency Goodby, Silverstein & Partners, which has produced the memorable campaign since 1993, said the ad was never meant to be taken so seriously.

"It's just milk," Goodby said. "Believe me, we know parody is based on a serious topic. So we wanted to make sure that it was goofy enough so that people didn't get upset."

JUST GOT MY G3 CD AND DVD - NO POSTER !!!!! :(

IT IS DOING IT RIGHT NOW - CANNOT WAIT TO LISTEN TO THE NEW TRACKS !!

SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME

I always import my music onto my hard drive and then onto my iPod.

The new G3 - I got it downloaded into my computer - but I cannot get it to play off the computer - only off the CD.

JOHNNY B. BACK ON THE LOOP

Brandmeier Morning Show to return to Chicago on WLUP-FM

Jonathon Brandmeier is returning to the station and show he is synonymous with, Mornings on The Loop (WLUP 97.9FM). “Johnny B.” was previously heard on WLUP from 1983-1997.

Brandmeier has received multiple awards, including Radio’s highest honor; the Marconi Award for Major Market Air Personality of the Year from the National Association of Broadcasters. He is also the recipient of several Billboard Magazine Radio Personality Awards and was named one of Talker Magazine’s “100 Most Important Radio Hosts in America”. Locally he was consistently voted as a favorite in numerous reader polls.

WLUP Vice-President/General Manager Marv Nyren commented, “When Emmis assumed ownership of WLUP late last year, job one was to recruit a morning show that would return The Loop to prominence. After considering well over 500 personalities from across the country, we went the route Loop listeners led us to in the first place and brought Johnny B. back.

WLUP Program Director Tim Dukes added, “The Loop” hasn’t been “The Loop” since Johnny left. He is the single most important Chicago air personality in the last 20 years and we’re ecstatic to have him back home again.”

REO Speedwagon News

Ronnie James Dio says he and Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi likely will work together again soon.