GET WELL SOON Mr. Satriani!

You're in our thoughts...

What if . . . . . . . . . .

Entertainment 2004 - What Might Have Been

NEW YORK - Just think: Instead of exposing Janet Jackson (news)'s breast at the Super Bowl last Feb. 1, what if Justin Timberlake (news) reached across her chest, fumbled with Jackson's top and .... The stitching holds! There is no malfunction!

That means no national discussion of showbiz morals, no drastic tightening of FCC (news - web sites) restrictions — but the fallout is just as serious.

Cameron Diaz (news), mortified by her boyfriend's failed attempt to reach second base, breaks up with Timberlake before the Super Bowl is even over. She immediately sends word to New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady that she's available.

The flustered Brady is a wreck in the second half, and the Carolina Panthers cruise to a surprise victory. A few days later, as the late night jokes skewer Timberlake, Britney Spears (news) (fresh off her annulled marriage to a no-name childhood friend) grows sympathetic toward her big-name former sweetheart, and they elope.

At the impromptu reception, Spears sees Timberlake's ex-backup dancer Kevin Federline outduel him in a dance-off. Annulment No. 2 follows — but Spears is too jaded to tie the knot with Federline. They live in sin instead.

Indirectly affected by "the butterfly effect" (which is NOT a scientific theory regarding the questionable stature of Ashton Kutcher movies), Gwyneth Paltrow's baby girl is named "Arugula."

Without the Super Bowl controversy, Disney sees no risk in distributing Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11." The box-office hit saves the job of beleaguered Disney chief Michael Eisner. However, an out-of-date memo stating Eisner will be fired ends up at CBS News, which erroneously reports that the CEO is being ousted.

Though a considerable embarrassment, the experience forces CBS and Dan Rather to tighten up their fact-checking. The President Bush (news - web sites)/National Guard story never makes it on air. Rather's job is secure for the next 10 years.

Meanwhile, Mel Gibson (news) decides not to subtitle the Aramaic dialogue in "The Passion of the Christ," and moviegoers stay away. Instead, pundits focus their attention on the arguably anti-Semitic qualities of Al Pacino's "Merchant of Venice." At one point, Jon Stewart surprises Pacino on Letterman, tells him "I think what you're doing is wrong" and makes an unprintable reference to the male anatomy.

New York Times columnist Frank Rich still wages his Gibson crusade, and the actor still says he wants to kill Rich's dog. Though Rich has no dog, his neighbor's cocker spaniel mysteriously winds up dead — with a very "Braveheart"-esque spear as the murder weapon.

To shore up his image, Gibson signs on to produce his own ABC drama, "Fundamentalist Housewives." But a Monday Night Football lead-in showing Monica Belluci shedding her ankle-length dress and jumping into the arms of Eagles receiver Terrell Owens elicits nationwide condemnation. Red State viewers flee NFL broadcasts in droves.

Seeking to boost ratings, the NFL picks Lindsay Lohan to perform at halftime of the 2005 Super Bowl. The show (featuring her much-debated, um, maturing physique) is wildly over the top. An onlooking Usher can only exclaim, "Yeah!"

Report: Yankees, Diamondbacks Agree to Big Unit Trade

NEW YORK (Sports Network) - The Arizona Diamondbacks (news) have reportedly agreed to a trade that will send five-time Cy Young Award winner Randy Johnson to the New York Yankees (news).

Newsday reports the Yankees will get Johnson in exchange for pitcher Javier Vazquez, catching prospect Dioner Navarro, pitching prospect Brad Halsey and approximately $9 million.

The trade is not expected to become official until next week when commissioner Bud Selig would likely put his stamp of approval on the deal. The commissioner has to approve of any trade in which more than $1 million is exchanged between teams.

Should it become finalized, the Yankees would likely work out a contract extension with the 6-foot-10 Johnson for two years at a reported $32 million. Johnson had to waive his no-trade clause to agree to any deal.

I am heading out for a while

Doin' a happy dance for Bahduh !!!! Glad to hear you are safe !

JOE - get well soon, being sick is such a drag.... listen to some jimi and play some, catch up on some stuff you've missed while being busy and take it easy..... heres to a fast recovery.

the rain has been good lately, but driving through the grapevine through it sucks, the wind was so bad that when you were trying to go uphill you had to floor the gas to even move, everyone had a tough time.....the rain came straight at you, you couldnt see..... it was crazy..... hope everyones holidays are happy, stay safe...

ZINC MASTER, I'm thinking of getting the U2 Ipod 20 gig model, do you know anybody who has one? I've got 6 gigs on my Itunes ready to download.

Michelle,

I meant the George Jefferson happy dance, which is one of the best dances around! Fred Sanford could hardly walk!

Cause I'm movin on up...to the.....

Clarky,

Can't wait to hear Clarky's new studio stuff, but in the meantime....ain't we got fun!

Clarky's IUMA

Peace, Love & Happiness!

Get well soon Joey Baby!!

On the subject of iPods....

thx summoner, i dont tihnk drinkin a few pints of miller helps though!! but its alrite, im sure ill live! + ive a busy nite ahead of me 2mo night!! so ill enjoy it anyways

Joe, sorry to hear you are under the weather, get well soon and Happy New Year!!

You have inspired me to learn how to play, just bought a Martin DM and it arrives next week. I

Livin in S. Florida, never miss you when you are here!