A Lease On Love

A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

it had never been occupied; that there was plenty of heat that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

Jazzzzzzzy :-)

Steven- so far so good with the computer!...

Zinc master...nice-v.entertaining....But here's something i found out recently, an you can all make ure own inferences from this...

...did you know that it takes 6 months in Texas to get a divorce, but only 15 days to get a gun....

take care people!!

Tahir

Stevee, thanks. The tattoo is an angel.

Lucy, thanks.

Joke Master, you'll be at 2000 in no time. lol!

Delfino, It's at 7-14-01 in the road section. It was one of the best nights ever :)

Steven, hello friend :)

I just saw a new video game that's coming out. It's a game where you can re-enact the shooting of JFK (swear to God). The player has a scope with crosshairs that you can aim at the cars as they go by in the parade. The player is up high shooting from a window. If you shoot Jackie, you lose points. Who makes this shit up, and even worse, who buys this shit?

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings.

Benign......................What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.

Colic.......................A sheep dog.

Coma........................A punctuation mark.

D&C.........................Where Washington is.

Dilate......................To live long.

Enema.......................Not a friend.

Fester......................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula......................A small lie.

Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.

G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.

Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.

Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.

Node........................I knew it.

Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative..............A letter carrier.

Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.

Rectum......................Darn near killed him.

Secretion...................Hiding something

Seizure.....................Roman emperor.

Tablet......................A small table.

Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor.......................More than one.

Urine.......................Opposite of you're out

michelle

Just spreading the fun around the world of T2J.

Numbers only count.

If we lived on Pluto, we would all be a lot younger, age wise.

If I remember correctly, and I may not, it takes Pluto 7 earth years to go around the sun. So, if you are 49 in earth years, you would only be 7 on Pluto.

ummm, Michelle....I pre-ordered that Video game.

haha! just kidding. Hey, its much better than buy a real gun. If living your fantasies out in a video game works, heh, why not?

Happy 2000 by the way. I am still stuck in the 1200th year BC....

Damn, Roman poked me again. I need to go and cook bread for Pope.

Redneck First-Aid

Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Specialty Burger too fast.

The first Southerner said to the other, "Think we otta hep?"

"Yep," said the second.

The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew speak?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.

Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer:

The monitor is up on blocks

Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them

The six front keys have rotted out

The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them

The numeric keypad only goes up to six

The password is BUBBA

There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU

There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive

The keyboard is camouflaged

And, the best way to tell if a REDNECK has been working on a computer is......

Delfino, there's another picture on 11-05-03. Forgot about that one. I also have one from this tour, but I didn't send it in to Jon.

Jazzy, "....I pre-ordered that Video game. " You didn't, but you will now! lol!

Zinc, since you reached pretty far for that number fact, I'm 280 in dog years. lol!

michelle

I do not understand this dog years thing. Do you multiply their human age by a number? If so, what number?

Zinc Master...LMAO after reading the Raggedy Ann & Pinnocchio joke !!! For as many jokes as you post, I can't believe I caught that one ! Thanks..

SupaaDave

glad you enjoyed that one.

A man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.

The man rolls over and answered...

"Hello?"

"What?"

"How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."

He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?"

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. " Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

Michelle,

How fitting, an Angel on an Angel...I hate the cliche', but what astrological sign are you...you seem like a Happy faced person?

opticalstudio