1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it
3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
8. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
9. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
10. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
11. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
12. Experience is something you donít get until just after you need it.
13. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.
14. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
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BELIEVE it or not , these are REAL 911 Calls
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No .
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Hugs & Laughs Satriella xx
