A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to work?"

Never Die

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old actuaries never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.

Old cosmologists never die, they just go to another world.

Old doctors never die, they just loose their patience.

Old dynamicists never die, they just lose their attraction.

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Old geologists never die, they just recrystalize.

Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

Old lawyers never die, they just threaten their doctor with malpractice.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Old mathematicians never die, they tend to zero.

Old mathematicians never die, they just lose some of their functions.

Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old programmers never die, they just gosub without return.

Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

Old publishers never die, they just go out of print.

Old statisticians never die, they just become nonsignificant.

Old thermodynamicists never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy.

Heddroxx

New security flaw vexes Sony BMG piracy battle

Expert says patch makes problem worse

Part One of Two

Sony BMG Music Entertainment has acknowledged a new security problem affecting nearly 6 million of its CDs, and a Princeton University computer expert said yesterday that a patch the company designed to fix the problem may only make things worse.

Sign up for: Globe Headlines e-mail | Breaking News Alerts The new security problem is the latest embarrassment for Sony BMG, which last month recalled millions of CDs that contained a different antipiracy program that also was plagued with technical flaws.

Computer security experts say that Sony BMG's problems show the near-impossibility of writing software that will prevent consumers from making illicit copies of recorded music and sharing them over the Internet without posing risks to consumers' computer security.

''I think there are problems with compact disc copy protection that can't be resolved," said Edward Felten, professor of computer science and public affairs at Princeton. One security expert, Alex Stamos of Information Security Partners LLC in San Francisco, recommended that consumers should not play Sony BMG music CDs in their computers until further notice.

The problems for the company began last month, when computer programmer Matt Russinovich found that Sony BMG was shipping many of its music discs with a program called XCP. The program has no effect on standard CD players. But it installs itself on computers running Microsoft Corp.'s Windows operating system when a CD owner tries to play the disc on the computer.

XCP was designed to limit the number of times a user could copy the tunes on the disc, and to ensure that these copies could not be played on other computers. But the software also concealed itself on users' computers and was extremely difficult to remove. In addition, XCP secretly sent information about users' listening habits over the Internet to Sony BMG.

Russinovich published his discovery on the Internet, spawning an international outcry from computer users, and a spate of class-action lawsuits. In response, Sony agreed to withdraw about 4.7 million affected discs from stores, and set up an exchange program for consumers who had purchased about 2.1 million of the discs. Sony BMG kept on using a different anticopying program called MediaMax, produced by SunnComm Inc. of Phoenix.

New security flaw vexes Sony BMG piracy battle

Expert says patch makes problem worse

Part Two

The EFF hired Information Security Partners to analyze MediaMax. In the process, the security company found a new problem with the software -- a vulnerability that could allow unauthorized users to take full control of the computer's operations.

Even though this new problem was unrelated to EFF's lawsuit, the group notified Sony BMG and SunnComm, which quickly moved to issue a patch that would solve the problem. The problem affected 27 Sony BMG titles, including Alicia Keys' ''Unplugged," and Cassidy's ''I'm A Hustla." The patch was posted Tuesday on Sony BMG's website.

But yesterday, Halderman struck again. He said that Sony BMG's patch was also flawed and could actually cause the security problem it was supposed to block. Thomas Hesse, president of Sony BMG's global digital business unit, said that his company's experts were working to verify Halderman's claim, and would issue a modified patch if necessary.

Hesse said the company is rethinking its antipiracy policies.

''We need to reevaluate where we go with CD content protection overall," said Hesse. ''I think we have definitely learned many lessons from this episode." But Hesse refused to speculate on whether Sony BMG would abandon efforts to put antipiracy software on its music CDs.

Beyond being a public relations nightmare for Sony BMG, these episodes have underscored how difficult it is for the recording industry to halt rampant piracy of recorded music. Other major music companies are working on their own solutions. EMI Group, which produces discs by such acts as the Rolling Stones, Lenny Kravitz , and Snoop Dogg, uses software from Macrovision Inc. of Santa Clara, Calif., to block piracy.

But two other major labels, Warner Music and Universal Music, have so far refrained from using similar software. A spokesman for Universal, Peter LoFrumento, said his firm is open to the idea. But Universal won't use any antipiracy products that make it harder for customers to enjoy music.

''It can't in any way hurt the user experience," LoFrumento said.

Alex Stamos said that making reliable antipiracy software is tough because such programs are designed to interfere with the normal operation of other software on computers.

Earth's Magnetic Pole Drifting Quickly

SAN FRANCISCO - Earth's north magnetic pole is drifting away from North America and toward Siberia at such a clip that Alaska might lose its spectacular Northern Lights in the next 50 years, scientists said Thursday.

Despite accelerated movement over the past century, the possibility that Earth's modestly fading magnetic field will collapse is remote. But the shift could mean Alaska may no longer see the sky lights known as auroras, which might then be more visible in more southerly areas of Siberia and Europe.

