A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single; and I 'm Catholic too!"

"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose were to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven here St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted"

Pastafarian, I am truly sorry to hear the sad family news especially whenever there are young children involved. All the best with your new life and revised family.

Gee3 - I've just got Attack by Yngwie.... the opning licks to Laser Eater are really quite simple actually... I've not played along with it 'cos I'm listening to it at work.... but I already know that I can play it just from hearing it... the solo however... that'll take a little working out....

love the album though...

it's not as heavy as Factory, Slipknot etc... but the riffing is really nice [as usual]....

and it has a similar vibe to Trilogy...
not a bad thing me thinks... lol...

Clarky, we know your feelings re Malm... Crank it thru the office PA and give us some feedback from the adjacent cubicles !!!

hey hoe, what you doin with that cock in your hand?

siro: wtf happened??? that sucks man....check your email

I went for dinner to a buddy's grandma's house. I was wearing a Marilyn Manson T-shirt that said "antichrist superstar." When his grandma saw my shirt she said "ooh, Marilyn Monroe! She was sooo pretty! we all wanted to be like Marilyn!" I wanted to say, "Soon you will be. Worry not."

have to drive to chicago today...AGAIN!...sux

I think I will pack my car with every metallica (except for st anger) and megadeth cd so that I stay awake. Caffiene should keep me up...i hope...................

Joe,

I have beening surfing the web in an effort to find a "JS" hooded sweatshirt. Are they still available? They are the "coolest"!!! Thanx.

Sincerely

Zen bonjour vous avez raison... Bush est pourri comme une poubelle de tripes.....

DelfinoPie

Thank you for the happy 400 posts wish

Zen les arbres sont soulager.. il vous reste quelques jours de vacances non??

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later....... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

Why We Love Kids - Part II

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

It was time during the Sunday morning service for the children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Whenever anyone asked Jane her name, she would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her that was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

Zenfish

I am sorry that you have some difficulty with some of my posts. I try to post the jokes that I think most of us here enjoy. If I come across any jokes/stories in French, even though I will not understand it - I will dedicate it to you.

i was supposed to leave an hour ago but the bloody car will not start. I guess it got too cold? I tried to jump it but the that didnt work...so i called my GIRLFRIEND and asked if i could borrow her car...SHE SAID YES!!!

so I can finally fuck around in chicago till tomorrow evening at my girlfriends expense and ask her to pamper my ass when it starts freezing.

Zen "hollywood stink" Fish: What the fuck is Bariole? and why do you keep calling me Bariole? Do you speak English in French or French in English? Maybe next time, dear Zen fish, use this website to translate what u have to say (evil laughter)

www.freetranslations.com