An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I start work?

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THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." ___________________________________________

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

As bright as Alaska in December.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

The Husband Superstore

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went."

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

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Modern Nursery Rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

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It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh S ** t, it's Global Warming.

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Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

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Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And everywhere that Mary went
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
....But she didn't wear that one often.

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Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

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Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have U got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.

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Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
And turned its wool to nylon.

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Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

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Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.

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Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Hi Joe,

I am a HUGE fan of yours and my name is Gary Pagels from Detroit. I was recently left a 1956 Fender Stratacaster from my Dad that passed away in June. I am interested in selling it to someone in the music industry that would appreciate it and would play it. If you are interested in owning it or happen to know anyone who would be interested in it, please let me know. I can send you pictures also.

My email is: gp2364@wideopenwest.com

My cell is: 734-771-5686

My home is: 734-281-6568

Thank you so much and I would hope that you will respond to this email.

Gary

Gary Pagels....You could always take that beautiful instrument and part it out and sell it on E Bay like those other blood-sucking vampires do.

Happy New Year to all of you out there in Satchland!

SuperDaveMcCarthy: I really dont know :P

im still damn sick, i woke up with god knows what in my nose, i didnt know it was possible to get that much crap up there, feck sake

Ohhhh Alan, the places I could go with that one...

Al, i was thinking about him as I wrote that post. lol!

BD, I have so many favorite Satch songs it's redickerous! Just for shits and giggles, I'll say Slow Down Blues.

That tune makes me smile from ear to ear ;- )

wuzup joe. just wanted to say hi and that your an awesome guitarist. and that i love all of your songs.my dad was so mad when he couldnt come to your concert because right he is an iraq.and hes a big fan.and if you can email me at (tamiaage@yahoo.com) we can talk more bye and have a rockin good time.

CollageofJoeinLondon15June08

uuugggghhhhhhh, after 15 days off and lots of adult beverages i hadda go back to work. <heavy sigh>

on another note. i cut the index finger on my left hand, (yep the fretting one) right down to the knuckle. i have found it is alost impossible for me to play with out using that finger. <heavy sigh>