The magnetic poles are part of the magnetic field generated by liquid iron in Earth's core and are different from the geographic poles, the surface points marking the axis of the planet's rotation.

Scientists have long known that magnetic poles migrate and in rare cases, swap places. Exactly why this happens is a mystery.

"This may be part of a normal oscillation and it will eventually migrate back toward Canada," Joseph Stoner, a paleomagnetist at Oregon State University, said Thursday at an American Geophysical Union meeting.

Previous studies have shown that the strength of the Earth's magnetic shield has decreased 10 percent over the past 150 years. During the same period, the north magnetic pole wandered about 685 miles out into the Arctic, according to a new analysis by Stoner.

The rate of the magnetic pole's movement has increased in the last century compared to fairly steady movement in the previous four centuries, the Oregon researchers said.

At the present rate, the north magnetic pole could swing out of northern Canada into Siberia. If that happens, Alaska could lose its Northern Lights, which occur when charged particles streaming away from the sun interact with different gases in Earth's atmosphere.

The north magnetic pole was first discovered in 1831 and when it was revisited in 1904, explorers found that the pole had moved 31 miles.

For centuries, navigators using compasses had to learn to deal with the difference between magnetic and geographic north. A compass needle points to the north magnetic pole, not the geographic North Pole. For example, a compass reading of north in Oregon is about 17 degrees east of geographic north.

In the study, Stoner examined the sediment record from several Arctic lakes. Since the sediments record the Earth's magnetic field at the time, scientists used carbon dating to track changes in the magnetic field.

Disney's Pooh Redo

Just in time for his 80th birthday, Winnie-the-Pooh is getting an extreme makeover.

The Disney Channel announced Thursday that it was working on a new animated series called My Friends Tigger and Pooh. The show is slated to debut in 2007 and seeks to update the geriatric characters, which were created by British author in 1926 for his young son, Christopher Robin.

The most controversial part: the character of longtime bear buddy Christopher Robin will be banished from the Hundred Acre Wood and replaced a six-year-old tomboyish girl.

The kid-friendly cable network said they hope to attract an older audience by adding the unnamed tyke. The series also will change the look of the rest of the gang, including Piglet, Rabbit and Eeyore, by using brighter colors and 3-D computer animation.

"We got raised eyebrows even in house at first, but the feeling was these timeless characters really needed a breath of fresh air that only the introduction of someone new could provide," Disney Channel spokeswoman Nancy Kanter told USA Today.

The news has sparked outrage in Milne's native England, where fans have taken umbrage at the change.

"This is a betrayal of Milne's stories, because he wrote them specifically for Christopher Robin," one purist grouses in Britain's Independent newspaper.

But the makeover is getting a vote of confidence from someone close to Pooh Corner. Lesley Milne, widow of Christopher Robin Milne, says her late husband would be pleased.

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

"Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey t urns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"....

25 SIGNS YOU'VE FINALLY GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a l ittle beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" . So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

A Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

HUH?

BIue Moon

I have done the same before a concert as well - at a local restaurant, where the beer was $3 a tall glass, and inside the venue, it was $10 a beer.

Prince Signs Deal to Release New Album

NEW YORK - Prince, who has put out most of his music on his own record label over the past decade, is aligning himself with a major label once again. The 47-year-old superstar has signed a deal with Universal Records to release his upcoming album, "3121," early next year. A press conference was scheduled Tuesday in Los Angeles.

Prince had a similar deal with Columbia Records in 2003; that label distributed his acclaimed comeback album, "Musicology," for NPG Records, Prince's label.

Also Tuesday, VH1 and its affiliated networks, including Tempo and VH1 Soul, are scheduled to premiere the singer's new video, "Te Amo Corazon (I Love You Sweetheart)," directed by Salma Hayek.

"Salma heard the song and came up with the original concept," Prince said of the actress in a statement. "Salma is the most thoughtful, attentive director I have ever worked with. An absolute joy."

Pink Floyd's Gilmour gears up for solo album, tour

TORONTO/NEW YORK (Billboard) - Pink Floyd singer/guitarist David Gilmour will begin his first solo tour in decades March 10 in Dortmund, Germany, in support of his upcoming solo album, "On an Island." Although North American dates have yet to be confirmed, Gilmour is expected to visit the region in April.

Due March 6 via Columbia, "On an Island" is Gilmour's first solo release since 1984's "About Face." The set is packed with guest appearances from David Crosby and Graham Nash on the title cut, Pink Floyd keyboardist Rick Wright, Robert Wyatt, Roxy Music's Phil Manzanera and Jools Holland.

Manzanera serves as a co-producer on the set with Gilmour and Chris Thomas. Orchestral arrangements were provided by composer Zbigniew Preisner.

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty,

He said..no.

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no.

She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.

She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said....

