New rules accordng to Bill Maher
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're good.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,
light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oooh, you're a
huge asshole.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're
just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
was the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's a version of looting.
New Rule:
(and this one is long overdue) No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,
or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to b! e on your web cam,
dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these
days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?
Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand,
Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's! two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't really care in the first place.
