What's up with famous people and their children's names . . . .

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners are...

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

The letter to the bank, shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96-year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to request to have it published in the New York Times.

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Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?

New Taxes

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2005 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00

8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00

5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00

4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS

*****NOTE*****

We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

- Are there penalties for early withdrawals?

- What if one's penis is self employed?

- Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

- Are condoms adeductible expense as work clothes?

Jelly - Okay, next week is good. Thursday is best for me. Let's go out for a curry at Spoons or something, yeah? £4.99 for a curry and a beer. Sounds like a plan to me...

Delfino - Oh man, those FMT teles are gorgeous guitars. They have a kind of amber coloured one in Andertons which is okay, but I saw a deep red one in some other shop and it was fucking sexy. It almost gave me wood... LMAO

962 - Jazzy's right - download Windowpayne. In fact, download whatever Opeth you can find. They're a fucking awesome band!!!!

SOTD - Everything Changes by Mike Stern.

Post number 998...

... 999...

Of course this does not apply to to some of us, but you may want to pass this on to other people to warn them.

Canadian liquor manufacturers have accepted the Healthy Canada's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

... and 1000!!!!

Yay. Happy 1000th post to me!!!!

Master Yoda

Zinc...

"Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist. "

Very funny.....

DamIMissNamm

Thanks steve T

this will definetively narrow my search ;)

keep on rocking in a free world...

Delfino - LOL!! Believe me, it was 100% unintentional. But now that you mention it,it is rather good... lol

962 - Simon,

Thanks for posting the link to your music. I only had time for 'Eye of Ra', and agree it's fantastic. I also appreciate the low fi version as I live in the boonies and have poor connections speeds most of the time. I'm looking forward to listening to the remainder when I get a chance.

CLARKY- I didn't take anything personal. It would seem I don't qualify, I Don't think of Myself A complete idiot, And I Don't drink, Or do Drug's. Thank's for the detailed explanation!...........................DELFINO- Right on bro' Hope You Like them! I have some newer one's that are pretty cool! I have not got My guitar's on My site yet, But I will let You know!...Take care!...............................Jazzzzy- Man, I hope thing's are going smooth and well for You! I appreciate Your nice word's! God Bless My good Freind!..........................SUZIE2000- Just A quick post to let You know I am cheering for You and Matt On the Move! I pray that it will take shape very nicely, I sent You some pictures!.................................ZENFISH- Yes, I did! Please keep Up the writing! It has the soul Of A ZENFISH!............................Civgeek- Got Your E-mail! Thank You so Much! Tell Your Wife, Steven Said, I admire Her strength and will!, God Bless Her! And You and Your wntire Family! I hope You have A terrific day!...............................MICHELLE- Hi, How are You? It look's like Were going to have another cold Sunny winter! Here it never ever ever Rain's Sun! sun! sun!...I like it, But I like A little variety! Hope You and the Family are doing well!

hello all... hope the weekend went well for everyone...

it has been snowing here in denver for the last 36+ hours... and the raiders beat the broncos last night in the the last few seconds of the game :( YUCK getting ready for finals coming within the next week and a half....

please all keep the ebersol family in your thoughts today, hope they are able to find teddy...

Hope all in Satchland have a good day...

optical - wow... it'd be interesting to see what he thinks about my music...

so far.. The Baptist lead guitar part is 4 minutes done... 12 minutes to go...

out on the lash with the locals, one said to me once..

"yor nodda bad paddy fer an English fokeryer.."

lol..

I think I just relaxed and "practiced" the lick but recorded it at the same time in case the practice take was a good 'un... and also to see if I was consistantly getting stuck in the same place or at different places in each take...

I think that relaxing on the lick stopped me from over-playing.. so the lick just rolled off the ends of my fingers.... nice and easy...

and yes.. I think that I've just stepped up a notch because I'm noticing little improvements in my playing in general...

most satisfactory indeed... lmao..

and one day we will jam... no probz... you'll love it..

I'd go and get monged with the mongs.. lmao..

Master Yoda!

CONGRATULATIONS...DUE TO YOUR 1000TH POST YOU'VE WON A JS1000...please contact the webmaster to collect your prize.......

Only kidding...lol...

Clarky, So.....there's no way for us to hear some advanced tracks.......ehh?

klytus,