You're not pretty you're beautiful.

I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever.

And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die...

**************************************************************************

Remember:

"A good friend will come bail you out of jail..

But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying...

WE screwed up! "

Proud to be your Friend!

**************************************************************************

I've learned....

That life is like a roll of toilet paper

The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....That we should be glad God doesn't give us

Everything we ask for.

I've learned....That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....That it's those small daily happenings

That makes life so spectacular.

I've learned...That under everyone's hard shell

Is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved?

I've learned....That the Lord didn't do it all in one day.

What makes me think I can?

I've learned....That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned...That the less time I have to work,

Move Over, Green Day — Velvet Revolver Plan Concept Album

Meanwhile, Scott Weiland is also eyeing another solo LP.

CULVER CITY, California — What Green Day waited seven albums to do Velvet Revolver are doing with their second.

That, of course, would be a concept album.

"It's something I've been wanting to do since the last STP album, since the Shangri-La Dee Da album [in 2001], and it never was completely realized," singer Scott Weiland (formerly of Stone Temple Pilots) said. "You never know until you really completely get there, but it's going in that direction right now."

Weiland refused to reveal any details about the concept but said he and his fellow VR members have been writing for months (see "Velvet Revolver Return To The Road In March, Write New LP In Transit").

"This album really has to make a statement," bassist Duff McKagan added. "We've toured for 18 months. Now we have a brand name. Now we know each other as a band. The first album was just us together at home, a spontaneous product. Now it's time to make that record."

Along with the follow-up to 2004's Contraband, Weiland is also working on the follow-up to his 1998 solo album, 12 Bar Blues (see "Scott Weiland Discusses New Record, Future Of STP"), for which he has 25 songs written.

Weiland intended to release the solo album a few years ago but joined Slash, McKagan, Matt Sorum and Dave Kushner in Velvet Revolver instead.

"I think I was looking really for a way out of doing drugs," Weiland recalled. "Then I kept on thinking the music [they were sending me] was getting better and better and finally I was just like, 'I think that there really might be a real contribution waiting to happen for rock and roll here. And I think if I join this I can really add something to this and make a real contribution.' "

There's no title or release date yet for either album, but McKagan said to expect a spring release for VR. In the meantime, the band is performing a New Year's Eve show at the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, New Jersey.

"It's a tiny little club where people can hang from the rafters." McKagan said. "It's gonna be hot and sweaty and ferocious, but that's rock and roll."

I like to look on the bright side:

Things on Bad Santa's To-Do List

16> Show the reindeer who's boss by hosting an annual all-you-can-eat venison feast.

15> Install new candy cane pole for the Private Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies.

14> Stop payment on the check to Salvation Army that was meant to cover the cash I borrowed from the kettle this year.

13> Out Rudolph.

12> Reminder: Don't order the pork chops during brunch with Hanukkah Harry and Ramadan Raheed.

11> William Hung "Little Drummer Boy" ringtones for everyone!

10> Piss off the Elf Union by moving the headquarters to St. Kitts and the assembly center to Mumbai.

9> Put my yule log in Angelina Jolie's chimney. Heh heh.

8> Deliver lots of sneezing chickens to those needy Third World brats.

7> Another Christmas at Oprah's, another midnight delivery of Little Debbies and Ipecac.

6> Crank call the Easter Bunny and ask if he has a problem with shit sticking to his fur.

5> Feed the reindeer their Ex-Lax in preparation for the annual White House fly-over.

4> Keep down that infernal racket by taping over holes in packages containing puppies and kittens.

3> Wrap a present, do a shot.

2> Stay trim by eating the cookies and milk, then barfing all over the floor. Hey, it works for Courteney Cox!

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Bad Santa's To-Do List...

civgeek

congrats on the grades - some semesters are easy - some are a real pain.

Satriella

Broken-hearted donor leaves diamond ring in car

BOSTON (Reuters) - Are diamonds really forever?

An anonymous gift-giver left a $15,000 diamond engagement ring to the owner of an unlocked car in western Massachusetts with a typed note hinting at a broken heart.

"Merry Christmas. Thank you for leaving your car door unlocked. Instead of stealing your car I gave you a present. Hopefully this will land in the hands of someone you love, for my love is gone now. Merry Christmas to you," the note said.

The three-diamond ring with a white-gold band appeared on the seat of the man's car at a train station in Westborough, about 30 miles west of Boston, on December 7, police said. Four days later, the man reported it to police.

"This appears to be random," said Westborough Police Lt. Paul Donnelly. "I think there was a search for a car that was unlocked."

Satriella

Something to think about . . .

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea.

He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with" Why, they actually have a program here that will teach dogs how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get Big Red in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Big Red doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "READ!?" says his father,

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Big Red? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Big Red was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he< BR>turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Maple Street'?

The father says, "I hope you shot that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy.